More Ghosts of Christmas Past....

Last Christmas I gave you my heart

But the very next day you gave it away

This year to save me from tears

I'll give it to someone special

****************************

Since mother is still awake and watching tv, its not convenient for me to do my meditation, lest she starts nagging again at me not to be too superstitions or be a monk blah blah. Just write some random stuff here then.

-------------------------------

真是个打重脸皮充胖子的笨蛋。 算了。才$10块钱，不是$100，没关系的。顶多两天不吃东西不花钱就存下来了。也是自己的错吧，提前没有把所有的东东弄清楚。最后被人杀价，从$160杀到$150。至少学乖了，以后会注意所有的细节的。气的是还被他问东问西的，真是的。到底是不是男人啊，去google一下就能读到有关ipod touch的资料了喽。连bluetooth的问题都问。真是的，不会就不要用啦! 自己都已经在用bluetooth还要问我能不能跟ipod touch连接。有时真的是被这种人打败了。

-------------------------------

Come to think of it, its been a long time since I've gave out Christmas presents. The very first Christmas present I gave was to Sijie in 1997. Sec 3. I still can remember, that her dog, a golden cocker spaniel has passed away and she missed it terribly. Took me 2 days to go around shopping malls to find those small cute hush puppies miniture soft toys, 4 dogs in total and one of them is a cocker spaniel. Then the next problem was how to package the whole thing. It would be pretty ugly plus difficult to wrap them up. So I came out with a brilliant idea. Make a small dog house for the soft toys. Well, it is a brilliant idea, except that in my hands, it turns out to be a stupid idea. I've no knack for making stuff into masterpieces. Bought ice cream sticks from bookshop, UNO glue and glitter glue and varnish. Made my dog house with the ice cream sticks and UNO glue and finished the exterior with glitter glue and varnish. It looked quite alright, though my memories is already very fuzzy on the details. Next, I placed the dogs inside and cushioned the dogs with all the lucky stars I folded so the dogs wouldn't get bumped around in the package. Finally I did the most idiotic thing. I bought a postal package from post office, place the dog house in the package and mailed it to Sijie. Yeah, talk about making a present from the bottom of my heart and ended up sending it through snail mail instead of personally handing it over to her. So wtf right? Well, on the day she received the present, she was pretty touched, however she just rejected me that day. So, yeah. Failed. First Christmas present I gave. First Christmas having a girl rejecting me. First Christmas spent with a broken heart. With tears.

1998, I guess I didn't give any Christmas presents that year. Coz I was still not over Sijie, and Huiling, if I did give her one, I can't remember it. As it definitely wasn't hand made and wasn't specially sought after by me. Besides, we had all just finished our O levels and were celebrating and going out that I probably didn't give out much Christmas present.

1999, Never gave out any present too. Huiling was getting very close with her classmate that time. And I was desperate. I was virtually and practically kicking myself over and over and over again for giving her that piece of advice to go along with her heart and give him a chance. That december holidays after our JC promo exams are probably the worse december holidays I had ever gone through.

2000-2006. Nothing worth of note. The only Christmas presents I would ever give during these years would be the time I went for Christmas gathering for exchange of presents.

2007. Karen. Forgot what I gave her. I think i might have give Penny something too, or was it for her birthday?

2008. Penny and her siblings, and Karen. And Eileen. Yes, record breaking year. LOL. Spent about $160 in total, excluding presents bought for Christmas gathering exchanges. Half of that amount goes to Eileen's present and following that, half of the remaining half was Penny's. I had no problems buying for Eileen and Penny, as I already knew what I wanted to get them. It was Penny's siblings that gave me the most problem. Took 2 hours to find what I got them......... Actually, took me 2 days to get all the presents. 1st day, looked around places for Eileen's present and alternate present(a red color Guess bag which was of similiar design to the bag she was carrying last year). 2nd day. The most tiring day. Taka. Found the present for Eileen. Told the salesgirl I will be back.. Went to wallet shop. Took 1 hour to find 2 designs I think would be nice for Penny, took another half an hour to decide which one is better. No avail. Went to scout for presents for Penny's siblings. Took about 1 hour for that. Went back to wallet shop. Spend 45 mins walking around wallet shop looking at other wallets and stuff while thinking which of the 2 designs are nicer. Went back to purchase Penny's sibling's presents. Went back to wallet shop. Took another 20 mins to decide which color is nicer. Bought the wallet. Walked back to Lancome and bought Eileen's present. Phew. I even get tired typing all these.

2009. Record breaking year again. Fujifilm instax mini white special edition. As mentioned in previous post. I shall not repeat it again. Still, really happy she was so happy about the present. I did not handmake the present. It's merely something on her wishlist. Yet the sense of happiness I myself feel, when I see her excitement over the present that makes me feel, the way I had 12 years ago. When I started to search around for the dogs soft toys, when I was building(or rather, sticking) the dog house, its like I finally gave someone important to me a meaningful present for Christmas. Not because of protocol. Not because of customs. But because I can make Eileen really happy for Christmas. That's what that's meaningful and making everything worthwhile. Bought a token of appreciation for stitchie too, as well as mango. And her friend XY. A bit paiseh, because XY's present was very big, compared to mango's and stitchie's. Did not get anything for Penny and her siblings this year. Decided to give Penny some brand thing she likes for her birthday next year instead(even though its small, but its expensive). AND OMG! I JUST REMEMBERED. I FORGOT ABOUT TOUFU KORKOR'S XMAS-CUM-BDAY PRESENT! SHIT SHIT SHIT. Tomorrow goes shopping again.

-------------------------------

Mother went to sleep for quite a while, yet I'm still typing here. I'm supposed to start my meditation, otherwise it will get too late. But, somehow, there're still things I want to pen down, yet dun dare to pen down.

还是去修法禅定吧。今世也许不能跟你在一起，可是我保证，我答应。过了这一世，我绝对有能力永永远远的保护你，不会让你受到任何伤害。直到宇宙毁灭为止。

我对我的灵魂发誓。



****************************
 

为了你而活　为了你而梦　
为了爱我会撑到最後
当世界都乌有　守着你的人是我
为了你而活　为了你而梦　
伤痕再深心无法划破
跟命运在逆流　就算错了　也不退後

Ghosts of Christmas Past........

你总是漠视我的感情 漠视我的心

你总是逃避我的眼睛 逃避我眼里的情

****************************

Had been contemplating whether I would pen down what has been happening for the past 3 weeks. I know there are some things I would never want to forget, nor there are also some memories which I know will definitely fade away in time to come. Yet there's lots of things I do not wish to be known, only to have them kept shut tightly deep within my soul. I guess I shall just briefly pen them down, lest the memories failed to stay in my damaged brain cells.


****************************

可是我却深深着迷 沉醉于你的一眼一举

无法平息 怎能不想你

不能自拔 我对你一片痴心

****************************

Bought Eileen a Christmas present and gave it to her in advance. Whopping expensive present, the most expensive I ever given till this point of my life. Thought I had broken my record last year, but this year was unexpected. Never even gave Penny, or Sijie, or Huiling, or any of the girls I ever liked had received a present/gift that costs more than $50 (oh ok, Penny's does exceed $50, but that amount was inclusive of a card and a nicely wrapped red rose). Sounds crazy. hahaha. Oh well, at least she loves it. That's the most important. She's been deserving good things in life after all the things she's gone through, if money can buy happiness, then no matter how much it is, I will be gladly to exchange any amount of money for the happiness I can bring for a person. She really does deserve it, and hey, its just a few of weeks of starving less spending and no social life for me. What more can I ask for? People always say Happiness can never bought, but I bought it. I really did. For Eileen, that amount of money is nothing. Because I just gave someone important to me a very meaningful and priceless gift I can give. Happiness.


****************************

我的心里 只容得下你

我的梦里 没有别的倩影

对你的情 没有谁能够代替

一心爱你 永不退色的深情

****************************
 
Met more people and gone out with them more often that I had been last year. Mostly from hwz. You would be surprised, there's still very nice people you can meet in hwz. Am grateful, because I wouldn't think I will be so easily accepted by people around. But I guess nice-ness does pay off, at the very least people wouldn't mind to be around with me. Even though that means I will never ever find a gf or be with the person I really cannot live without (encrypted sentence). At least sometimes I do have friends I can talk with and go out with. And thought of me sometimes too. A dangerous, but warming feeling.

****************************

你总是漠视我的感情 漠视我的心

你总是逃避我的眼睛 逃避我眼里的情

****************************

These three weeks seems to be quite a very long time for me. Its so weird that our perception of time does get distorted despite having the same rate of change of the flow of time. But slow is not enough. There's so many times where I wish time could stop. I'm sure everyone else also experience the same thing as I do. Just wishing for time to stop, because that moment is the moment that you wish will never ever be gone, that moment shall be etched into the prints of time, that moment shall never perish, that moment will stay forever..................

