你不是真正的快乐.......

从星期天起，我的心情似乎。。。不太好。

今天好像越来越不对。内心深处涌出来那阵熟悉的感觉，怎么说呢。。。就是缠了我好多年的感觉。

是Penny吗？因为她明天就飞上海了。不可能，因为我已经放下对她的感情了。。。
或许。。可能是。。。。

希望这种感觉只是短暂的。。。

********************

还是有点茫然。已经有一个目标已经明确了，不过还剩下许许多多的后尾还没考虑跟策划。

别管那么多了。。。先把能做的做好。剩下的问领导人吧。

********************

很意外的，上facebook看到了Fanni在facebook上post的东东。我相信她一定能做到的。因为我真的很希望她能成功。

那么，我呢？唉。。。。。



今天听的一首歌，讽刺性的正好反映出我这两天的感受。

---------------------

人群中哭着
你只想变成透明的颜色
你再也不会梦或痛或心动了
你已经决定了你已经决定了
你静静忍着
紧紧把昨天在拳心 握着
而回忆越是甜就是越伤人了
越是在手心留下
密密麻麻深深浅浅的刀割

你不是真正的快乐
你的笑只是你穿的保护色
你决定不恨了也决定不爱了
把你的灵魂关 在永远锁上的躯壳

这世界笑了
于是你合群的一起笑了
当生存是规则不是你的选择
于是你含着眼泪
飘飘荡荡跌跌 撞撞的走着
 

你不是真正的快乐
你的笑只是你穿的保护色
你决定不恨了也 决定不爱了
把你的灵魂关在永远锁上的躯壳
你不是真正的快乐
你的伤从 不肯完全的愈合
我站在你左侧却像隔着银河
难道就真的抱着遗憾一直到老了
然后才后悔着
你不是真正的快乐
你 的笑只是你穿的保护色
你决定不恨了也决定不爱了
把你的灵魂关在永远锁上的躯壳你不是真正的快乐
你的伤从不肯完全的愈合
我 站在你左侧却像隔着银河
难道就真的抱着遗憾一直到老了
 

你值得真正的快乐
你应该脱下你穿的保护色
为什么失去了还要被惩罚呢
能 不能就让悲伤全部结束在此刻
重新开始活着

五月天 - 你不是真正的快乐..................................................

短暂

都好忙，不过这些日子过得很愉快。

After finishing my duty at the temple, I sense a feeling of yearning. Immediately I know why.
我的心已经飞回到JB，飞到Java Permas，飞到百万会场，飞到中心里认识的所有兄弟姐妹，飞到了。。。。。

对不起 刚才我是不是听错 还是我想太多想到了昏头
天气不错 开了窗 吹散脸红 

I know that I have changed a lot. In a short period of time. I guess not even Eileen they all have seen this side of me. Well, have lar, just not so much, so extended till the point whereby nobody ever suspected I had a bout of 7years of depression and still sliding in and out of slight depression every now and then.

Environment is really very important.

进一步 退一步 都害怕打破 更不想在原地永远做朋友
给你线索也给我勇敢借口
下定决心沉默 就让沉默为我们追究
你和我 这一刻 不想到而交流 却突然震耳欲聋

Still, there's something inside me that makes me reluctant to open one particular side of me again. A little bit worried, a little bit scared. But the way I see things go, I guess its just a matter of time before I will morph back into a butterfly, breaking free of the cocoon which binds my heart.

一字一句一瞬间 走了火 
一天一点一转眼 入了魔 
忘了我从什么时候
忘了你为什么能够让我一步一步走火入魔 

我发觉我看着某个人的眼神变了。眼神变成了很柔，很柔。这也是我这十多年来心里一直很怕的。因为我每次都会被伤害。虽然已经被痛楚麻痹了，可是仍然不想再次感受到同样的事。不过我很想，很想超越自己，让我轰轰烈烈的干上一场吧! 至少战死沙场，我能够说我“死”的像个男人，而不是像以前，还没开战就被瘫痪了。

一直在想一直揣摩一直到你变成甜蜜的心痛
如果可以 把如果变成结果
下定决心执着 就让执着为我们突破
我和你的小说 这时候出现烟火 让情节充满感动

敢爱敢恨，这才是当年的我。当年那个傲视人群的我。不过我不会恨，我只会去爱。

一字一句一瞬间 走了火 
一天一点一转眼 入了魔 
忘了我从什么时候
忘了你为什么能够让我一步一步走火入魔  

Fight on, fight on. Fight for my future, fight for my freedom. Fight for my persuit of perfection. My battle has just begun...

一字一句一瞬间 走了火 
一天一点一转眼 入了魔
如果你有相同感受 感受到有一种突然的冲动
放肆一次 走火入魔

3 years from now. That's my long term target.

I also hope Fanni can reach her goal in less than 3 yrs too. So as for everyone else in the centre, Singapore and JB. 加油~

走火入魔 阿信&丁当

重生。。。。

好久没有blog了。看着以前的文章，仿佛是很久很久以前的事了。。。尽管只过了4个月。

是Fanni跟Ginny吧，那天用手机给她们看我改词的歌。才想起了我很久没有blog了。


偏巧正好要跟Fanni说怎么blog，就进来说说话吧。


这4个月。很多很多事。很多很多时间。很多很多感想。很多很多改变。

怎么说呢。。。。。。？ 也许这一个月来，是我生命中另一个起点吧。
把过去的放下。。。

开始我生命中另一段阶段。

现写到这里吧。都2点了。还有一些事还没作好呢。

明天一定会因不够睡变成行尸走肉。

各位，晚安。

体内正邪交战。

我亦失控了几次。


魔心渐盛，而浩然正气慢慢地越渐淡薄。

唯有一法。。。

我将把自己所有的感情跟一切喜怒哀乐抹杀掉。

成为一个行尸走肉。



因为我不想做出伤害她的事。


成为那个认识她之前那样。。。。一个封闭自己、毫无感情的行尸走肉。

这样，我，才不会做出任何伤害她的事。


不会做出伤害她的事。



绝对不会伤害她。

心中的魔性大发。


以往是因为对某个女孩子的情，就是以那份水不能息、风不能灭的火热感情。所以我一直能够把它封锁在灵魂的最深处。



可是现在。。。

*
*
*


如今我真的怕我压抑不住它。






‘我’会死吗？

Even though its Chinese New Year, I do not feel any festive cheer/feeling anymore since some years ago. Chinese New Year had lost its novelty and just feels like a longer holiday to me only.

