普通的一个人

我只是一个很普通很普通的一个人。   

咦？这则po文没有顶礼我的上师，三根本？！ 
其实， 今天只想自己与自己对话。
而且，现在用的这个部落格是我以前用来闲聊或者记下当时的想法跟感觉。不是那个我写心得的部落格。
读了这个部落格一些过去写的人事物，还真觉得自己当年相当不知所谓。

然而将近十年后的今天，还是会觉得自己仍然会一点不知所谓。哈哈。

前个星期对人透露了我的一些秘密。一些我应该不可能会告诉他们的事，在聚餐的时候说了出来。
都是火锅惹得祸。哈哈。 应该无伤大雅吧。已经是过去的秘密，不是现在的秘密。

**********************************************

每一个人都有每一个人的生活。不知道有没有人会跟我一样？偶尔会突发奇想地想到，如果明天我醒来，过着另一个人的生活，那会是怎样的感受？
相对的，如果我的肉身因为我在另一个人的身体活着，那我的肉身死的时候，会有什么样的事情发生呢？

你们知道吗？我其实以前真的会想，如果我死了，我的身边会怎样。

最明显的，亲人一定会伤心欲绝。我父母亲。可能一些亲戚也会。就这样。

朋友嘛，因为我已经很少跟朋友联络了。小学同学没联络了。初级学院同学没联络了。大学更不用说了。中学的最好的朋友们，这一两年来，除了一次的聚会，也没有联络了。毕竟他们每个人都有家室了。所以，如果我过世了，他们会过了一段时间才会知道的。

佛寺的朋友嘛，因为我会消失，他们一定会知道的。 不过也许他们不知道我怎么了。因为没有人有我家人的联络，也不知道我的地址。哈哈。

想象，如果为我办丧礼。我的丧礼应该会是很少人很少人来的吧。哦，我妈妈是舞蹈老师，桃李满天下一个篮球场，所以至少会有几十位来丧礼慰问我妈妈的。
除了亲人，有谁会为我落泪呢？

当然我不希望有人为我难过。我这个讨厌的个性就是这样，我宁可自己委屈而不会造成别人的困扰。 你们知不知道，我曾经胯下大口跟我前女友说过，我一定会让我自己比你晚点死去，所以当对方走了后，伤心的只有我就可以了。真是不知所谓。哈哈。我怎么能够肯定我会比对方晚死呢？何况我年龄比较大，而且平均男性寿命都比女性短几年。当然，我之前的自信不是凭空来的，小时候练武，练内功，虽然没有小成，但至少比其他男生没有练有多一点的优势。不过还是太天真了，无常一来，就算练成了九阳神功还是会两腿一伸，一命呜呼了（这里在透露一个小秘密，我中学时无意买到了一本全真龙门派的内功心法，叫做玄阳功，练了几个星期。哈哈哈！）
 
说到哪里了，是了，以前想象我死了，当时我单恋的对象会不会为我落泪。好白痴的想法吧？哈哈哈。如果回对我落泪，那我还是会单恋啊？哈哈哈。现在呢？当然也会一点点小希望我单恋的人会流一滴眼泪。我不贪心了！一滴眼泪而已耶！这至少能安慰我的心吧，她还知道我的存在。哈哈(这是一个逼出来的无奈的笑 =3 ）

时间晚了，今天在此停笔吧。
这两个星期心情总是起伏不定。但愿不是历史重蹈。这是我这一世的致命伤。


本日播放：曹格 － 寂寞先生

你的笑容是恩惠　世界難得那麼美 於是追 要你陪　
可惜本能終會將美麗汗水化成淚水

黑夜之所以會黑　叫醒人心裡的鬼 在遊說 在縈迴　
在體內是什麼 在把我摧毀在傷痕累累 

我可以無所謂　寂寞卻一直掉眼淚
人類除了擅長頹廢　做什麼都不對　Oh ... I'm not okay 

我假裝無所謂　才看不到心被擰碎 
人在愛情裡越殘廢　就會越多安慰    無論(有)多虛偽 

空虛並非是詞彙　能夠形容的魔鬼 它支配著行為　
能擺脫寂寞我什麼都肯給　就像個傀儡 

 