****************************

可是我却深深着迷 沉醉于你的一眼一举

别再否定 你已经有心

你的眼里 已流露对我的情

****************************

Be I have to be realistic. I know I'm a hopeless romantic, but I've been hit far too much and too hard by reality to continue to dream. This is a harsh world, no extra room for romances and dreams. Its not like the movies, its not like the shows. It's not even like the love novels where everyone finds their perfect love and lives happily ever after. Reality does not work this way. Reality never works this way. Reality always works the opposite way you wish things will turn out to be.

****************************

我的心里 只容得下你

我的梦里 没有别的倩影

对你的情 没有谁能够代替

一心爱你 永不退色的深情

****************************


既然已经决定了，怎么我还是如此执着？我此生修行，除了成佛，除了渡众生。当年已经决定了，只要是我曾经喜欢过的女孩子，我一定会以我修行的力量去度他们生天、不让他们坠落到地狱、饿鬼、畜生道。我真的不忍心。现在，我为了她而决定此生修行成就。即使她的因果牵缠有多厉害、尽管她的业障有多么的深重、就算我需要把我所有修行功德交换让她以后能够上天而我代替她入地狱，我已经决定了。为什么呢???!!! 为什么!!!!!!!????? 我满腹的佛法! 我所学到的密法及法术如此不凡，现在却根本无法帮助她。如此的无力感、如此的无助!!! 如果对我重要的人都无法救的话，我还活着有什么用???? 虽然她的生活已经渐渐转好，却时好时坏(不过我亦明白此是因果关系，改变不了)，可是为什么我心中仍然隐隐约约感到不安???

-----------------------------

Just now had been listening to this song. It was sung by Chen Hai Wei, song titled 深情. One of the sub-theme songs for the TCS drama serial, where he acted as the famous teacher 方老师. really a nice song..

Guess I should sleep. Tomorrow is a long day. And I've some negotiations I need to do with the higher powers up there.So I end up never penning down everything. Just as well. Let them all be locked away deep within the soul.............................................

****************************

没有星星的夜里

我用泪光吸引你

既然爱你不能言语

只能微笑哭泣

让我从此忘了你

Many things in the world are so elusive.

Try as we might, there's always certain things that will elude from us no matter how much effort we put in.

But we don't give up. Miracles will happen.


Just a matter of when.




So when will my miracle reach my life?

尔若如水吾乃鱼，仿似予吾成周全。

岂料连续生磨擦，彼此缘线渐抹杀。

知己难求百世修，奈何已至却难留。

眼见此生愿难成，心死孤魂不欲生。

木星 于万念俱灰、伤心欲绝之下所题

What did I do wrong now??


Seriously, tell me if I said the wrong things at the wrong time or offended you.

Don't just leave me clueless about it all.




Driving me crazy and pushing me off the edge.

Had a very brief flashback while doing meditation on the bus just now.

Had a fright.

The flashback wasn't something good.


She hurt herself during work in the afternoon.



Thank goodness she's alright. Nothing happened to her at all.


Its times like this that meditation scares me because I cannot discern whether such flashbacks are messages from the Universal-conscious or just some images created from my subconscious due to worrying/sad/emotions.

Well, she's all right. That's the most important.

Tired, brain saturated and doomed

Blogging in changi airport terminal 3 now. Am so so so tired, brain dead. And doomed.

Eileen's having a bad day. =( hope she'll get out of it soon. Sigh. Wish there's something that can be done.........

What's the meaning of life? Looking at all the various walking all arouns in changi airport now. Do they know what's their meaning in life? How many people in the world has tried searching for their purpose, their meaning? has anyone ever wondered, why do they have to come into this world as so and so? To have who and who as their family members, or to meet who in their lives...?

Everyone, going through the same routine in life. Being borned, growing up. Schooling. Working. Start a family. Have kids. Grow old. Die.

What other meaning is there in our lives? Other than going through the same old robotic routine humankind has been going through for thousands of years. What? Why? How?

Wish there's something i can do to help, especially xxxxxx. As of now, I know I'm completely incompetant of even convincing her certain things, much less offer help.

Blah blah. Listen to me dribbling on. So boring dribble. Hope tonight will be better for Eileen bah.

I need a rest already. Sigh....

Yet more random-ness

Thoughts got triggered when this song starts playing.... ... ..

突然好想你你會在哪里
過的快樂或委屈
突然好想你突然鋒利的回憶
突然模糊的眼睛

Some unspoken thoughts, some memories deeply hidden... ...
and suddenly, this song comes to mind

你写给我我的第一首歌
你和我十指紧扣默写前奏
可是那然后呢
还好我有我这一首情歌
轻轻的轻轻哼着哭着笑着
我的天长地久

陪我唱歌清唱你的情歌
舍不得短短副歌心还热着
也该告一段落
还好我有我下一首情歌
生命宛如静静的相拥的河
永远天长地久

Well, I had this song for quite a while. In fact, when this album first came out, I gotten the friendly version of the whole album. Because I remember Penny likes Fish Leong's song quite a lot. But, ultimately, I never had the chance to tell her I've got it, much less able to send her. But, just a month ago, I heard this song for the first time. Eileen sang it at KTV. Went back home to find the album, but it was lost with my spoilt harddisk. =\

Should go to sleep liaos. Tomorrow is another long day. Trying to squeeze information into my dysfunctional brain. =\

Random-ness

Found this while blog hopping and decided to put this up in my blog too.

Insomnia is a kind of torture.
Because while the world is fast asleep,
you're up all alone,
your mind buzzing with every random thought in the universe.
And sometimes the thoughts will reach a standstill,
and your mind goes blank.
You become more aware of the silence.
And it is during this moment that you realised,
how alone you are.

Last night got this pretty weird dream. Actually should be this morning. But I'm not going to put it here, because it's a really ridiculous dream.

Eileen finish 4 campaigns of L4D2 already!! *angry* ROAR. Simi lousy. I just don't like to use my brains when playing games. Next time show her how good I can be! *mad*

Yesterday when talking with shifeng, he revealed that the stars and planetary position has shifted and the world is getting a rather bad vibes from the universe. So I'm not the only one with this feeling, though mine is pretty vague and uncertain. Really should do more meditation soon. =\ I sense that soon, I need to increase my spirituality to another level because some people around me is going to need.. .... .....

该如何是好？改变自己，变回以前那个傲视天下、惟我独尊、正气凛然的自己吗？

不过还是得超越那个自己。

还有。。。。。

That day, this quote suddenly came to my mind when I was thinking of some of the people around me in my life.

Don't marry someone whom you can live with. Marry someone whom you cannot live without.

想想也是。只不过许多人往往无法了解自己心中真正所需要的。被外界的种种色相及幻相迷惑。 也有可能，有的人已经找到，已经知道他不能没有的那个人，不过他却因种种理由而无法和那个人在一起。

I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I'm with you.

 这是在一个人的tweet里看到的。很多人相爱的理由都不同。我不敢苟同这个人所说的的这句话，不过从另一个立场来看，其实也没有错。爱情本无对错。情感一来，我们都无法阻止。

我呢？我喜欢或者爱一个人，到底是什么理由呢？

以前的我总是说“喜欢一个人不需要什么理由”。没错，喜欢就是喜欢。感情一到就是喜欢上那个人了，还会有什么理由？
如果有人问现在的我，我又会怎样回答呢？
也许还是同一句话吧。喜欢她就是喜欢她。还有什么理由可以讲的。

如果是那个人呢？那个让我对他感觉胜过爱情的人？是什么理由呢？
爱情总让人折磨所以才选择做比情人更好的朋友？这个是理由吗？是自我安慰？还是逃避？

真的是好美的歌词。明天以后。不论是华语或者粤语版的，这首歌的歌词写得太好了。

我对你感觉胜过爱情
因为有你给我勇气
给我用不完的运气
其实也想好好爱你
只怕到最后不小心让你伤心(我不怕会伤心)
对不起我对你再好再亲密都不能在一起
最后看你在别人怀里
有天我会找到我的唯一(我并不是你的唯一)
还微笑祝福你

爱情总让人折磨
所以我们才选择做比情人更好的朋友

Ok. End of my randomness for this week. The universe is giving me that vibe again. I hope, it wouldn't affect people important to me that much.

请你一定要保重。请你一定要坚强。请你一定要快乐过日子。请你..............
...................................
....................................

Now i'm on bus 72. On the way to airport.

This is the first time i'm typing a blog entry on my new phone. Yupz, i gotten a new phone. Nokia e71. Still trying to get used to the qwerty keys, but i'm loving this phone already ^^. Heh.

Oh, by the way, i'm using the quickoffice app in my phone to blog on a document first, then later transfer to blog. Haha, didn't subscribe to a data plan, so i can only use wifi to surf on my e71. =)

Just now on the bus, suddenly was thinking of something. And i wondered, again.


What if i had met her in a totally different way?? In a totally different environment, at different points of our lives, would things be different?? Or will it end up being the same as now??