This year, its worse.

The Pandoras' Box had opened since, and hope, as in the story, was the only thing that has never emerged from the Pandoras' Box, only all vices of men.

I began hating again. Hating a lot of things. Hating people. Hatred has come back to my life.

Darkness had seeped through the seal and engulfed about a quarter of my heart and soul.

I fought, but the tiredness, is getting the upper hand........


*****************

Had been dreaming of a particular person for the past few days. 5? 6? I cannot remember. All I do know, every night, she is in my dreams.

None of the dreams are of any solace to me, my soul, my emotions.

All the dreams are of mockery, mocking me that even in my dreams, I'm forced to live through my greatest fear and misery.

In the past, my dreams occasionally did give me a nice dream abt the girl I liked then. But my dreams now, reflects all the fears and hatred I face in real life. I had never feared sleeping, because I could have the chance to be with someone I liked, even if its just a dream, the feeling was still so real, and I was so happy in those dreams. That is why throughout all the years of which I've had depression, I never had the symptoms of insomnia. In fact, I slept more than I should. Because, its the only place I can seek my happiness in.

But now...........................

连梦里，我也将会失去自我，我会失去她，接着，我也一定会失去自己，成为魔的食物.........

*****************

其实魔，并不是很可怕的。魔呢，其实分很多种的魔。有天魔，五蕴魔，心魔，幻魔等等。很多很多的魔。

我呢？当年的我，入魔的情况，我把它称为情魔。

为情所绑，为情所困，为情而苦，为情牺牲，被情出卖，被情折磨。。。
最后入魔。



其实，世上有多少人能够知道？有多少人能够明白？

一个入魔的人，其实是个非常可怜的人。


想想看。有人会自愿入魔吗？为什么会有人陷入魔的世界呢？

如果不是因为失去了依靠，失去了生活意义，失去了对他重要的。。。

不管是什么原因，能够把人逼到成魔的， 那个人，真的是很可怜的人。


因为我经历过，所以能体会。魔，真的是很可怜。

无奈。。。

*****************

A couple of weeks before the Pandoras' Box was opened, I saw Kangming put the following line as his facebook status.

"好人好报的时代过去了"

The comment I gave?

"的确是啊! 的确是。我看好人都会早死的。。。你们别为我难过啊" 

And this is his reply...

"好人好报的时代虽然过去了；物，也未必因稀而贵。它的存与活可能靠的就是信念，加上丝许的浪漫天真吧。"



I do not consider myself a saint. But I do know that I am a good person. Its not that I'm not modest. Its not that I'm being thickskin. I do know myself that I will not harm anyone, and that I will try to help whoever I can whenever he/she needs the help.

Why am I the good person I am till now?
I really do not know.

I used to think that being good has its rewards. Not that the rewards are important. I feel that its important that we do not harm anyone at all. Why should we? What will we gain from harming others? My conscience will prick me. I do not understand those people, how they can 把自己的快乐建立在别人的痛苦上. Don't they feel guilt? What if it happened to them? Will they still feel as happy if it happened to them instead? So why did they do it?

信念。做好人真的需要坚定不移的信念。这是不可否认的。

丝许的浪漫天真？也对。如果不天真，根本很难做个好人。如果不浪漫，你也不会觉得好人是很难得的。

So imagine the irony, that in my previous post, I mentioned that 好人有好报这句话，在我身上是最大的谎言。

可能Kangming说的对吧，好人好报的时代真的过去了。

 *****************


So. I think I will not be sleeping before 4 or 5am again tonight.

Because I'm afraid.


Afraid of seeing someone in my dreams.

Afraid of what I may see in my dreams.

Damn the COH map. I'm not going to play that map with them again at late nights. Freaking 2 1/2 hrs just to clear it. No more.


Wanted to blog about some things, but I'll wait till tomorrow.

*****************

越来越想你。我知道我不应该的。我知道我没机会的。我知道我。。。

说真的，如果真的爱上了一个人。你就是爱着那个人了。
即使怎么勉强，怎么改变，怎么自我催眠，爱最终还是剩下爱。


自从那天起，我已经没有在听歌了。因为歌，是会触动到我内心的。一定会的。所以我以前在伤心时很少听歌。为了就是不想让情绪失控。

不过，情绪虽然受到控制，但心中的感觉是不会变的。

*****************

Pangs of regrets are coming back. They always come back. Regrets about Sijie. Regrets about Huiling. Regrets about Penny. Regrets about ...... .


11 years ago, I lost control of myself and turned to the darkness. I filled my soul with darkness and let it hold reins over me. But I realised I was going to cause harm to her. So I tore the darkness away and sealed it deep within myself. Which is probably the reason why I seem to be mis-balanced as a person. 90% goodness and 10% darkness. Sometimes more darkness leaked through the seal. But I've always managed to keep the seal there and intact.