一眼瞬间

只要看你一眼一瞬间
哪怕是最后画面
我的世界
因为爱过而完美
谁都不该离太远
只要看你一眼一瞬间
足够我熬过千年
我不后悔
爱若让末日提前
我们要一起
好好迎接那句点

一眼瞬间 -- 张惠妹 & 萧敬腾

*******************************

一眼瞬间，应该没有别的男女歌手组合能够唱出更好的味道吧。

时间过得很快。我来这个环境已经整整一年了。认识了那么多兄弟姐妹。认识了很了不起的领导人。
想想我第一次参加的活动就是kukup之旅。多两个星期就是第二次了。我还是在kukup走红的。成为大家心里永不磨灭的超人。哈哈哈。

真的是一眼瞬间。时间过得很快。 好像才刚刚进入这个环境一样。往事镜头历历在目。。。

---------------------------------

今晚突然很有写作的心情。不过还是决定我的小说明天再写。毕竟要把往事写出来，写完了就等于能够完全放下的那种勇气还是提不出来。真的很没用。被老大说中了。。。

就还是写写网志吧!至少能够舒解压抑在内的感觉。。

今天是公共假日。不用那么早起来。就算要早起也起不来。昨天太累了。醒来时，看了刚刚下载的The Imaginaium of Doctor Parnasis(spelt wrongly, i know), 看了半小时就不看了。因为。。。触动了心里的恐惧。真的恐惧。不是因为这部片很可怕，只是。。。很像。尤其是化妆后真的酷似某个人的感觉。而且剧情的发展又是我最害怕会发生在我身上的。所以我不看了，继续回去睡觉。

醒来后心情还是很不舒服。烂透了。


所以可能就是今晚会有写作的心情吧。之前有说过，我的写作/创作灵感来自于心情低落、沮丧 、难过、感慨时候才会被激发出来的。

---------------------------------

今晚上课时，听到老大的一句话，感触万千。老大说的话我记不了完整的一字一句，我没有photographic memory。不过大至上是这样的。。
“就说了过去已成过去，就不要在回头看了。回头看又不会给你带来什么建设性的帮助”

的确。我的一个大大缺点就是会时时回头看。尤其是在感情方面的事。更何况今天老大“碰巧”的一直都用感情比喻作例子在讲课。我也许太敏感，不过好像今天的课有三分之一是针对我个人问题而讲的。甚至当时我还怀疑老大是不是读到我的blog以及我的小说。

要不然他就是有特异功能。哈哈。

但是今天还是对我很有帮助。谢谢老大。

----------------------------------

好了，就写到这里吧。已经要早上5点了。各位晚安。最后放个一年前的照片。。。可以说是我生命中新的一章的一个开始。。
这一年来的回忆，以及接下来的日子，就是从这里开始的。。。

2010 Kukup 之旅

♥♥♥

没有灵感!

本来想写小说的第二段的，不过不知怎的。。思绪很混乱，无法理出个情景出来。

心中纵有千言万语，但说出确实哑口无言。

想想要把隐藏在心里那么久的事说出来还真不容易。

要把心中真正的感受说出来更是难上加难。


第一场法会过了。
刚才很想问她姐姐为什么她没来。。。
现在回想起来，我想打自己一个耳光。
都说忘了她了。怎么还。。。。何况我现在。。好像。。。对另一个人。。。 。。。 。。。好像


星期天去seremban了。很高兴。因为。。。


写到这里还是没有灵感。可能太累了吧。停笔休息了。
再见。

<小说> 最后一次的心动 (序 章)

 每当晚上在回家的路上，你一个人走啊走着，边走边在做些什么？

有些人是边走路边打电话。

有些人就一边听者耳机里播放的音乐。

有些人就匆匆地赶着回家。

有些人边走边看着手机。

有些人就静静地，慢慢地走着，心事就一直在脑海中旋绕。

你，是属于那种人呢？

倘若你是属于最后的那种人，那么，平时你都在想些什么呢？

 
"I want your love and I want your revenge. You and me could write a bad romance ... ... "
一个人走在静静的街上，耳中的耳机从iphone播放着音乐，手中握着一份包装得很精致的小礼物。辕声看着手表，发现原来已经是凌晨12点52分了。他不知觉地叹了一口气，抬头望着黑夜的星空细声的说到：“今天，是我喜欢上你的第一百天了。。你知道吗？”