I don't know. Perhaps i'll be able to find out when someone invented ways to travel to parallel worlds within my lifespan. I guess, it would comfort me, that in the countless universes, at least one of me will be able to be with her.



haha, foolish thinking again. I can hear Eileen chiding me in my head again........
Oh well, reaching tampines interchange. Shall end here.

Where is everybody?

I took all your advices, all of you. Each and everyone who cares/cared.

I opened up.

I become socially more active.

Then you all just leave me to my devices.


After getting injuries and limping back from the battle field...

seeking sanctuary from those whom I listened to. Whom I also cared for. Whom I trusted.


Yet, they are nowhere to be found.

What happened to Jupiter who used to be indifferent and fearless of all these shit that also happened to him in the past?

Why am I so concerned now?


Why, am I, so in need of company now?

Why?

Under-demeciated


Severely.

Everything I say and do is still wrong. Or rubs people the wrong way.

To hell with me.

A rainy morning; an emo mind

Suddenly, I feel the need to type, and logged into hardwarezone and type all these out somewhere.

Looks lousy. Couldn't bring out what I wanted to bring across totally.



情之一字，错综复杂。

曾几何时，天下间出现了人？曾几何时天下间出现了情？

人的感情之广，包含了对父母、兄弟姐妹、儿女及家庭的情。
包含了朋友之间，惜惜相惜的情。
包含了男女之间的情。
包含了。。。。。。。。

男女之间的情，竟然是人人最常挂在嘴边。最常被歌颂，著作，永远的神话般。 就像梁山伯与朱瑛台。就像Romeo&Juliet。

越是激情、越是伤心、越是悲惨的一段情。。。才会让人注意。才会让人瞩目。才会让人觉得这份爱真的是轰轰烈烈的。。。。。

男女之间的情。应该是天底下最让人费解的情感吧!

身边总是听到朋友们爱不到。不然就是以悲剧分离。有时我不禁会想到。“为什么爱一个人一定要跟她在一起。长相思守，白头到老，永浴爱河？”
为什么我们一旦爱上一个人，就自自然然地会想要一直在她身边？
为什么我们无法和心所爱的人在一起，就会无比的伤心欲绝、痛不欲生？

好多问题。不过却没有答案。

说什么"If you love her, you will let her go.” 或者什么 "真正的爱是无私的，只要你爱她，你会让她走的。而且还会祝福她"

有谁能够真的做到这样？
这些只是安慰自己的话，其实，有谁会真正懂得爱？如果真的有，那么他就不会说出这样的话了，因为这些话对于一个真正懂得爱的人是多余的。。。。

喜欢一个人，爱一个人。到底是甜蜜？还是痛苦？应该是甜蜜中隐藏着无比的痛苦吧!!

曾经在internet上看到这个问题。“如果给你选择，你会跟哪一位永远地度过一生？ 最爱你的人还是你最爱的人？”
我吗？请不要问我。因为我是一个只爱过人，却从来没有被女生爱的一个默默无闻的小子。

记得郑中基的一首歌有这么样的歌词，
“被爱是幸福，爱人是痛苦”

如果是你，你会怎么选？最爱你的人？你最爱的人？

如果让你找到一个你最爱的人，而且她又是最爱你的人，那么，你，能够保证永远的珍惜彼此，珍惜这份如此难得可贵的感情吗？  

.......................................................................


祝大家有情人终成眷属。就好像杨过和小龙女一样，无论什么挫折，无论时间过了多久。彼此之间的感情永恒不变 。。。。


************************************

想要把你忘记真的好难
思念的痛在我心里纠缠
朝朝暮暮的期盼永远没有答案
为何当初你选择一刀两断

听你说声爱我真的好难
曾经说过的话风吹云散
站在天秤的两端一样的为难
唯一的答案
爱一个人好难

  

深夜里的促膝闲谈......

夜深了 夜深了
你在床边为谁等待
夜深了 夜深了
我的秘密被谁打开
夜深了 夜深了
你的美丽为谁等待
夜深了 夜深了
我的秘密被谁打开

***************************************

还记得2个月前Eileen跟我说过, "Your life suddenly feels more meaningful when there's someone liking you right?"

前提是如果那个人真的对你有意思。如果没有呢？
如果没有，那么活着的意义就少了？对我而言。。。

掏出心里话，其实只要我有喜欢的人，关怀的人，深爱的人，对她超出爱的范围的那个人， 只要生命里有这些人，我想活着就已经很有意义了。

可是......可是...........................可是，人，总是走不出占有的这种欲望。因为我还没有修到无我。我，还是蛮执着的。

-------------------------------------

生日那天，其实有好几位祝我生日快乐。虽然是个蛮不错的惊喜，但是我却没有怎么感到非常的开心。不过还是感恩，感激他们记得我的生日。

-------------------------------------

不想再找人聊了。但是还是跟一位近期认识的‘豆腐’朋友聊了几句。不敢说太多，因为怕失控。聊着聊着，突然想要再次从大家的生命中消失。有可能会这样吧。

我又太过感情化了吧。仍然是个大傻瓜。

关心别人，他/她未必会接受，反而觉得你很烦。
不关心吗？反而弄到自己难受，心急如焚。

-------------------------------------

身心交瘁。。。。。。。

点亮着自己的那道烛光，正在渐渐变暗..........................................................................


*********************************

燃烧小小的身影在夜晚
为夜路的旅人照亮方向
短暂的生命努力的发光
让黑暗的世界充满希望

萤火虫萤火虫慢慢飞
我的心我的心还在追
城市的灯光明灭闪耀
还有谁会记得你燃烧光亮

26th October 2009

Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday to me


Looks retarded when u type out a birthday song for yourself. Oh well.

The bottom of the pit hole is actually ... quicksand.

So you think you've fallen into a pit hole. And you think that's the lowest point you can get.


But no.



You just realised that the bottom of the pit hole is actually quick sand. You're slowly but surely sinking down into quicksand.

Your ankles...


Then your knees... ...

The hip gets engulfed...

And there goes that waistline you detest so much

Soon your chest gets swallowed up...

And your chin feels ticklish it slowly disappears in the sand.........

Your mouth spits and spatters, but gives up and lets in the sand which soon fills up the void...

The cute button nose waves goodbye, not before sucking in several grains of sand in and making you sneeze yourself to death...

Soon the eyes saw darkness and the eyelids becomes cemented shut by the weight of the sand..

The hair should have been spared, for being the lightest body part. Alas, it too, has to disappear, as though the growth of a plant is played in reverse.

********************************************

Feeling even worse than yesterday.

The penknife on the table is beckoning... and it looks so tempting... ... ... ...

Or the calls of that cigarette pack i picked up several months ago........ ..... ....

Possibly the worst day for the 2nd half of 2009

Lousy communication skills
Lousy social skills
Lousy interpersonal skills
Lousy reading signals skills
Lousy body language skills
Lousy consoling skills
Lousy...

Everything about me is lousy.


Feel like a useless piece of shit lying in a pile of manure in one big shithole.

Seems like I just suddenly lost my own meaning of living. Despite saying all those big words in the previous posts.

Why am I borned? If there's nothing I can do... ??




At least its not my birthday today. Sigh. It would really sucked to discover all about yourself on your birthday.

And might end up being deathday.


Nah, just joking. I promised my close friends I wouldn't kill myself. I promised Eileen I wouldn't do anything foolish and that I would be alright(even though she probably dun even remember). I promised myself that I would live on to continue to care on and protect those I care and treasure. And truly love.

6 more days, yet another lonely birthday this year.
Last year went to eat supper with Eileen, CY, Xiao Sun, Maurice and Aiax(can't remember, or was it Joe??). Just so happened it falls on my birthday, at least when the clock strikes 12 that is. Really a nice feeling, to have people with you on your birthday. Karen smsed me happy birthday. That's all.

This year, probably just the same ritual as per normal. No celebration, no one bothers, no one cares.


Just don't let me do more self-discovery about how useless and lousy I am.

人生是苦乐参半？其实应该是苦多乐少吧..............

我脑海中正思潮起伏，念念如浪浪波涛般地冲击着我的心岸。

有点恐慌。
有点惊疑。
有点迷茫。

------------------------------------------------

Was talking to Eileen earlier on. I wonder why I asked her those. I wonder why I told her about the lumps. I wonder why I talked to her about.. ... .... ...
Instead of just chatting a normal conversation with her.

Ended up I don't want to continue with the conversation any longer. I just said a hurried goodbye and, well, left msn. So to speak.


So secrets will end up being secrets after all. I guess some of my secrets will really follow me to my grave. Regrets probably will follow with the secrets.



I really want to make everyone I care for happy. I really really do. In all the self sacrificing of my time, money, energy, life. I will do almost anything, that doesn't violates my principals.



But I failed. Again. Why?