The Pandoras' Box has opened. One of my fears in my current life. Came true.

And the seal is waning. I'm afraid, I may not be able to hold the seal intact. Should I ever turn back into darkness, I shall not let myself cause any harm or hurt to you. Because I will definitely regret it for eternity.

*****************


I have no idea what I was trying to put across. Because its all so abstract. Yet,  there's no other way I can put it. I hope I can keep everything under control.

Hatred, Darkness, Loath, Despair.....................

The very ingredients that tear your soul apart and make you do things that you will regret for life.

因为曾经试过，所以才知道它们的可怕。


Those who knew me in primary school and secondary school would probably never have expected it. 我竟然曾经因为情而进入魔道。

The upright, honorable, righteous and goody two shoes Jupiter Seow YuanSheng. Had once turned to the Dark because of Love.


Life is just so ironic.

And spastic.


And likes to play cruel jokes on you.


Especially likes to make you relive history which you have always feared the most.

*****************


Right, I have no idea why I typed all these and so much stuff tonight. Wanted to just put in a couple of words and then go lie on my bed and waited until my insomnia wears out at 5am so I can sleep.

The things I wanted to blog about, I'll blog them tomorrow bah.


I can't stop myself thinking of you


----------------------

深夜万物皆沉静，寂寂无声触真情。思念一生无穷尽，愿你有个幸福命。 

 -- 《静夜思》by 木星


********************

其实，那时候我写出我这一生第六个最大的遗憾时，就不知觉地让我想起了我第五个最大的遗憾。




我，不是那个让她心动的人。


********************


如果还有下一世，我一定还会爱上同一个人的。


因为我前世欠她太多了。。。。。。


********************

一切都结束了。


其实也不是结束。因为根本没有开始。


真确的说法应该是。。。。一切都无所谓了。


<孟子> - 天将降大任于斯人也，必先苦其心志，劳其筋骨，饿其体肤，空乏其身，行拂乱其所为，所以动心忍性，增益其所不能。

老天爷，你这几个星期给我的考验， 你是不是想我死啊？如果我这一死的话我来到这世上的任务都没做就回老家了。也许连天上都去不了，更别说是摩诃双莲池了。


天上界。希望大家都能回去吧。毕竟从很久很久以前是在天上认识的。 所以我今生才会有你，你，你，她，她，他，还有一些朋友的因果牵缠的关系。

转入正题。今天。有些改变。

好了。就说到这里。

我也该走了。星星在等这我呢。

They always say you will feel better after crying it out.


刚刚在佛菩萨面前哭了一阵。其实也不算哭吧。毕竟没有眼泪，怎么算是哭呢？
泪水往心里流罢了。这不是哭吧。


That's why I never feel better.
Because I swallowed everything back in.

心里流泪。心中流血。哪个比较痛呢？

---------------------------


4.20am. 我又失眠了。也好。这样我可能会早死。我的内力已经所剩无几，已经没得补回元气。生命力开始减弱了。

---------------------------

从来没有对任何人说过，其实我想过写一部小说。一部现代背景的武侠小说。主角是一个百年难见的一个不世奇才。 年纪轻轻就成了天下武林神话之一的人物。哈哈。很好笑吧。其实这小说已经在我的心里酝酿了10年了。只是没有把它写出来。因为它只是一个让我能够在里面成为梦想成真的世界。

主角10岁习武，1年内练成了能纵横武林的一套武功。行侠仗义，救了不少人，帮了不少事。成为武林中正义的代表。也成了武林中的神话。可是15岁那年，神话因为爱情而隐退武林，从此在武林中消声匿迹。不过因为找到了真正爱着的女孩子而暗中保护着她。最后为了她重出武林，锋芒再露。

你知道吗？这个主角神话啊，他最厉害的地方是什么吗？不是他所练成了无上的内功心法，也不是他身负十几种一一能够纵横天下的武功。而是他是个至情至性的人。所有的武功都是他内心有感而发的。爱情相传是天下间最伟大最强的力量。他，就是从爱情中得到无敌的力量。

可惜，因为他为了能和心爱的人过普通人的生活，他隐退武林，隐瞒了他在武林中至高无上的地位，成了一个普通的人。可惜，10年的普通生活，他看到他所爱的人一一地爱上其他男生。心里所受的创伤越来越多。武功也出现了越大的缺陷。人，也越来越消沉，绝望。尽管他在心爱的人面前总是那样坚强，但是他的内心世界已经是一座废墟了。

所以，你觉得，我应该不应该让这个主角死去？伤心欲绝，走火入魔而死。 这部小说也就在这里结束。


我，应该不应该让这位盖世英雄死去？

---------------------------

Tonight I remembered about Huiling. How I advised her to go ahead with her feelings and try to give her classmate a chance. Even though I really liked her then. 大笨蛋一个？还是烂好人一个？Ended up she got together with him, 1 month before I reveal my feelings to Huiling. I became a walking zombie for several months. In fact, that very day she told me, I seem to turn into a body with no soul inside. If L4D was created that time, I would most probably be shot dead the moment I parted with Huiling. Boon can vouch for it. I was really a walking zombie that day.

2 years ago, the same thing happened again. Not to the same girl, but Penny. Yes, I'm not so close to Penny as to suddenly discuss personal stuff with her, but when she mentioned she was interested in this classmate. My inner world crumbled like a cookie. As again, being the Mr Nice guy I am, I never really bad mouth that guy, cause I only met him for a night, and frankly speaking, I do not dislike/hate anyone at all to badmouth them.

Then......................