*********************************

“辕声! 今晚别忘了，等下11点我们打game哦!”
“知道了。” 辕声头也不会地回答文辉，走到了巴士站，搭了74巴士回后港。

一到家，辕声拿出了他的e71手机，看见有件新的简讯，脸上露出兴奋的表情读了简讯。
“唉，不是佩君啊。 ”辕声失望地把手机丢到床上。无精打采的他，坐到了电脑前，上facebook看看有什么有趣的事情。

“咚咚咚!” 电脑萤幕上出现msn的视窗。

“佩君？！” 辕声差点摔下椅子。
“hi! 找我什么事？” 辕声马上使出在电脑上练了十年的“无影手”回复佩君。
“没什么，只是觉得很烦”
“为什么？”
“我觉得我跟男朋友好像无法在一起了。我们之间越来越多误会，越来越不信任彼此了。。。”

辕声心中“突”的一声，心想：老天爷终于可怜我了!不枉我等她等了2年。

“哦。。这样啊。。。。。呃，其实，我觉得你应该好好好想想。两个人要在一起并不是很容易的。当初你不也是喜欢彼此才会在一起的吗？你我都是佛教徒，知道两个人的缘分真的很不容易得到的。所以。。”

“我知道，所以我才很烦啊。他不是对我不好。而是，他总是否定我这个那个的。唉，再看怎么样啦。我姐要用电脑了。拜拜!”

 *佩君已下线*

辕声看着msn视窗里的对话。深深地叹了口气，走到床边就整个人扒在床上。双目直直地瞪着天花板，骂道：“你他X的烂好人!人家已经考虑要不要分手了，你还想劝她继续挽留这段感情？！白痴一个。。。”



<待续。。。>



以上出现人名，都是反映我现实生活中的朋友名字。情节则是一半真，一半虚构。
纯粹只是写作。如有得罪，请多原谅。

-- 木星

一年过去了

转眼之间，一年过了。很快的。时间真的过得很快。

这一年内我到底做了什么？


发生了不少事，也能说其实什么事都没发生过。


忽然想开始写作。就回来写些东西。



想念一个人的心，仍然在想念。
不过人已经不是同一个人。从思念一个人，到第二个，第三个，到。。。
辗转红尘的心。至今还是没有得到一个能够停泊的港口。这十四年来，说长不长，说短不短。但已经是度过了一段岁月。

当年才华洋溢的我，如今已被腐蚀得不成人形。现在加上社会上的压迫，心境正已惊人的速度堕落。

要不是去年进入了一个很好的环境，认识了很多很棒的人，我相信一直被社会压迫我将来只会走两条路。
1) 愤世嫉俗，恨尽天下人与事
2) 对尘世绝望，遁入修行门，隐姓埋名，不问世事。

开始写作吧，今天我的时间剩下不多了，明天又是有一堆一堆的工作。。。

你不是真正的快乐.......

从星期天起，我的心情似乎。。。不太好。

今天好像越来越不对。内心深处涌出来那阵熟悉的感觉，怎么说呢。。。就是缠了我好多年的感觉。

是Penny吗？因为她明天就飞上海了。不可能，因为我已经放下对她的感情了。。。
或许。。可能是。。。。

希望这种感觉只是短暂的。。。

********************

还是有点茫然。已经有一个目标已经明确了，不过还剩下许许多多的后尾还没考虑跟策划。

别管那么多了。。。先把能做的做好。剩下的问领导人吧。

********************

很意外的，上facebook看到了Fanni在facebook上post的东东。我相信她一定能做到的。因为我真的很希望她能成功。

那么，我呢？唉。。。。。



今天听的一首歌，讽刺性的正好反映出我这两天的感受。

---------------------

人群中哭着
你只想变成透明的颜色
你再也不会梦或痛或心动了
你已经决定了你已经决定了
你静静忍着
紧紧把昨天在拳心 握着
而回忆越是甜就是越伤人了
越是在手心留下
密密麻麻深深浅浅的刀割