---------------------------------------------------------


应该了解世间种种的苦空无我，诸法无常，诸法无我，涅盘寂静。

但是我还是执着。



因为，对我而言。。。

关心，关怀，保护及照顾我生命中重要的人，正是我活着的意义之一。


你知道吗？

没有了你，没有了梦

昨天晚上。。。不对，正确来讲是今天早上。又梦到了她。
昨晚睡得很不好。介于半梦半醒之间。直到早上6点才能真正入眠。没想到竟然有梦到了她。

这个星期来，已经是第4次了。

难道她，又有什么让她非常心烦的事吗？

怎么办？

-----------------------------------

last night went to parkway again. Play pool. After which walked her home, or rather the block before she reach her block. LOL.

---------------------------------------


好累。
忽然间很想就这样睡去一个月的世间。

一直睡。。一直睡。


不过我会舍不得。一定会舍不得。


如此多的情感。如此多的关怀。如此多的想念。

做一个感情丰富的人的确是蛮累的。

----------------------------------

Going to Bangkok with the edmw guys next march. Looking forward to it. =)


**************************

梦里的爱情就是不能永恒
醒来后就像一撑完的电影意犹未尽
梦里的爱情浪漫而离奇
我想夜晚早点来临
继续连接梦中的温馨

阳光总在风雨后
乌云上有睛空
珍惜所有的感动
每一份希望在你手中

阳光总在风雨后
请相信有彩虹
风风雨雨都接受
我一直会在你的左右

*************************************************

ok, so after almost 2 months of inactivity. I think everyone believes my blog is now dead. haha.


I HAD forgotten the reasons why I wanted to shut myself away from people. Recently reminded of the reasons because I met with almost the same situations again with some people. But what the heck, the pros far outweight the cons.

I met really nice people who can be really great friends. And I now find myself having this very important friend to me, it'll kill me to lose her.

--------------------------------------

越接近真理，也就能越了解人性
一旦太过了解人性，就会觉得人其实是非常可悲的一种生命

本来具有的真心，全都被世间所有的假象蒙蔽了....

I told Eileen this verse I came out with. Contextually, when I first came out with this verse, it just sprouted off from me. I originally intended to convey the "un-mundane" meaning, but looking at it from another view, actually it very much applies to the mundane world after all.

Her reply? "its.. the ugly truth abt life and humanity"

How appropriate. And ironic. Just after we all watched The Ugly Truth last saturday night....

---------------------------------

不忍心看见我周围的人难过。不忍心看见我周围的人受伤。不忍心看见我周围的人被......

是慈悲吗? 是对大家的感情吗?

对了啊。我还是人。我还不是什么圣者，不是菩萨，不是佛。只是一个受过密教灌顶的未来佛。现在我还是一个有血有肉，有感情，有欲望，有善念，有恶念的一个人。

我还是做不到众生平等。我仍然有所喜，有所恶。

我是修行人。我也认定我此生其中主要的目的就是来修行的。我不后悔走上修行的路。我甚至已经能够明白，我是跟着师尊而来的。

可是我还是一个人。

想到<<明天以后>>这首歌的歌词，又触动了我内心的一部分。一个我绝对不会露出来的一部分。很无奈的，绝对不能露出来的。

我对你感觉胜过爱情 -- 原来如此。就是这样的。已经胜过爱情了。

爱情总让人折磨所以我们才选择做比情人更好的朋友 -- 原来如此。这样才能保证永永远远吧。不是以情人或夫妻，而是以朋友保持永远的感情。

这就是从小爱进化成的大爱吗？我不清楚，也不明白。因为除了师尊，除了佛，除了菩萨，除了圣者，很少很少人知道什么是真正的大爱。

突然间觉得好像变成要写稿交上真佛报的。也许这几天若是有什么灵感的话就试试投稿吧。

----------------------------------------

How to make people happy?

Eileen said something which struck me quite badly. So I am still unworthy to make people around me happy.
Sympathy is not enough. Empathy is not enough. Compassion is not enough. Sincerity is not enough. I still lack... lacking in......... .................. ..............................


I want to make everyone happy. Everyone. Because I can't bear to see......


********************************************

放手放开所有彼此更自由
放手其实我绝非爱得不够
放手豁出所有还有这个好友
已经已经足够

放手我的牵挂找不到尽头
放手期望你幸福甚么都有
也许爱很深厚然而我早看得透
放手至可拥有

19 days and counting down....

19 more days and counting down. to 31st August. Really fast. How time flies.

So much has happened. I have no idea where to start.

Thanks guys for the nights out and the great sessions with you all.
Eileen, Xiao Lin, Jiemei, Wakie, Xiao Sun, Xiao Ai, Maurice, Ben, Cali.

Alvin, his gf, Mike and his gf too. The wushu guys for that day out. And special thanks to Alvin. For that long talk-cum-crash-course.

Spent a total of $180 over the weekends. Shocking. Plans for getting some books and other stuff to be on hold.


I'm weird. I can pick and choose dresses, footwear for girls. But I can't pick nice stuff for myself. Maybe its because I'll always picture the girls in the dress/footwear in my mind, but I never picture myself wearing what I picked for myself. Perhaps that's the reason. Or maybe I really suck at choosing my own clothes.

I finally saw her online that day. But I didn't talk to her as usual. No topic. Even though I asked her whether she wanted to have a chat over some drinks on what she had put as her status on facebook, she didn't reply me and I never even thought of asking her on msn then. Hoped she went temple on sunday cause of Guan Yin Dan, but she didn't go. Quite disappointed. At least I forgotten it quicker, had it not been the outing with Eileen, Xiao Lin they all.

I guess Alvin's right. I'm screwed. I'll change though. Into a new person. Both inside and outside.

Outside I've got Eileen and Xiao Sun helping me.

Inside, I've gotten the crash course from Alvin. I may have forgotten some of the stuffs he mentioned, and some habits are really hard to change. But I'm trying.


Oh yes, not forgetting I've upped my own stakes about the challenge with Eileen. Phew, I guess the crash-course from Alvin is a God-sent. LOL.



So much has happened. And they are mostly good memories. I hope I will never forget them. =)

Not much inspirations for writing lately. So I shall just end here. Till then.

Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I'd stay up and think of you
And I'd wish on a star
That somewhere you are thinking of me too

***************************************************************

Oh yeah. Its exactly 1 week since the promise. 7 more weeks to go.

When was the last time you feel lonely??

Was playing L4D with Boon and SJ. KM can't join us cos he's sick. Sigh. Hope he'll recover soon.

Walked home just now. Well, I didn't exactly walked home from Katong, but took 76 to YCK road before it turns into AMK Ave 3 and I alighted to walk back home. It was a 25 mins walk.

I wasn't feeling as down, but I reckoned I needed the walk. To get used to the solitude again. Often, I had noticed that once I've had fun and enjoyed myself with friends, and when its time to go on our separate ways back home, the loneliness kicks itself back in. And the impact felt became magnified due to the stark contrast between the company you were with and the sudden stillness of being alone.

************************************************************

Wonder if you ever see me
And I wonder if you know I'm there
If you looked in my eyes
Would you see what's inside?
Would you even care?

************************************************************

The impact was greatest at night. At wee hours of the night. When there's so few people walking on the same pavement as you, or the passengers in the buses could be counted with both your hands, and you have enough fingers left to eat some finger food. Eileen told me the other day. "Its during at night when you felt the most lonely". Something like that. I know I wasn't the only one, but she's the first to tell me this in person. A lot of my friends would return to a home with parents, and/or siblings to chat to and share with. Or call up their girlfriends/boyfriends to chatter nineteen to the dozens. Or just hit the sack the moment he enters his room. Or start up the computer to go online or to play that popular game everyone's playing.

How many would end up like me? Sitting here in the middle of the night. Contemplating. Absorbing the solitude. Gazing into the night. Thinking of the shadows. Wondering about the coolness. Pondering about the darkness. Listening for the stillness.

************************************************************

I just wanna hold you close
But so far, all I have are dreams of you
So, I wait for the day and the courage to say
How much I love you

************************************************************

While walking back, I suddenly remembered the song I translated halfway a month ago. 小酒窝 a duet by 林俊杰 and 蔡卓妍. I listened to the song on my ipod touch, while thinking of the rest of the lyrics to be translated while walking. And then reaching home, to complete the whole song. With the help of translation tools for certain verbs. Do sing it using the original music. I've translated the song so it follows the music as well.

Small Dimple - JJ Lin and Ah Sa

I am still searching

My dependance, and someone to hug

Who will pray for me, worry for me

Or be angry or get vexed

Happiness starts its omen

Fate slowly embezzled both of us

Then solitude got swallowed up

Boredom morphed into topics, changes are here

Small dimples long eyelash

Are your prettiest features

I can't sleep every night, remembering your smile

You've no idea you're so important to me

Now with you my life has become complete

Small dimple long eyelash

Enchant till incurable

I slowed down my footsteps like I'm intoxicated

Found the beauty of our hearts connect at last

Feeling warmth for the rest of my life

I will love you for ever

**********************************************************

When was the last time you feel lonely?