能令一个人伤得最深，伤的最痛，伤得最苦，往往是他爱得最深，爱得最切的人。。。




Nothing wrong with being honorable? But Penny didn't know I liked her then. So, I guess its my own grave I dug. As for Huiling. Well, 好人有好报这句话，在我身上是最明显的一句谎言。And then........and then.......

真情。是我这一生中最大的弱点。

对人付出的真情，最后换来的就是一句傻瓜。

---------------------------


“我很普通，我没什么特别。我只是一个呆呆的傻瓜。我不会说甜言蜜语。我不太会弄你笑。我其实知道，我不能给你保证你要的。不能保证给你很舒服的生活。不能保证给你一个让人羡慕的人生。可是，我绝对可以向你保证的是：我，绝对是你生命中让你受伤最少的人。我，绝对不会做出伤害你的事。因为我，是个绝对不要看到你伤心难过的人。”

"I cannot promise you many things. But one thing I can promise you, always, that I will definitely be the one person in your life who will hurt you the least. That I will never ever do anything to hurt you. Because I never ever want to see you unhappy and sad." *Crosses my heart*


这句话，是我埋藏在心里了一段时间的一个不能说的秘密。

I cannot open the Pandora's Box.

---------------------------

 Time is 5.15am. Insomnia. Yup. Again. But this time, I know.

睡不着，也许是因为想念你

目送你离开

有无限感慨

对你的思念

永远不会更改

花若不再开

夜将会无奈

若是没有你的爱

我会日夜期待

*********************

A quiet night. Perfect for lonely souls. For thoughts. Lots of thoughts.

当思念成了一种习惯。。。。

Since a long long time ago, it has become habitual for me. To be thinking of someone every night. Since as long as I can remember. Sijie, Huiling, .......... , Karen, Penny.. ...... .. Tonight is also no exception.

Do you know I'm missing you tonight???

--------------------------

I used to create little bits of literal works for the girl I like. Short poems, in English and Chinese. But I realised that I have stopped doing that for the past 3 years. Because its not appreciated. Is it? No, I guess not. Even if its not, I would still continue writing them. I guess its because my heart has slowly deaden, till the point that I cannot create any works from the heart. No more heartfelt words, no more heartfelt lines. All because the heart has gone numbed in the freezing cold of the winter gale.

That's why a couple of months back. I was surprised that I could just create my own lyrics using the song melody of Fish Leong's 情歌. I have never learn to create melodies, which really needs talents and training, but lyrics wise, I have enough confidence that I'm able to write them into a song, albeit with mistakes(as pointed out by Eileen). It didn't take long for me. Basically because the first stanza is actually written based on a dream I had that previous night, no. A nightmare to be precise, seeing someone getting married to another.

So once the first stanza came out, the rest is easy. All I did was to re-enact what will happen after that dream in my mind, and it all comes out. Composed the whole lyrics in less than half an hour, spare another 20 minutes for refining the sentence structure and choosing of certain words.

Don't ask me why I had chosen Fish Leong's 情歌 melody as a base for my new lyrics. This secret is one of the many I will bring into my grave.

--------------------------

Life is fragile.  Everything is so transient. I am not sounding pessimistic here. Just stating a fact. The only constant in the whole universe is changes. Our thoughts change every split second. Our feelings change. Our emotions change. Our cells change. Nothing, stays unchanged forever.

Live for the moment. The past has past. The future is not even here. We should only live at each current moment. That's is why it is called the 'Present'.

Yet, I'm still being tied by the past. Restricted by the future. Even the present, I do not find much strength to live in. Strength and energy has been sapped by everything around me. Even as I type, the very few pillars holding me up are trembling and crackling under the strain..........

Have you ever thought about what your pillars of support are??

Mine?? Parents, Love, Friends, Religion. That's it. 4 pillars holding me up right now.

Parents, don't need to say. This pillar will always be standing while my parents are still alive.
Friends. Has been eroded quite badly by acid rain. But its still up and strong. I still have my close friends, and some friends whom I know are truly worth knowing and trusting.
Religion. This shall be the only 1 true pillar that can support me when all else has collapse. At least I can be very certain that, (to put it in a very blunt and not-very-respectful way), at least statues of wood, clay and bronze will never have any intention to harm and hurt and betray me.
Love. Sigh. The pillar, which I have used up countless tonnes of cement, countless time and energy rebuilding, reconstructing and patching so that it will not collapse completely.

What about you? What are your pillars holding you up in your life??

--------------------------

Tonight, I'm thinking of you more than usual.

Not a good sign.

And as expected, yes, I'm having insomnia again tonight. Lol. Look at the time, its 5 mins to 3am.

当你孤单你会想起谁?
*我知道你不会想我，可是我想的人一定是你*
Sigh.

*********************

想你的心  想你的人 

想你在早晨 想你在黄昏

我无时无刻 无心无魂地想你

我愿意忍 我是认真

对你的爱一天天地加深

哪怕结果会残害我一生

火热的心 水不熄风吹不冷

只希望能 和你共度一生

本来想早一点睡的。可是还是睡不着。

--------------------------

这几天想了一些事。我发现我真的坚强了很多。真的很多。可能是这几个星期发生的事让我无意间变得坚强起来了吧。

Shall I be happy or shall I be sad about that??

我不知道。心情很复杂。真的。还是play it cool吧!至少我已经在play cool了。换成以前，我现在已经抓狂了。。。。。

--------------------------


唉，Eileen又不开心了。我还真是没用。不，应该说是无药可救。不应该问东问西有的没的，其实应该安慰她的。毕竟女孩子遇到这种事一定心里非常难过的。我竟然又做错了。。。


真的是苯猪一只。难怪至今没有女朋友。

希望她今晚能好好的睡觉吧。也希望不会那么严重吧! 可惜，这种事情我完全没有办法暗中帮忙的。毕竟我所知道的所有法术都没有弄这个的。

Sigh.