你不是真正的快乐
你的笑只是你穿的保护色
你决定不恨了也决定不爱了
把你的灵魂关 在永远锁上的躯壳

这世界笑了
于是你合群的一起笑了
当生存是规则不是你的选择
于是你含着眼泪
飘飘荡荡跌跌 撞撞的走着
 

你不是真正的快乐
你的笑只是你穿的保护色
你决定不恨了也 决定不爱了
把你的灵魂关在永远锁上的躯壳
你不是真正的快乐
你的伤从 不肯完全的愈合
我站在你左侧却像隔着银河
难道就真的抱着遗憾一直到老了
然后才后悔着
你不是真正的快乐
你 的笑只是你穿的保护色
你决定不恨了也决定不爱了
把你的灵魂关在永远锁上的躯壳你不是真正的快乐
你的伤从不肯完全的愈合
我 站在你左侧却像隔着银河
难道就真的抱着遗憾一直到老了
 

你值得真正的快乐
你应该脱下你穿的保护色
为什么失去了还要被惩罚呢
能 不能就让悲伤全部结束在此刻
重新开始活着

五月天 - 你不是真正的快乐..................................................

短暂

都好忙，不过这些日子过得很愉快。

After finishing my duty at the temple, I sense a feeling of yearning. Immediately I know why.
我的心已经飞回到JB，飞到Java Permas，飞到百万会场，飞到中心里认识的所有兄弟姐妹，飞到了。。。。。

对不起 刚才我是不是听错 还是我想太多想到了昏头
天气不错 开了窗 吹散脸红 

I know that I have changed a lot. In a short period of time. I guess not even Eileen they all have seen this side of me. Well, have lar, just not so much, so extended till the point whereby nobody ever suspected I had a bout of 7years of depression and still sliding in and out of slight depression every now and then.

Environment is really very important.

进一步 退一步 都害怕打破 更不想在原地永远做朋友
给你线索也给我勇敢借口
下定决心沉默 就让沉默为我们追究
你和我 这一刻 不想到而交流 却突然震耳欲聋

Still, there's something inside me that makes me reluctant to open one particular side of me again. A little bit worried, a little bit scared. But the way I see things go, I guess its just a matter of time before I will morph back into a butterfly, breaking free of the cocoon which binds my heart.

一字一句一瞬间 走了火 
一天一点一转眼 入了魔 
忘了我从什么时候
忘了你为什么能够让我一步一步走火入魔 

我发觉我看着某个人的眼神变了。眼神变成了很柔，很柔。这也是我这十多年来心里一直很怕的。因为我每次都会被伤害。虽然已经被痛楚麻痹了，可是仍然不想再次感受到同样的事。不过我很想，很想超越自己，让我轰轰烈烈的干上一场吧! 至少战死沙场，我能够说我“死”的像个男人，而不是像以前，还没开战就被瘫痪了。

一直在想一直揣摩一直到你变成甜蜜的心痛
如果可以 把如果变成结果
下定决心执着 就让执着为我们突破
我和你的小说 这时候出现烟火 让情节充满感动

敢爱敢恨，这才是当年的我。当年那个傲视人群的我。不过我不会恨，我只会去爱。

一字一句一瞬间 走了火 
一天一点一转眼 入了魔 
忘了我从什么时候
忘了你为什么能够让我一步一步走火入魔  

Fight on, fight on. Fight for my future, fight for my freedom. Fight for my persuit of perfection. My battle has just begun...

一字一句一瞬间 走了火 
一天一点一转眼 入了魔
如果你有相同感受 感受到有一种突然的冲动
放肆一次 走火入魔

3 years from now. That's my long term target.