I feel lonely now.

*********************************************

但是天总会黑,人总要离别
谁也不能永远陪谁
而孤单的滋味,谁都要面对
不只是你我会感觉到疲惫

***********************************

笑 。忘 。忧 。

想笑来伪装掉下的眼泪

点点头承认自己会怕黑..........................

*******************************************

原本以为我写不出什么的。却在见到了一个人的笑容时忽而有感。

那天他心情还算不错了。比起几天前好了许多许多。让我心中的一些忧虑消失了不少。看来他还很期待能够和好友再聚聚。陪着他等他的好友到来。没料到竟然让我见到了意想不到的人。当时我真的有些不知所措。我只知道我的脸红了。吃着面包都会哽着咳嗽了好几次，真是狼狈。

当他和好友在一起的时候，我心中泛起了一丝的温暖。他的眼神变了。他的心情变了。他的笑容更自然了。见到了那真真正正发自内心、毫无造做的笑容，我很欣慰。那种笑容真的很好看。我真心希望他能够笑出更多更多这样的笑容。真的。

-------------------------------------------------

前几天，在facebook看到她的朋友tag她的照片。原来她的一个朋友过二十一岁生日。看到她在照片里的笑容，我的心情很复杂。开心伴着一阵阵的伤感。欣慰带着一丝丝的遗憾。心中又升起了酸酸的醋意。她在两张照片里面，那种人人司空见惯的小动作，对我来说是一种很大的打激。

痛。

-------------------------------------------------

其实我找他是想说出来的。也许他骂我的时候我心情会好一点。也许他叫我放弃她的时候我会觉得没那么痛。不过我就是开不了口。反而跟他说些有的没的。不过我还是蛮感激他的。因为我和他在一起时，心情确实没那么低落了。也没想那么多了。其实人真的不能没有朋友。就像他，见到了好友整个人变得很愉快，很放松。平日他放在肩膀上的负担也似乎在好友面前变轻了。

今晚就会见我从中学到现在的好友了。去玩L4D。不知，我，是否能够跟他一样？放下一切，从心中发出那种温馨的笑容。

******************************************

爱笑的天使嘴角上扬
混然不觉兀自安详
不惹尘埃不起风浪
在你身上我看到了光

Geeks, the Gathering

Alright. I'm now at Shijie's house. 7am in the morning. And we didn't sleep for the whole night.

Yesterday, went lunch with Ewan at Hougang 805 western food. Then after chatting for a while, we decided to head to sing at Hougang Plaza Kbox. Pics are all in facebook. LOL.

After that went to temple. No, after that, I went home to bathe, change and head to temple.

I'm alone leading the session again. Thank heavens I was only late for 5mins.

After I've finished my temple duty, I took MRT to Yishun to meet up with Boon and SJ. Wow. Its been over a year since I last came to Yishun and Northpoint has changed so much. Think I'll come to see the new mall someday again.

Walked to Xin Wang Cafe. On time. 11pm. Called SJ, they still at home. (--")

After they arrived, we ate, and chatted...
...
......
.........

Somehow our conversation headed to the discussion of all time. Newtonian Laws, Relativity, Earth's Motion, Airplane within a closed system on Earth. Distance travelled, Speed of Airplane, Time difference.. etc. etc. etc.

A freaking 2 hour discussion. All the geek discussion.
Suddenly I thought I had become one of the characters in Big Bang Theory.

2am, we left and walked to SJ's house. Setup our stuff and played dota for 3+ hours.

But quite cool. I think we might be going for a trip to Taiwan next year. Will have discussion on it in the future. Yeah. Looking forward to visit Taiwan again. =)

***************************************

Think the effects of the 2 cups of iced yuan yang hasn't worn off yet. My eyes are feeling a little bit tired, but my mind is still quite alert. Don't have to give tuition today, so at least I can rest later during the day.


Suddenly I realised I'm not blogging what I wanted to blog earlier on. And I've forgotten what I wanted to blog about. *facepalm*

****************************************

找不到坚强的理由
再也感觉不到你的温柔
告诉我星空在那头
那里是否有尽头

The Promise

Horrendous.
Tonight is a roller coaster ride for my emotions. Free ticket. 4 hour long ride. How cool.


*********************************************************


Well, at least now when I went back to read Eileen's blog entry, I can feel what that post is supposed to bring across.

Its weird, how I've been using an innate sense to feel things rather than using the mind to analyse. I feel people more than anything else.
Now it turns to feeling what people's been writing. Ok. Its not a new thing anyway. There were times I felt for the actor in the movie, or the character in that particularly heartbreaking novel. Or those articles on the newspapers where I can really feel the hurt and pain from those people in it.

Oh well. Tomorrow's a big day. There's gonna be another THE TALK with my close friends again. Sigh.

I hope things wouldn't go terribly wrong.


Insomnia. As usual............



*************************************************************

So I've made a promise to Eileen. Which further upgraded to a challenge. We're going to lose 5kg weight over a period of 2 months starting today. Or rather yesterday. Due date would be 31st Aug, 2nd day of the commencement of her school.

Was hoping she was aware what she's doing will be a little bit damaging to her body, especially the steep curve of weight loss she's going to be engaging in. Well, pray her weight loss will be a gradual decrease over the 2 months and not a sudden drop.

So went for a jog today. The start of fulfilling my promise to Eileen. Guess I covered about 3km jogging. My back starts to ache again. GG. At least it wasn't as painful as when I was still in NS.

Promise. 10 years since I last made a mutual promise with a girl. Hmm. No wait. I just recalled I have made some mutual promises with the wushu girls 4 yrs back.
Heh. Promise.

1st promise in 4 years(with a girl). I will never break it.

***************************************************

4.30am. And still not feeling sleepy. My insomnia is getting worse. Sigh.

To think I've always been nagging at girls to sleep earlier. Must be my retribution.

Bleah.



Life is unfathomable.


吃不能吃睡不能睡
没有了你全都不对
我都学不会把爱敷衍
用笑容来把眼泪催眠

What is it like to have a dormant volcano erupt inside you?

There was a small eruption within me just now, when my close frends msned me.

I burst out at them. Childishly. As before. Without keeping my emotions in check again.


I cannot help it. I was feeling quite awful these few days, and tonight seemed to have escalated to a higher ground, and when they asked if I wanted to catch a movie with them, and when I mentioned Ice Age 3, it went out of redemption.

All my laments. All my frustrations. The hopelessness. The helplessness. All comes torrenting out within. Only it happened in my mind. All the shouting and crying and screaming. Outward appearance-wise, I'm just like typing normally in front of my computer. But the words all comes out on msn.

***********************************************************

So I've decided, I'll catch Ice Age 3 3D either tomorrow afternoon or wednesday afternoon, which ever has lesser people, so I don't have to endure the agony of seeing lovey dovey couples watching the show while I'm watching it alone.

How long has it been, watching a movie all alone by myself. I think the very last movie I catch alone was Cars. Since then I don't catch movies alone by myself, because its really very depressing to do so, when all around you are people with their groups of friends, or family. Or the worst case scenario, couples. I could still remember of the times, I would console myself and say to myself "Its ok. They got their lives, I got mine. This is my life and I'm happy with it"

Ok I lied. There's no way I could console myself with that stupid shit. I would just ignore and concentrate on my popcorn and the movie. After it ends, I'll just walk and not look at anyone else walking out of the theater with me. So pathetic of me.


No mood to continue writing le. I'll blog another day bah.

Geez, another sleepless night. Sigh.


Insomnia =(

My affinity with St Nicholas Girls' School Part III - Its Not The End...YET

The following below is the post i typed in 2007. Here i copied and pasted it...making only minimal editing....
**************************************************************

This part, will be the final part, I swear. Its about the more recent happenings....

Earlier this year, I met Sijie at suntec. Was waiting for my mother and relatives shopping for clothes, then i was standing at this small corner where i can look at ppl walk by without them noticing me...then i saw Sijie walking towards my direction...but she never see me lah...she just walked off without seeing me.......

Huiling...has been in contact with her...at least more frequent than the rest, even though its like errr...once or twice every few months...pathetic hor...wahaha...then last yr played mahjong with her...this yr...she release airplane on us for badminton...wahahah...

Yiwen, call it fate, destiny, or was it my "powers", that one day...i was at suntec macdonalds...using my laptop and reading books..then when i leaving home...i met Yiwen...she going to suntec to meet her frends for dinner...the amazing thing is somehow i was thinking of her in the afternoon at macs...like very long never see her and how she was doing...then evening meet her...powerful...i also astounded myself...wahhah...then toked to her a bit then she left to meet her frends...also met her at our NTUBS outing and talked to her on msn and sms her a bit also...