--------------------------

真的很好笑。昨天幸子姐姐带我去"问事"。在我家附近而已。我毕竟没有很多事情想问，因为我对人生中所求的东西不多。我是一个“清心寡欲”的仙人。哈哈哈! 开玩笑。不过世俗的事我的确不会追求得太多。所以就问了姻缘。其实也不是时候问的，因为我现阶段的生活是一团糟，怎么可能会有女孩子肯跟我在一起呢？

哪知道，他开口的第一句话竟然是 ：“你结婚了没有？”

Of course not! If not I ask you for my 姻缘 for what?!

他说我的姻缘其实已经在身边了。有没有搞错？！ 我的姻缘已经到了？！？！？ 安慰我还是寻我开心啊？！

“不会吧？我一点都不知道。”
 “嗯，有了。而且还是从7月(去年)就有了。”

呆若木鸡。难以致信。甚至是晴天霹雳。

“我真的没有注意到啊!”
“有的啦! 这几天就会知道了。”

呆若木鸡。难以致信。又来了一次的晴天霹雳。

。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。

其实这是在后面的。前面他马上就说我的命其实很顺，还问我到底在烦什么。
6月跟9月会犯小人。不要轻易相信人，不要随便做担保人。会有官非之难。
然后他又看了看，又说第二次，“你的命很不错的，你还在乱什么？”

无语。
所以之后我才决定问姻缘的。哪里知道竟然会出现这么一段插曲。


月老!红娘!你们在玩我吗？！我以前在天上的时候该不会是得罪过你们吧？！？！？！

/FACEPALM /WRIST ONE MILLION TIMES

--------------------------

Sigh. Still cannot sleep. Despite being exhausted.

I guess Eileen's gone to bed already. Hope she's not overly upset. =(
有点难过。

************************

For Eileen...............................

宁静的夏天
天空中繁星点点
心里头有些思念
思念着你的脸

我可以假装看不见
也可以偷偷的想念
直到让我摸到你那温暖的脸

知了也睡了
安心的睡了
在我心里面宁静的夏天

那是个宁静的夏天
你来到宁夏的那一天

知了也睡了
安心的睡了
在我心里面宁静的夏天~~~~~~~~~~

谎言。面具。虚假。

我发现啊。我越来越会说谎了。我越来越会带着假面具。我的表情变得越来越虚假。


我对自己撒谎已经到了超一流的境界。而间接导致我对某些我非常不愿意撒谎的人说假话。

我带着的面具，已经几乎完美到别人无法猜透我真正的内心世界 。

我那虚假的表情，已经让我无法从内心真正发出笑容出来。


早几年，我是绝对不会做出这些的。我一直认为。人与人相处，应该是坦然的、不隐藏的、肝胆相照的、心心相印的。

谁知。。。现在。。。。。。我已经和社会“同流合污”了。


没有办法啊! 这是必然的。否则，我已经会做出一定让我后悔、遗憾终生的事。绝对会的。就像我前几天写的。第xx个让我遗憾一生的事。

就套一句Eileen说过的话吧。"Because after all, some things are better left unsaid".




我看，今晚又是睡不着了。3个星期来的第11次。。。。。。。。。。。

Was that meant to let me know? That my concerns are unfounded?? Well, in any case, since you've put it that way, then I'll feel more at ease.



-------------------------

That day, after seeing Penny at temple a week ago, I finally manage to spot her online and chatted with her. Didn't chat for long. She left quite soon into the conversation. At least I managed to ask that her shoulder is indeed better. One more thing off my mind. She has gotten more prettier as the days pass. Almost everyone complimented how pretty she looked. Except me. Stupid piece of wooden blockhead.

-------------------------

Yesterday after temple went to eat dinner with god-sis and her mother. After which we walked around Chinatown looking at the CNY stuff. So many people. Then helped god-sis buy groceries and bring up to her house, and helped them change their lights. Then hear them talk about god-sis's late dad and NKF.
Sigh.
A person's passing do affect their loved ones for a long time.
They invited me for dinner at their house this coming saturday, and after that go walk 春到河畔 at Marina. At the very first instant, my first thought was whether Eileen and the other guys will be organising any outings or not, especially watching Imaginarium of Dr Pa-whatever his name is. I know whatever respond I give, I will definitely regret either one of them. So I accepted their invitation. At least I know, they need company, they need my company more than Eileen and the rest do. Especially since "god-sis" already said she treated me like a half brother le, I will feel very horrible if I reject them and open myself free for a "probably-wouldn't-even-invite-me outing" with the guys.

-------------------------

After 2 long games of COH with Boon and SJ, they suddenly asked if I'm free for dinner tomorrow. Wonder what's up. I hope we're not going to have yet more talks. Anyway gonna eat dinner with them at AMK, so yay! I can go buy Koi Cafe Bubble tea to drink before meeting them. Unfortunately, Boon cannot eat heaty food 'cause he's still recovering from sickness, no Popeye's Chicken. =( I guess its going to be the usual S11 again.

-------------------------

Oh yeah, my less than 2 year old viewsonic LCD monitor spoilt this morning. Sianz. Spent $250 to buy a new LG 21.5" LCD monitor. The colors and brilliance of the new monitor wow-ed me. Maybe the previous monitor was failing, that's why its colors and contrast become more dull as the days past. Still, my screen is now a bigger one, albeit only by 2.5 inches. Still looks wow. At least its not a ill-spent money.

