I sense a disturbance in the force...

Ok. I need help. Serious help.

Its been more than a week I can't sleep at night. Until its freaking late like 3+am at least. This is an alarming phenomenon. It wouldn't have mattered if I was out with frends and returned home at wee hours therefore explaining the fact I couldn't sleep earlier if I wanted to. However, another fact points out that I also couldn't sleep earlier despite being at home before 12. Am I having insomnia?? That is bad.

It doesn't help that I had a, I couldn't find the words, disturbing dream last night. After finally falling asleep after 3.20am, I dreamt of my late grandmother. It was so surreal. I know in dreams, things always look and feel so surreal, but amongst the surreal feel. There was also the familiarity and sense of comfort when I see my grandmother. I felt like it was back when I was still very young, despite appearing my current age and physical size in the dream. My grandmother and I went for a walk. At places I can assume is shopping malls. There was someone else besides us, but I had absolutely no idea who he was and wat he was doing with us. The final moments with my grandmother was heart wrenching. When we're about to separate(the setting of the dream was that I'm leaving her to get on a plane), I asked her where she is currently. She told me she was in hell. I was very shocked and I guess she didn't want me to worry and continued to explain herself that she was in the '平民区' of hell. (For those who have no idea what it means, its just a designated area/town/country in hell that inhabited spirits whose merits and demerits balanced out therefore they could neither go heaven/or Buddhalands nor are they subjected to punishment in hell, so they stay in the netherworld's 平民区 which is very much like our human realm environment.) I was heartbroken and while being walked up the plane by the unknown companion, I was wailing like a baby and cried out loudly to my grandmother these very words, "我一定会修行成就来救你".

When I woke from my dreams, I started to cry. Silently. Mother was outside in the living room and I don't wish to let her get distressed over my crying and lest know I had a dream about my late grandmother. The last time she had a dream about my grandmother she cried for a good half hour and called all my aunts to tell them about it, only to cry more while relating the dream to them. Thought of the times my grandmother used to wait for me to wake up so she can go eat breakfast with me. Thought of the times my grandmother used to hold my hands while we cross the traffic light. Thought of the times my grandmother used to walk with me........................
And I was thanking the unknown companion with us in the dream. For I realised he's one of the 鬼神 either protecting me while bringing me to see my grandmother or escorting my grandmother to visit me for the very first time since she passed away.................

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The time now is 2.52am. And I still can't feel any sleepiness creeping up to me. I had, been going around town for half the day, with the exception for the couple of hours I was having my early dinner while reading my just bought novel. First I had went down to Orchard Borders to look for some books, then followed by Kinokuniya. Then back to Borders again to buy one of the books, and back to Kino to get my own book. Went to funan for an early subway dinner, read my novel until i got struck with a realisation(to prepare a gift for a friend I treasure). Then walked over to the Times Bookstore opposite to find yet another book, then walked to Suntec City Harris Bookstore, Marina Square Times, Citylink MPH, Raffles City MPH, Bugis Junction Kino(detoured to Bras Besar Popular along the way only to find its closed for the day), and finally taking mrt to Vivocity and finally found the title I'm looking for at PageOne. Ended up I decided to get the book on another day cause I needed to work out my idea for that gift, but at least I know where I can find that book. I can hardly express my fatique my physical body is feeling, especially after walking for so long, but still its just not making me sleepy enough to sleep at an earlier time.

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我的感觉
像小说忽然写到结局那一页
我不愿承认缘份已肠思枯竭
逼迫自己时光倒回
要美梦永远远离心碎

It doesn't help that I haven't spoken to her in person for more than a month, haven't msn her for more than 3 months, haven't sms her for more then 3 weeks.
I even stopped looking at her facebook profile on a daily basis hoping for any updates from her.
I still like her a lot. Immensely. Insanely. Inimitably. A lot.

However, amidst the strong feelings towards her, there's also the underlying massive dismay and dreadful disappointment felt.

Sijie was the first girl I officially liked and woo and there was close contact between us(before the rejection that is). Huiling and I were close enough, especially during the periods she confided in me with all her problems she was facing in her jc and class(until she got attached and I confessed to her too late). Huili mei and I was close, as cyber siblings which was a result of a horrible pathetic attempt of getting close to her, until a freak accident with the Telco ended up with her waking up to more than 50sms and our kor-mei friendship ended abruptly. Sining nuer, Khaiqing, Xianning, at least I can say we chatted often enough to become friends(until my feelings made it awkward to everyone). Claire almost being the closest female friend I can have, and since then, Eileen being the first girl I'm closest with for the past ten years.

I am never as close to her as any of the girls mentioned above before!!!

I couldn't hold a lasting conversation with her in real person. Even chatting in msn which started out well in the past has now been reduced to a couple of lines and then silence. No, scrap that, she's so seldom online and even on the rare occasion that she is, I couldn't even find a topic to start the conversation on.

All its been reduced to looking at her update her photo albums in facebook depicting her having outings with her SIM classmates and all.
And me lamenting why on earth I had to know her through the temple, and no through workplace, or school, or some other places where we could have common friends with the same age group and with the same interests or similiar backgrounds.

I guess part of my insonmia comes from this.




Its 3.35am on the clock. I guess I can go lie down and maybe I'll float to sleep.
Even though I'm still not feeling sleepy.



我除了你 我除了疯 我没有后悔
我一哭全世界为我落泪
在冷得没有你的孤绝
我闭上双眼用泪去感觉
你的包围