Even though its Chinese New Year, I do not feel any festive cheer/feeling anymore since some years ago. Chinese New Year had lost its novelty and just feels like a longer holiday to me only.

This year, its worse.

The Pandoras' Box had opened since, and hope, as in the story, was the only thing that has never emerged from the Pandoras' Box, only all vices of men.

I began hating again. Hating a lot of things. Hating people. Hatred has come back to my life.

Darkness had seeped through the seal and engulfed about a quarter of my heart and soul.

I fought, but the tiredness, is getting the upper hand........


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Had been dreaming of a particular person for the past few days. 5? 6? I cannot remember. All I do know, every night, she is in my dreams.

None of the dreams are of any solace to me, my soul, my emotions.

All the dreams are of mockery, mocking me that even in my dreams, I'm forced to live through my greatest fear and misery.

In the past, my dreams occasionally did give me a nice dream abt the girl I liked then. But my dreams now, reflects all the fears and hatred I face in real life. I had never feared sleeping, because I could have the chance to be with someone I liked, even if its just a dream, the feeling was still so real, and I was so happy in those dreams. That is why throughout all the years of which I've had depression, I never had the symptoms of insomnia. In fact, I slept more than I should. Because, its the only place I can seek my happiness in.

But now...........................

连梦里，我也将会失去自我，我会失去她，接着，我也一定会失去自己，成为魔的食物.........

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其实魔，并不是很可怕的。魔呢，其实分很多种的魔。有天魔，五蕴魔，心魔，幻魔等等。很多很多的魔。

我呢？当年的我，入魔的情况，我把它称为情魔。

为情所绑，为情所困，为情而苦，为情牺牲，被情出卖，被情折磨。。。
最后入魔。



其实，世上有多少人能够知道？有多少人能够明白？

一个入魔的人，其实是个非常可怜的人。


想想看。有人会自愿入魔吗？为什么会有人陷入魔的世界呢？

如果不是因为失去了依靠，失去了生活意义，失去了对他重要的。。。

不管是什么原因，能够把人逼到成魔的， 那个人，真的是很可怜的人。


因为我经历过，所以能体会。魔，真的是很可怜。

无奈。。。

*****************

A couple of weeks before the Pandoras' Box was opened, I saw Kangming put the following line as his facebook status.

"好人好报的时代过去了"

The comment I gave?

"的确是啊! 的确是。我看好人都会早死的。。。你们别为我难过啊" 

And this is his reply...

"好人好报的时代虽然过去了；物，也未必因稀而贵。它的存与活可能靠的就是信念，加上丝许的浪漫天真吧。"



I do not consider myself a saint. But I do know that I am a good person. Its not that I'm not modest. Its not that I'm being thickskin. I do know myself that I will not harm anyone, and that I will try to help whoever I can whenever he/she needs the help.

Why am I the good person I am till now?
I really do not know.

I used to think that being good has its rewards. Not that the rewards are important. I feel that its important that we do not harm anyone at all. Why should we? What will we gain from harming others? My conscience will prick me. I do not understand those people, how they can 把自己的快乐建立在别人的痛苦上. Don't they feel guilt? What if it happened to them? Will they still feel as happy if it happened to them instead? So why did they do it?

信念。做好人真的需要坚定不移的信念。这是不可否认的。

丝许的浪漫天真？也对。如果不天真，根本很难做个好人。如果不浪漫，你也不会觉得好人是很难得的。

So imagine the irony, that in my previous post, I mentioned that 好人有好报这句话，在我身上是最大的谎言。

可能Kangming说的对吧，好人好报的时代真的过去了。

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So. I think I will not be sleeping before 4 or 5am again tonight.

Because I'm afraid.


Afraid of seeing someone in my dreams.

Afraid of what I may see in my dreams.