I also hope Fanni can reach her goal in less than 3 yrs too. So as for everyone else in the centre, Singapore and JB. 加油~

走火入魔 阿信&丁当

重生。。。。

好久没有blog了。看着以前的文章，仿佛是很久很久以前的事了。。。尽管只过了4个月。

是Fanni跟Ginny吧，那天用手机给她们看我改词的歌。才想起了我很久没有blog了。


偏巧正好要跟Fanni说怎么blog，就进来说说话吧。


这4个月。很多很多事。很多很多时间。很多很多感想。很多很多改变。

怎么说呢。。。。。。？ 也许这一个月来，是我生命中另一个起点吧。
把过去的放下。。。

开始我生命中另一段阶段。

现写到这里吧。都2点了。还有一些事还没作好呢。

明天一定会因不够睡变成行尸走肉。

各位，晚安。

体内正邪交战。

我亦失控了几次。


魔心渐盛，而浩然正气慢慢地越渐淡薄。

唯有一法。。。

我将把自己所有的感情跟一切喜怒哀乐抹杀掉。

成为一个行尸走肉。



因为我不想做出伤害她的事。


成为那个认识她之前那样。。。。一个封闭自己、毫无感情的行尸走肉。

这样，我，才不会做出任何伤害她的事。


不会做出伤害她的事。



绝对不会伤害她。

心中的魔性大发。


以往是因为对某个女孩子的情，就是以那份水不能息、风不能灭的火热感情。所以我一直能够把它封锁在灵魂的最深处。



可是现在。。。

*
*
*


如今我真的怕我压抑不住它。






‘我’会死吗？

Even though its Chinese New Year, I do not feel any festive cheer/feeling anymore since some years ago. Chinese New Year had lost its novelty and just feels like a longer holiday to me only.

This year, its worse.

The Pandoras' Box had opened since, and hope, as in the story, was the only thing that has never emerged from the Pandoras' Box, only all vices of men.

I began hating again. Hating a lot of things. Hating people. Hatred has come back to my life.

Darkness had seeped through the seal and engulfed about a quarter of my heart and soul.

I fought, but the tiredness, is getting the upper hand........


*****************

Had been dreaming of a particular person for the past few days. 5? 6? I cannot remember. All I do know, every night, she is in my dreams.

None of the dreams are of any solace to me, my soul, my emotions.

All the dreams are of mockery, mocking me that even in my dreams, I'm forced to live through my greatest fear and misery.

In the past, my dreams occasionally did give me a nice dream abt the girl I liked then. But my dreams now, reflects all the fears and hatred I face in real life. I had never feared sleeping, because I could have the chance to be with someone I liked, even if its just a dream, the feeling was still so real, and I was so happy in those dreams. That is why throughout all the years of which I've had depression, I never had the symptoms of insomnia. In fact, I slept more than I should. Because, its the only place I can seek my happiness in.

But now...........................

连梦里，我也将会失去自我，我会失去她，接着，我也一定会失去自己，成为魔的食物.........

*****************

其实魔，并不是很可怕的。魔呢，其实分很多种的魔。有天魔，五蕴魔，心魔，幻魔等等。很多很多的魔。

我呢？当年的我，入魔的情况，我把它称为情魔。

为情所绑，为情所困，为情而苦，为情牺牲，被情出卖，被情折磨。。。
最后入魔。



其实，世上有多少人能够知道？有多少人能够明白？

一个入魔的人，其实是个非常可怜的人。


想想看。有人会自愿入魔吗？为什么会有人陷入魔的世界呢？

如果不是因为失去了依靠，失去了生活意义，失去了对他重要的。。。

不管是什么原因，能够把人逼到成魔的， 那个人，真的是很可怜的人。


因为我经历过，所以能体会。魔，真的是很可怜。

无奈。。。

*****************

A couple of weeks before the Pandoras' Box was opened, I saw Kangming put the following line as his facebook status.

"好人好报的时代过去了"

The comment I gave?

"的确是啊! 的确是。我看好人都会早死的。。。你们别为我难过啊" 

And this is his reply...

"好人好报的时代虽然过去了；物，也未必因稀而贵。它的存与活可能靠的就是信念，加上丝许的浪漫天真吧。"



I do not consider myself a saint. But I do know that I am a good person. Its not that I'm not modest. Its not that I'm being thickskin. I do know myself that I will not harm anyone, and that I will try to help whoever I can whenever he/she needs the help.