Emily, my mei mei's mei mei aka my xiao mei mei(even though she die also dun want to be my xiao mei mei)...saw her outside sim lim...she never see me...but i saw her...at 1st i couldn't recognise her...just find her familiar...but when she walked past me...i was like EMILY?!??!??! ok...haha...after that sms-ed her to ask...yeah...it was her...wahahah...and read her blog recently(i read it for the 1st time this yr)..she came to NIE!!! wahhah...ok lah...better dun look for her or wat...if not she'll kill me or something :p

hmmz..i guess that all ba...a bit anti-climax rite?? after reading the previous parts........coz i din reveal everything mah...i can't lah...some is really sensitive and classified stuff...wahaha...if they dun mind...i mind...if they mind...i die...so cannot reveal too much le...wahahaha...

ok...so ends the saga. Will there be a prequel or sequel??? wahahah...prequel not possible lah...but sequel...see how lah.............................................

*** CHIJ St Nicholas Girls' School ***

My affinity with St Nicholas Girls' School Part II - Forget Them Not

The following below is the post i typed in 2007. Here i copied and pasted it...making only minimal editing....
**************************************************************


So, i've left out some parts in Part I, frankly speaking, i'm not too sure myself whether i should put down everything here, will it cause implications?? But since its all mostly in the past, i guess nothing serious will happen lah, not that what had happened has any tremendous effects.......

i shall continue from where i left behind in part I.

2nd encounter with sngs, my dearest Kangming in my class during sec 3...i forgot the reason why, but he started this pen pal thingy with his pri sch classmate. Turned out to be...yupz..sngs...WSL(pardon me for not revealing full name...but i decided to keep these minor details secret, of which only my close frends will know), she was studying in 3Loyalty '97. Of course...was in boys school mah...naturally most of us was pretty excited at this idea...including me...wahaha...so i was in this pen pal thing as well. My pen pal was Sijie. Corresponded with her a few times via letter before i finally gotten an internet account and started talking to her in IRC(IRC was the 'in' thing that time). Also went with Kangming to meet with Suling and had several talks with her(she needed some advice), actually the one doing the talking most of the time was Kangming and her...wahahah...then slowly, i(and Kangming, and Boon) slowly got to know the other girls in 3L. They were like...err...sister hood of some sort. 9 of them in all if i remember correctly. Suling, Sijie, Elsa, Sylvia, Zhijun, then the other 4 we didn't really see/meet/know them. Then by some freak chance, Boon's crush(since Pri sch) Kat was also in 3L. Then through Kat we also gotten to know Huiling(Kat's name is also Huiling, they just had different surnames and Kat got christian name, then Boon and Kangming secretly named them cat and dog so we would know which one we're toking abt). Then through Huiling i slowly got to know people from her CCA, SNCO, St Nicholas Chinese Orchestra. In SNCO, i've gotten to know, Liyun, Jiaqi(she's quite pretty), Daisy, then '99 batch is Huili, Zhiling and Jiahui(dun really know her well, only talked to her a few times when she came to CJC for 1st 3 months), then '00 batch is only Shulin, '01 batch, Angeline nai nuer and Sining nai nuer, '02 batch is Khaiqing, '03 batch got Emily and Yingying(nu er). Most of the people in SNCO i know through IRC channel #snco. I was the pioneer batch of #snco and helped someone with the registration. Then from #snco i also gotten to know other sngs girls as well, Angeline mei nu(wah..i really forgot how i noe her liaoz), Yiqi, Yuqi, Marianne(the last 2 is also my nai nuer), last but not least, Xianning and her cousins Jiehui and Jinghui.........

Ok, pretty long right??? that's why i decided to split it up...and for those who got the endurance to read until here..i'll give you a special bonus......the list of the girls i once liked................

Sijie, Huiling, Huili, Khaiqing, Sining, Xianning....................


anyway...besides them...there's also this sngs girl i like in NTU..she's in the same cca as me, NTU Buddhist Society, Yiwen................but i let her go that time...coz that time i still no confidence in myself.......and well...she gotten attached not too long after...........

so now...this is about the affinity i have with girls from SNGS. Though i do have female frends from other schools as well, but they belong to a minority. Most of my female frends still comes from SNGS(well...that ratio will soon be changed i guess...once i gotten out to work)...

that's all i'm putting in this part...but i think there's a part 3 coming up...wahahah...but it'll be short lah...quite short....ok?? so watch out for part 3!!!

My affinity with St Nicholas Girls' School Part I - How It All Began

The following below is the post i typed in 2007. Here i copied and pasted it...making only minimal editing....
**************************************************************

Right, after so so so long of no update, i finally updated. Yeah. haha...and after coming back, i'm suddenly writing abt SNGS??? wahaha...oh well...whether got ppl read or not...let them read. Its not as though i'm writing something terrible or wat...

ok...sngs...this post is about sngs.................not really lah...actually should be my affinity with sngs...why in the hell would i suddenly write abt sngs?? well...just a week ago, met up with some sec sch frends...and we mentioned abt sngs...and my apparantly "close" relationship with sngs...wahahh...actually...come to think of it...out of all my female frends...a lot does come from sngs...................ok...lets not get out of point...

St Nicholas Girls' School. SNGS. St Nicks. St nics. SNG. SN.

1st of all, lets get this straight. I'm a guy, period. Never went through any sex operation or natural mutation to turn into the opposite sex. Secondly, I have no cousins who studied in sngs. Thirdly, I studied in a boys' school, so how the hell did I know sngs ppl???

Wellllllllllllllllllllllll...like i said, this post is abt my affinity with sngs. I'd say its really affinity(in chinese is 缘份 yuan2 fen4)...must say properly coz the dictionary meanings of affinity is..

A natural attraction, liking, or feeling of kinship.
Relationship by marriage.
An inherent similarity between persons or things. See Synonyms at likeness.
Biology : A relationship or resemblance in structure between species that suggests a common origin.
Immunology : The attraction between an antigen and an antibody. <--- wat the hell??? Chemistry : An attraction or force between particles that causes them to combine.

anyway, lets proceed on with this post.

1st of all, I would guess my 1st connection with sngs is during pri 6...sec 1...ok...make that between pri 6 and sec 1...haha...was studying in a not well known pri sch...and my batch was the 1st batch that produced the best results in PSLE throughout the history of the school(at least, that was wat we heard, but subsequently, our juniors seems to pick up from there and we wasn't the best anymore......but its ok...we're the 1st!!!wahaha), 10 ppl getting more than 250points in PSLE...lets see...1 got 260, 2 got 259, 1 got 255, 2 got 254, 1 got 253 and i think got 1 got 251 and another got 250...wait a min...that's not ten ppl...fine..i can't exactly remember since its so long ago(more than 10 yrs)...but i'm sure i've got the ppl from 254 onwards correct(becoz mine was 254)...most of them from my class lah...then the one who topped was Wendy. Can't remember her surname, but yeah...it was wendy...kept calling wendy witch...wahaha...so bad...she very quiet one lah...then heard she went to sngs...that's my 1st connection with sngs...my pri sch classmate went to sngs(ok...that's a bit stretched coz i never contact her coz no contact and the only time i saw her was a gathering during jc)

2nd encounter with sngs, my dearest Kangming in my class during sec 3...i forgot the reason why, but he started this pen pal thingy with his pri sch classmate. Turned out to be...yupz..sngs...WSL(pardon me for not revealing full name...but i decided to keep these minor details secret, of which only my close frends will know), she was studying in 3Loyalty '97. Of course...was in boys school mah...naturally most of us was pretty excited at this idea...including me...wahaha...so i was in this pen pal thing as well. ------------------ ok...this story will be continued as it will span a period of abt 8 yrs...yes...until now...so i'll cut it off for now until the next post

3rd encounter with sngs. I can still remember this. Coz its my 1st time(and the only time. *sob sob*) i got approached by a girl...its like this...was in computer club back in cat high(oh ya...forgot to mention...i studied in a boys' school...and its name was......err...IS Catholic High School)...now computer club...actually the full name was computer appreciation club and its abbreviation was COMAC...so was in comac...and went for this competition in VJC. Then i spotted her amongest the sngs team. *sidetrack a bit, that period of time...morning take bus to sch...almost everyday see her in the bus, and also happened to see her name on nametag, YYT...blue, means she was sec 2, 1 yr younger than me* so i kinda looked at her for a while...then continued with my frends lah..then after the competition when we were having the refreshments, i was alone(forgot why already) then she came and approach me and introduced herself to me...as my chinese name was a bit hard to remember and sounds a bit weird(if u use the correct pronounciation)...i told her my eng name..which is Jupiter...her face like immediately changed and said she dun go irc one(irc was the in-thing then)..then i said its my real name...then she like gave me this 'i-dunno-how-to-describe-it-to-you' face and walked off...and thus i never see her again even on the bus.......................... epilogue : last i heard, she was studying in NTU material engineering. but i never see her in NTU...assuming wat i heard is accurate lah...