-------------------------


内心千言万语，却不知该从何开始。

纵使知道要说些什么，我也应该会把一些话吞回肚子里吧。毕竟，我是一个会把心里话带进棺材的人。

-------------------------

Very envious of others. I still can't talk with eloquence to people. I can't even practice speaking, because no one wants to talk and chat with me anymore. Those who still does, are all much older and we chat on topics like current affairs, or religion, or.. .... .....  Nothing that can let me click with people around my age or younger than me. Working with people at least 10 years older than you when you're in your growing up years has a really adverse and horrible effect on you in years to come. I can no longer click with people around my age or younger than me. Only with people older than me. Much older than me.

/wrist /throat *jump mrt tracks*.

Even making jokes, I'm horrible at them. Often people misunderstood me, or they really take me serious when I'm joking. Do I really portray the image that I'm not one who also jokes? Now end up I don't even dare make a joke or crack something funny. Even if I do try it occasionally, I will just stop it abruptly after seeing the reactions on some people's face.



Stop being so judgemental on me. I'm changing. I'm doing my best. Its not that I do not want to change. I'm not given enough opportunity to. And I'm expected not to make any mistakes. I'm not complaining its harsh. Just treat me like a human with emotions and feelings. Keeping my feelings in check and hidden from you all doesn't mean I'm now made of stone. I still feel things inside.

-------------------------

Why did I even bother typing all these. Pui. No one cares anyway. Everyone for their own and so few people actually spare a thought for others. I wonder why am I one of those few idiots who contantly think of others and put myself in their shoes and so-ever-hard to think most of them in a good light(when obviously some don't even deserve it).

Listen to song...listen to songs. They are the very few things I can seek solace from in this mundane world.


***************************

因为在一千年以后
世界早已没有我
无法深情挽着你的手
亲吻着你额头
别等到一千年以后
所有人都遗忘了我
那是红色黄昏的沙漠
没有谁
解开缠了千年寂寞

Have you found a meaning in your life?


Yesterday with Eileen and the guys, certain topics struck.

Today having dinner with some of the temple committee and the topic of who's getting married etc comes out.

There it goes.

What is the meaning in your life when you do this. Or when you embark on a different path of your life. Yadah yadah blah blah.



Have you found your meaning in your life?

Frankly speaking, I have. A couple of them. There may be more, and I'm still on my way of discovering them. After all, I'm still young. Not as if I'm expected to step into the coffin any moment.

I do not believe in everyone's life being the same. Getting born, grow up. Study. Work. Start family. Raise child. Grow old. See your children grow up. See your children start their own family. See your grandchildren Die.


So routine. So typical. So........................ animal. Seriously, what difference does it make from being an animal then? Since we all do the same thing, get born, grow up, survive, raise offspring, get old and die.

Life has definitely more meaning that all those.

It is up to us to find it. To discover it. To make it.



One of my meaning in life?
I make a difference in the people I come across in my life. =)

For me and for you, someone I cared for most

真想不到。

减少两个星期跟他们互动。五天的闭门思过。让我看清了某些出乎意料的事情。


不过再次想想，也不能算是不可能的事。毕竟人性就是如此。如果不会发生反而更加不自然。

每个人所做的每一件事情，背后一定会隐藏着agenda或motive. 如果你没有目的，那你绝对不会做的。这就是人性。
因为在这些朋友当中。只有我一个人修行，明白什么是有为，什么是无为，知道应无所住而升其心。但是我还是做不到这些，只因为这些都是不合乎人性的理念。所以，他们更不可能会没有目的去做出决定和动作的。

有些人做事光明正大，有些人做事暗渡陈仓。这是社会现象。但是在他们身上却显得一览无余。


不知道是不是只有我察觉到了，还有已经有别的人也看出了一端？

希望她看出了一些吧。毕竟她就是这所有一切的中心点。

Have you seen it? Have you sensed it? I hope you do. Because I do not wish these things to escalate and overwhelm your  already suffocating life.

Forgive me for adding more frustrations and stress to your life too. I did not realised it. Because I cared. I wanted to help, but ended up doing the opposite. The path of hell is often paved by good intentions. Now I understand.

我想我已经无法像以前那样跟你、你们出去了吧。因为我已经成为圈子以外的人了。



这是我这一生中第六个最大的遗憾。 


.

原谅我。因为我太过拘泥于道德。
原谅我。因为我太过古板。
原谅我。因为我太过老实。
原谅我。因为我不会说话。
原谅我。因为我不够成熟。
原谅我。因为我太过认真。
原谅我。因为我用情太深。
原谅我。因为我太过心软。
原谅我。因为我太过天真。

------------------------------------

我总是认为，男人的天职，就是要保护女人、爱护女人、一生一世地守护着她，不让她受到任何的伤害。

不过这应该是古时候的思想吧。
现在是什么时代了。还会有人像我有着一样的观念吗？一定会被人笑死。

已经不止一个了。已经有几个人都说过我根本不像是活在这个时代的人，而是一个活在古代的一个古人。

悲哀吧？自己竟然是一个出生在错时代的一个怪胎。



如果在古代。我，一定会背着剑，把你从所有一切让你痛苦的事情和环境救出。然后带着你浪迹天涯，过着逍遥自在的生活。过着你想要过的生活。


如果。曾经有人对我说。他从来不对自己说如果(what if)。因为事情已经过去了。想了也无济于事。倒不如把想“如果”的时间用在想想“将来”，不是更有意义吗？好佩服这个人。虽然也想和他一样。不过我还是会一直想着。。。如果。。。


我的前世曾经是一个皇帝(师尊其中的前世)的一个士兵。
我的前世曾经做过道士。
我只知道这两个前世。都是在中国。

------------------------------------

原谅我。因为我太过关心。
原谅我。因为我太过痴情。
原谅我。因为我太过伤感。
原谅我。因为我太过呵护。
原谅我。因为我太过保护。
原谅我。因为我太过真心。


原谅我。因为我太过爱你。。。。。


*************************

解开我
最神秘的等待
星星坠落风在吹动
终于再将你融入怀中
两颗心颤抖
相信我不变的真心
千年等待有我承诺
无论经过多少的寒冬
我决不放手
yi jie na ye so gei qia gou ,nu die ka ma you
nu li sha da hai de na zu ,sai de kai ma yo
nu li mo mu sa da hai so ,ha pa so nie yo
suo lu sa da ha da na yo ,mo te so nie yo
每一夜被心痛穿越
思念永没有终点
早习惯了孤独相随
我微笑面对
相信我你选择等待
再多苦痛也不闪躲
只有你的温柔能解救
无边的冷漠
yi jie na ye so gei qia gou ,nu die ka ma you
nu li sha da hai de na zu ,sai de kai ma yo
nu li mo mu sa da hai so ,ha pa so nie yo
suo lu sa da ha da na yo ,mo te so nie yo
让爱成为你我心中那永远盛开的花
穿越时空决不低头永不放弃的梦
nu li mo mu sa da hai so ,ha pa so nie yo
suo lu sa da ha da na yo ,mo te so nie yo
让爱成为你我心中那永远盛开的花
mu li shu zu hai de na so , yi ji de ma da yo
唯有真爱追随你我穿越无尽时空
so lu sa la ha na ma yo , mo te so nie yo
爱是心中唯一不变美丽的神话

当我不在这个世上的时候，你，会不会记得我？


你，会不会偶尔想起我？





如果换成是我，

我，一定会永远记住你的。而且还会每天想着你。

至少，我，一定会让你活在我的心中，直到我死的那一天，在另一个世界见到你。。。

脆弱中的坚强

The last time I saw Peggy, she was suggesting a KTV outing. The last KTV outing I had with her and Penny was in June last year. Supposedly a memorable outing. Supposedly.

So when Peggy was suggesting a KTV outing, and arrowed me to organise it, my mind immediately thought of Penny. I wonder, if she will want to go sing this time.

I do not know how I will feel when I see Penny again. I do wish to see her though. A lot.

Also, this K session should be an enjoyable one. Especially for Penny. Because I want her to enjoy herself.


**********************************


I may look nonchalant about it all on the outside.
I may appear fine and ok with all the fuss on me.

But deep inside it hurts a lot. Yet I cannot show it out.
I have to be strong. For you.


I have let myself get affected by you too much.

But I cannot help it.



For I have allowed myself to love you too much.

-----------------------------------------

心伤心痛不痛
爱掏空情失控
忘了听你想说什么
少了沟通变苦衷
心伤心痛不痛
爱放纵情放手
忘了问你想要什麽
若给的起我都承受

就只有歌陪伴着度过星期六的夜晚......

不想多说什么。
也没什么好说的。

因为说了等于白说。于事无补。只能怪自己自找的吧。谁叫自己是个怪胎呢。更惨的是心里总是那么的真。对人付出真心，但总是碰壁。
朋友也好，喜欢的人也好。爱的人也好。总是被人误解。被人唾弃。。。。


曾几何时，那个无牵无挂的我不见了？
曾几何时，那个我行我素的我消失了？
曾几何时，那个傲视天下的我死去了？
曾几何时，那个热情洋溢的我冻结了？

----------------------------------

才离开没多久就开始担心今天的你过得好不好
整个画面是你想你想的睡不著
嘴嘟嘟那可爱的模样还有在你身上香香的味道
我的快乐是你想你想的都会笑

没有你在我有多难熬 (没有你在我有多难熬多烦恼)
没有你烦我有多烦恼 (没有你烦我有多烦恼多难熬)
穿过云层我试著努力向你奔跑
爱才送到你却已在别人怀抱

就是开不了口让她知道
我一定会呵护著你也逗你笑
你对我有多重要我后悔没让你知道
安静的听你撒娇看你睡著一直到老

就是开不了口让她知道
就是那么简单几句我办不到
整颗心悬在半空我只能够远远看著
这些我都做得到但那个人已经不是我

Composed a new lyrics for the song 情歌 by 梁静茹. Its a Chinese song, but my composed lyrics are in English.


Last night I dreamt of you in a white wedding dress
Yet I was the one sitting with the guests
The groom was right there at the altar standing next to you
You both swore your vows
And exchange your rings

This morning when I login to my MSN
My heart skipped a beat when your message came
You told me last night he had ask you to be his girlfriend
You nodded and agreed
My heart has just crushed

I quickly wiped off my tears and said that I'm so happy for you
For I love you too much that I just want the best for you

(chorus)
So I choose to stand by your side always
Be the friend you can turn to
Or go bitching
When you have a bad day
And I promise I will always be there
Everytime you need a friend
Or a buddy
To just hang out and chill

(interlude)


When my eyes saw you walking down the pure white aisle
Under my breath I said you're beautiful
I gaze at the groom and thinks that he is so fortunate
To get to marry
The perfect woman

I quickly wiped off my tears and said that I'm so happy for you
For I love you too much that I just want the best for you

(chorus)
So I choose to stand by your side always
Be the friend you can turn to
Or go bitching
When you have a bad day
And I promise I will always be there
Everytime you need a friend
Or a buddy
To just hang out and chill

Thus I stood by your side all these long years
Being one of your true friends
Supporting you
Till the end of your days
On that day I stand in front of your grave
With tears flowing down my cheeks
and I whisper
I have always loved you.