4th encounter : CJC 1st 3 months. Kangming should know her coz she was his pri sch classmate also.. Lin YY...i dun really wish to tok abt her...coz i dun noe her that well and...frankly speaking...i find her too...err...exaggerated...even km gave me a pained look when i told him i got YY as my classmate...wahhaha...then another person...can't remember her name coz she left CJC and went NJ or HCJC after that...but she was pretty close to me that time(close as in frendship close...nothing else)...also got Pris, know her thru the close frend...the 2 sngs girls in class s10(after 1st 3 months...but i never know them lah)...and after 1st 3 months...only 3 girls in my class(sob sob) and 2 of them from sngs...during 2nd yr...the non-sngs girl retained in yr1...so my class only consists of sngs girls!!!! (only 2 lah...)...one of them was half thai...she power lah...1st yr valentine's day heard she got more than 10 presents...and some of them from yr2 seniors somemore...so u can imagine she's more than those average looking gal u see on the streets...(but i not interested in her...why?? u'll find out soon)...anyway...no contact with any of them now lah...

5th encounter : NTU...hall 2 FOC...OG gal got 1 sn girl...OMG...i forgot her name for the time being...wahhaha...anyway...nothing much to say abt...and also no contact already *i remembered her name liaoz...but i'm not telling...no one knows who she is anyway......oh...maybe someone will noe...haha*

6th encounter : NTUBS...main comm 03-04...our dear treasurer...was from sngs...then njc...then ntu accountancy...then now working.......as an auditor...sigh...y auditor??? very slogging life.....anyway...ya...i was actually quite surprised to see one sngs gal in ntubs...y?? coz ALL the gals i noe from sngs...mostly is free-thinker(by choice and not by birth) or christians/catholics...so was pretty surprised lah............ok fine...chastise me off for sterotyping...watever... *secret*...wanna hear secret??? wahahah...confirm wanna hear rite...coz being kaypoh is mostly a human trait......got this period of time i liked her lah...but then..........well...to cut story short.......she got attached but not with me...ok...full stop...more abt her in the upcoming parts...wahhahah

is that all??? i guess so...although the 2nd encounter will make this post a hell lot longer...so i decided to split it and put it in part 2!! part 2 coming up.................

Settling the past .... bit by bit ...

Ok. Some entries back, I mentioned about my love life. The first half of it. So to speak. Ok. Its not going to be the entire first half. Reason being it stretches way back until my Pri 5 life. There was an incident then that lasted until end of Pri 6. It was the start of everything. But, perhaps I am still reluctant to reveal it now. I doubt I've never even told Boon they all about it. Nevermind that. Maybe when the time comes, I will bring it up, and let it go as I'm supposed to when i left Yio Chu Kang Pri Sch in 1994.

Ok. First half of my love life. So-called love life. I don't even know what to call it. Pathetic isn't it? I has actually typed out the summary of it 3 years ago. Only I never published it in my old blog. Now I decided to publish it. And let it all go. Once and for all.

So bear with me. The following few entries are going to be some memories of the past. After I've edited them to date. They will be up online.

Till then, please bear with me.


And,

Sijie, Suling(Eleanor), Huiling, Elsa, Sylvia, Kat, Liyun, Zhijun, Huili, Zhilin, Shulin, Khaiqing, Xianning, Sining, Angeline, Emily, Jinghui, Jiehui, Jiaqi, Daisy, Siqi, Yiqi, Yuqi, Marianne, all those girls I've known and chatted in #loyalty and #sngs and #snco, Yiwen, Yanting, Natalie, Huili(CJC), Yingying, Pricilla............................

I thank you all for being in my life. Letting me experience stupidity, foolishness, how it feels to like someone, how it feels to be rejected, how it feels to lose to another guy, how fun and interesting it is to be with girls.........

Thank you all. =)

I sense a disturbance in the force...

Ok. I need help. Serious help.

Its been more than a week I can't sleep at night. Until its freaking late like 3+am at least. This is an alarming phenomenon. It wouldn't have mattered if I was out with frends and returned home at wee hours therefore explaining the fact I couldn't sleep earlier if I wanted to. However, another fact points out that I also couldn't sleep earlier despite being at home before 12. Am I having insomnia?? That is bad.

It doesn't help that I had a, I couldn't find the words, disturbing dream last night. After finally falling asleep after 3.20am, I dreamt of my late grandmother. It was so surreal. I know in dreams, things always look and feel so surreal, but amongst the surreal feel. There was also the familiarity and sense of comfort when I see my grandmother. I felt like it was back when I was still very young, despite appearing my current age and physical size in the dream. My grandmother and I went for a walk. At places I can assume is shopping malls. There was someone else besides us, but I had absolutely no idea who he was and wat he was doing with us. The final moments with my grandmother was heart wrenching. When we're about to separate(the setting of the dream was that I'm leaving her to get on a plane), I asked her where she is currently. She told me she was in hell. I was very shocked and I guess she didn't want me to worry and continued to explain herself that she was in the '平民区' of hell. (For those who have no idea what it means, its just a designated area/town/country in hell that inhabited spirits whose merits and demerits balanced out therefore they could neither go heaven/or Buddhalands nor are they subjected to punishment in hell, so they stay in the netherworld's 平民区 which is very much like our human realm environment.) I was heartbroken and while being walked up the plane by the unknown companion, I was wailing like a baby and cried out loudly to my grandmother these very words, "我一定会修行成就来救你".

When I woke from my dreams, I started to cry. Silently. Mother was outside in the living room and I don't wish to let her get distressed over my crying and lest know I had a dream about my late grandmother. The last time she had a dream about my grandmother she cried for a good half hour and called all my aunts to tell them about it, only to cry more while relating the dream to them. Thought of the times my grandmother used to wait for me to wake up so she can go eat breakfast with me. Thought of the times my grandmother used to hold my hands while we cross the traffic light. Thought of the times my grandmother used to walk with me........................
And I was thanking the unknown companion with us in the dream. For I realised he's one of the 鬼神 either protecting me while bringing me to see my grandmother or escorting my grandmother to visit me for the very first time since she passed away.................

*****************************************

The time now is 2.52am. And I still can't feel any sleepiness creeping up to me. I had, been going around town for half the day, with the exception for the couple of hours I was having my early dinner while reading my just bought novel. First I had went down to Orchard Borders to look for some books, then followed by Kinokuniya. Then back to Borders again to buy one of the books, and back to Kino to get my own book. Went to funan for an early subway dinner, read my novel until i got struck with a realisation(to prepare a gift for a friend I treasure). Then walked over to the Times Bookstore opposite to find yet another book, then walked to Suntec City Harris Bookstore, Marina Square Times, Citylink MPH, Raffles City MPH, Bugis Junction Kino(detoured to Bras Besar Popular along the way only to find its closed for the day), and finally taking mrt to Vivocity and finally found the title I'm looking for at PageOne. Ended up I decided to get the book on another day cause I needed to work out my idea for that gift, but at least I know where I can find that book. I can hardly express my fatique my physical body is feeling, especially after walking for so long, but still its just not making me sleepy enough to sleep at an earlier time.

*****************************************

我的感觉
像小说忽然写到结局那一页
我不愿承认缘份已肠思枯竭
逼迫自己时光倒回
要美梦永远远离心碎

It doesn't help that I haven't spoken to her in person for more than a month, haven't msn her for more than 3 months, haven't sms her for more then 3 weeks.
I even stopped looking at her facebook profile on a daily basis hoping for any updates from her.
I still like her a lot. Immensely. Insanely. Inimitably. A lot.

However, amidst the strong feelings towards her, there's also the underlying massive dismay and dreadful disappointment felt.

Sijie was the first girl I officially liked and woo and there was close contact between us(before the rejection that is). Huiling and I were close enough, especially during the periods she confided in me with all her problems she was facing in her jc and class(until she got attached and I confessed to her too late). Huili mei and I was close, as cyber siblings which was a result of a horrible pathetic attempt of getting close to her, until a freak accident with the Telco ended up with her waking up to more than 50sms and our kor-mei friendship ended abruptly. Sining nuer, Khaiqing, Xianning, at least I can say we chatted often enough to become friends(until my feelings made it awkward to everyone). Claire almost being the closest female friend I can have, and since then, Eileen being the first girl I'm closest with for the past ten years.

I am never as close to her as any of the girls mentioned above before!!!

I couldn't hold a lasting conversation with her in real person. Even chatting in msn which started out well in the past has now been reduced to a couple of lines and then silence. No, scrap that, she's so seldom online and even on the rare occasion that she is, I couldn't even find a topic to start the conversation on.

All its been reduced to looking at her update her photo albums in facebook depicting her having outings with her SIM classmates and all.
And me lamenting why on earth I had to know her through the temple, and no through workplace, or school, or some other places where we could have common friends with the same age group and with the same interests or similiar backgrounds.

I guess part of my insonmia comes from this.




Its 3.35am on the clock. I guess I can go lie down and maybe I'll float to sleep.
Even though I'm still not feeling sleepy.