****************************

为你写诗为你静止
为你做不可能的事
为你我学会弹琴写词
为你失去理智
为你写诗为你静止
为你做不可能的事
为你弹奏所有情歌的句子
我忘了说
最美的是你的名字

Seems like I prefer blogspot over tumblr.
Both has their pros and cons. Blogspot offers more flexibility over my postings. Though tumblr can do much more.

I seldom blog about my own life. Simply because I'm afraid I might write something I shouldn't. And I am pretty lazy to write each and every single thing I would want to remember.
So how?

Anyway I am still continuing to blog in blogspot. Tumblr shall probably be updated once in a while.

My life is in a pretty huge mess right now. Wanted to talk to Eileen about it. But then its not the time. She's got things she's handling on her own. Don't want to give her additional burden from me... Just want her to be happy. Everyday.



If wakie is feeling pretty lost with his future, I have no idea how to describe mine. A looming darkness where no light can be seen. Some say its not that serious. But to me, how I view it currently, that's the exact sight I'm having inside me right now.

I don't have much time left. That's why I really treasured the times I went out with the guys. Treasured the times with Eileen, the one and only close female friend I have.

Also having a lot buried deep inside me. Will I reveal them one day? Will such a day arrive? Such that when I reveal the hidden secrets within, that I will not lose all the things I hold dear and treasure terribly?



Life is a biatch. I'm sure many agrees with me.

For Somone I wish to talk to right now but I cannot

I have no idea when you will read this. Because I know that you don't really come to my blog that often.

I know I have said many things that sounded like bullshit or rubbish to you. Frankly speaking, there's no way I can prove or convince you that whatever I said is true and very real. However, I really wish you can at least take note on some of the things I had/have/will be mentioning to you about.

I am also aware that I'm definitely the very last person on earth that you will turn to when you need someone to talk to. I make you uncomfortable. I always say the wrong things at the wrong time. I always do and say things that irritate you. I always..................


I know you're not going to tell or share anything, except probably to a selected few.
But I just want to let you know. I'll always be around for a listening ear whenever you need.



Do you know something?

Everything you feel sad, depressed, I will feel very helpless, I cannot do anything for you.

Firstly, because you keep everything bottled inside. For years I have done the exact same thing. That's why I know how excruciating it feels inside. I wish there's some sort of outlet for you, so that you will not suppress all the emotions and thoughts all inside.
Secondly, for a girl like you, you seriously deserve much much better treatment from life. A lot of girls I know who's not as pretty and cute(definitions of pretty and cute from your tumblr blog entry) as you also never receive so much shit in their life. Life is unfair, but its too unfair in this case.
Thirdly, having learnt so much over the past 10 years in the Taoism and Buddhism world, there's really a lot of things that can help you. That can improve your life. Improve your family. Lessen the burdens in your life. It will be a very gradual change, but the improvements will be there, like a grass growing, you cannot see visible growth, but there's always a growth. But I cannot help you. Not directly. Even though offering addition prayers for you occasionally(as and when I remember and is able to) has given you a bit of respite from all the shit in your life. But those are still not enough to eradicate some of the things that are not supposed to be in your life. One of the things that makes me feel most helpless on.


Last but not least, You are one of the most important people in my life.


I know you are strong. I know you are capable of taking care of yourself. I am aware that it is your life and that you are in control of your life. I know. All these, I do know.

I just want to let you know, that, you're not alone. You're never alone. You have your family. You have your friends. You definitely have people around you that will always stand by you and supporting you.


I am not good with my words. And I don't know what else I can say to you. You'd have probably heard too much of "take care", "dun be sad" or "cheer up" or "stay cool" blah blah.


Anyway by now, looking from all the twits, you seem to sound better. And I think you've already logged off from the net.

Still,

I hope you'll really be ok. That you'll always be alright. You'll always be happy.

That's what I really wish for.

纯粹只是一场梦而已...一场100年的长长的梦

人生如梦，人生如戏。
简简单单的8个字。却有着深深的含义。

大家都听过吧。战国时期，庄子的一则非常著名的故事。。。
庄子当时喜欢白天睡觉，经常梦见自己变成蝴蝶，在园林花草之中飞舞，醒来时，就感觉自己的两只胳膊好象翅膀一样可以飞动。当时庄子就感叹了。到底是蝴蝶梦庄子，还是庄子梦蝴蝶？谁真？谁假？

其实人生真的是一场梦吧。我们正在做梦，做着一个非常长、非常长的一个梦。我们的灵魂深藏在我们的肉体里，长眠在内，做着一个百年大梦。直到我们死的那一天，我们就会从这个梦醒来。也许吧。。

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When I do have dreams, most of them are pretty realistic. I do feel pain. I do feel happiness. I feel all the sensation and emotions that as a normal human being in a perfectly awaken state of mind would experience. It doesn't matter how far fetch the dream is, or its just a simple dream of your everyday life. Very few people will realise that they are in a dream. I had a lot of dreams which I wished wasn't merely dreams when I woke up from them. Lots of dreams, such as with xxxxx, or with xxxxxx.

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 I do not know how or where to continue all of a sudden. There's too much going on inside my mind, so many questions yet far too few answers. Seeking for the answers are not the hard part. Its the hardest to recognise the answers and questions itself.

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I'm quite depressed. Am I trying too hard or just not trying enough. Seriously, what the heck.

I can't talk to people. I can't talk to people properly.

I can't talk to those people I'd really wish to talk properly, the way I wish how my conversation will flow with that person. I really wish I can.

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好累好累。人怎么那么喜欢搞那么多的心机呢？我也从什么时候变得会弄心机？

只不过我知道、我明白。。。

我所有的心机。

全部都是为了不让她知道。。。


绝对不能让她知道的。。。。。。。。。。。。


那些埋藏在心里的感情。