我除了你 我除了疯 我没有后悔
我一哭全世界为我落泪
在冷得没有你的孤绝
我闭上双眼用泪去感觉
你的包围

A small late night chatter between blogs

思绪不断阻挡着回忆播放
盲目的追寻仍然空空荡荡
灰蒙蒙的夜晚睡意又不知躲到哪去
一转身孤单已躺在身旁

---------------------------------------------------

just the other day i went to look at the list of posts in my old blog. and discovered that while it had been updated with the various everyday life incidents and thoughts i had since 2003, there was some posts which i drafted but never posted them up at all, despite having decided to blog them down and post it on my blog. I guess i just gave up on it coz no one was reading my blog then, not that i do want ppl to read it, still, i wanted some ppl to read those 3 particular posts.

that 3 post that speaks a lot of my.........well. love life. the 1st half of my love life. sort of. in summary.

given my personality and character(and after that incident in pri sch which scarred me with the harsh reality of girl-reject- guy-and-guy-screw-himself-up-with-stupidity-actions), it would have been miraculous that i managed to noe some girls despite going to a boys' school.

i found out that miracles do happen on earth.

however, the miracle ended up being perfect ingredients for a destined path of self destruction for me. due to mis-informed information, self-delusions and highly fairy-taled fantasy thoughts, i ended up becoming one of the most pathetic homosapien in dealing with the opposite sex.


********************************************

it had really occured to me that i could never ever interact with a girl ard my age the normal way other guys are enjoying. to them its natural. its part of their lives. its just a social norm. to me its a fairy tale.

thus refering back to some posts back in this new blog. i was really very surprised(pleasantly) and happy that i finally met a gal i can be myself. and interact quite well(given my standards) with her and around her. well, despite having a poor and rather, horrendous beginning.

last week, after a couple of meeting ups with Eileen. i came home and suddenly wondered when was the last time i had been on a 'close' relations with a girl like me and Eileen now. yes, i noe its nowhere near to close, but given my past records, its like a freaking Guiness World Record being broken since eons. Anyway i've digressed. One gal floated into my mind.

the girl who really could have been a very close and good frend to me. whom i met in cjc. Claire Tan Shujuan. a nice, bubbly gal. i guess she was the closest to being wat i can call a female buddy to me then. despite being in different class, and knowing her thru my sec sch frends, i was more closer to her than with anyone else in my class, heck, the whole school. and there was this period of time i considered wooing her. but out of consideration of my frend who's attracted to her, i willingly drop out of the 'race'. well, ended up she got hitched with another classmate of hers, and since i got this damn weird notion that i musn't get close with gals who are attached, therefore i gotten myself distant from her. well. so ends the potential close female frendship i have, and thus scoring zero on the total counts of female close frends i have.


********************************************

Should i repost the 3 drafts which was intended to be posted but never did?
i had them transfered over to the new blog though, saved as drafts.

Repost the story, so that i can finally get it over and done with.



Over and done with.


Ending the past chapter once and for all.

Turn over the page and start with a blank page.

For a new chapter.

With a different ending to the chapter.


---------------------------------------------------

想回到过去
试着抱你在怀里
羞怯的脸带有一点稚气
想看你的看的世界
想在你梦的画面
只要靠在一起就能感觉甜蜜
想回到过去
试着让故事继续
至少不再让你离我而去
分散时间的注意
这次会抱得更紧
这样挽留不知还来不来得及
想回到过去

久违了的困惑。是迷茫？是愚痴？还是.........

跟大夥儿去看transformers 2 : revenge of the fallen.
这部片还蛮不错的。只不过我仍然无法接受电影制作单位把我从小异常喜欢的transformers的造型改得“面目全非”。

今天忽然觉得不对劲。是心理？是生理？我不知道。不过好像被Eileen发现了。不过也难怪，她的观察能力还是非常的锐利。我也没有特别隐藏(虽然是有装做那些只是我平时的怪动作之一)。虽然有点不可能，不过也许让她担心了？我想我得找个机会向她道歉吧。

陪他们走到plaza sing的停车场，就跟他们道别了。大概我知道我不能在装下去了吧。还好呢，刚走不了几步就差点想呕吐出来。从plaza sing走了出来，马上对准自己的心狠狠地打了一拳。好像比较好了。看来应该是那些锁在我灵魂深处不能浮现的。。。。。。。

*******************************************

在回家了路上，摸着右腿里的那两粒肉块。跟去年比起来好像又更近了。不知道几年后会不会合成一粒肉块。希望不会是肿瘤，不是恶性肿瘤。。。。

*******************************************

这些日子来，遇到了一些人，谈过了某些事。虽然表面上看似满不在乎，不过有些话还是能让我思潮起伏。仿佛一片大海被强风掀起了滔滔大浪。天啊，我真的不配说自己是佛教徒，更不能说是修习禅定的。真是个失败的人啊。。

心中真的有很多很多的思维。但是不知真该从何说起。也有很多很多不能说出来的话。对她，还有她。绝对不能说的。

或许今天我就用这首歌的部分歌词来表达一些我不敢在生活中表达的一些情感。因为怕她们会发现。。。。。

一首很好听的歌，也是我从其中一个她msn那里认识的歌。

林峰 & 泳儿 - 明天以后


你拯救我的寂寞我的痛我的梦
在你的面前我不必保留 还来不及对你说 迟到的我的心动

我不要你离开我

我对你感觉胜过爱情
因为有你给我勇气给我用不完的运气 其实也想好好爱你
我不怕会伤心
对不起我对你再好再亲密都不能在一起
最后看你在别人怀里 我并不是你的唯一
还微笑祝福你

爱情总让人折磨 所以我们才选择 做比情人更好的朋友

我对你感觉胜过爱情。。。
我对你感觉胜过爱情。。。。。
我对你感觉胜过爱情。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。

*******************************************

我对她/她，到底感觉如何？

Project Makeover

I dunno wat i have done in my past life to deserve this.

Eileen and Ewan finally decided to help me with a makeover. not just any simple makeover. a great, massive overhual.
It all started with a simple dinner outing last tues.

Went to Kallang to buy my stuff from the 'Figurine' shop. gave Eileen a very nice bakerzin cheesecake which i thought she will like when i 1st tried it the prev sunday. to sort of like cheer her up and make her lighten up. luckily my guess was good. she did like that type of cheesecake and enjoyed it much. then she asked if i wanna join her and ewan for dinner and i said ok.

waited for her to knock off. ewan drove us to siglap area to eat. then sit at starbucks to chit chat. till today i have no idea how it did, but the topic turned to me. Eileen asked whether i'm worried at my age, coz i've never had a relationship b4, that i'll get married. blah blah blah. then the conversation steered towards me needed a makeover. and they got pretty excited abt it.
so there. in brief, that's how i got myself 2 very nice frends who offered to be my makeover consultant for free.

last sat we went for the 1st session. trimming my eyebrows. Eileen insisted that my eyebrows needed trimming coz there's too much stray grass. Well, personally i dun really see much fault with my eyebrows initially. i've seen worse. serious. but after gotten my eyebrows being plucked, i did find it looks neater and...more..refined. (my mother commented the ends are too thin, making the eyebrows have a feminine feel to it)

I'm contemplating whether i should upload any photos. but i did upload photos we camwhored taken into facebook. maybe i just post the before and after pics.. =\

before


after



Anyway i really really wanna thank them.
esp Eileen.

You are not Truly Happy

crying in the crowd, u wish to turn to transparent color
u will never ever, dream or pain or heartache
u have decided, u have decided

u quietly endure, hold to yesterday tightly in ur fist
as memories get sweeter, they will hurt even more
the more ur hands will get lots and lots of deep and shallow knife wounds

u ain't really truly happy
ur smile is a protection u wear outside
u decide not to hate, nor ever fall in love
u have closed ur soul inside a locked forever body

the whole world has laughed
so u gregariously laugh along with them
when survival is the rule, but not of ur choice
therefore u aimlessly stumbling walked on with tears in ur eyes

u ain't really truly happy
ur smile is a protection u wear outside
u decide not to hate, nor ever fall in love
u have closed ur soul inside a locked forever body

u ain't really truly happy
ur wounds have never healed up completely
i'm standing beside u, feels like at ends of the world
do we have to live with regrets until we are old
and regret in the end

u deserve true happiness
u should remove the protection that u wore
y must u have lose it and get punished for it
can u let all the sufferings end here right now
relive ur life again~!

************************************************************

Quiet

left only piano company me for a day
and a sleeping cello, quiet quiet old old one.
i think u already show very clearly
i noe i acknowledge, there's nothing for u to bear
u say u're sad as well but i dun believe
hold to u company me is all but the past
hope he really does love u more than i do
i will then force myself to leave.

u want me say how ugly, i dun want to separate
y do i have to use a smile to get through
i never have the talent, allow u to accept him
do not have to worry much, i will live life properly

u have distanced urself far, i'll slowly walk away
y i've to accomodate u when we separate
i really dun have the talent, wun be so quick to quiet down
i will learn to let u go, that's coz i love u too much~