Why am I the good person I am till now?
I really do not know.

I used to think that being good has its rewards. Not that the rewards are important. I feel that its important that we do not harm anyone at all. Why should we? What will we gain from harming others? My conscience will prick me. I do not understand those people, how they can 把自己的快乐建立在别人的痛苦上. Don't they feel guilt? What if it happened to them? Will they still feel as happy if it happened to them instead? So why did they do it?

信念。做好人真的需要坚定不移的信念。这是不可否认的。

丝许的浪漫天真？也对。如果不天真，根本很难做个好人。如果不浪漫，你也不会觉得好人是很难得的。

So imagine the irony, that in my previous post, I mentioned that 好人有好报这句话，在我身上是最大的谎言。

可能Kangming说的对吧，好人好报的时代真的过去了。

 *****************


So. I think I will not be sleeping before 4 or 5am again tonight.

Because I'm afraid.


Afraid of seeing someone in my dreams.

Afraid of what I may see in my dreams.

Damn the COH map. I'm not going to play that map with them again at late nights. Freaking 2 1/2 hrs just to clear it. No more.


Wanted to blog about some things, but I'll wait till tomorrow.

*****************

越来越想你。我知道我不应该的。我知道我没机会的。我知道我。。。

说真的，如果真的爱上了一个人。你就是爱着那个人了。
即使怎么勉强，怎么改变，怎么自我催眠，爱最终还是剩下爱。


自从那天起，我已经没有在听歌了。因为歌，是会触动到我内心的。一定会的。所以我以前在伤心时很少听歌。为了就是不想让情绪失控。

不过，情绪虽然受到控制，但心中的感觉是不会变的。

*****************

Pangs of regrets are coming back. They always come back. Regrets about Sijie. Regrets about Huiling. Regrets about Penny. Regrets about ...... .


11 years ago, I lost control of myself and turned to the darkness. I filled my soul with darkness and let it hold reins over me. But I realised I was going to cause harm to her. So I tore the darkness away and sealed it deep within myself. Which is probably the reason why I seem to be mis-balanced as a person. 90% goodness and 10% darkness. Sometimes more darkness leaked through the seal. But I've always managed to keep the seal there and intact.




The Pandoras' Box has opened. One of my fears in my current life. Came true.

And the seal is waning. I'm afraid, I may not be able to hold the seal intact. Should I ever turn back into darkness, I shall not let myself cause any harm or hurt to you. Because I will definitely regret it for eternity.

*****************


I have no idea what I was trying to put across. Because its all so abstract. Yet,  there's no other way I can put it. I hope I can keep everything under control.

Hatred, Darkness, Loath, Despair.....................

The very ingredients that tear your soul apart and make you do things that you will regret for life.

因为曾经试过，所以才知道它们的可怕。


Those who knew me in primary school and secondary school would probably never have expected it. 我竟然曾经因为情而进入魔道。

The upright, honorable, righteous and goody two shoes Jupiter Seow YuanSheng. Had once turned to the Dark because of Love.


Life is just so ironic.

And spastic.


And likes to play cruel jokes on you.


Especially likes to make you relive history which you have always feared the most.

*****************


Right, I have no idea why I typed all these and so much stuff tonight. Wanted to just put in a couple of words and then go lie on my bed and waited until my insomnia wears out at 5am so I can sleep.

The things I wanted to blog about, I'll blog them tomorrow bah.


I can't stop myself thinking of you


----------------------

深夜万物皆沉静，寂寂无声触真情。思念一生无穷尽，愿你有个幸福命。 

 -- 《静夜思》by 木星


********************

其实，那时候我写出我这一生第六个最大的遗憾时，就不知觉地让我想起了我第五个最大的遗憾。




我，不是那个让她心动的人。


********************


如果还有下一世，我一定还会爱上同一个人的。


因为我前世欠她太多了。。。。。。


********************

一切都结束了。


其实也不是结束。因为根本没有开始。


真确的说法应该是。。。。一切都无所谓了。


<孟子> - 天将降大任于斯人也，必先苦其心志，劳其筋骨，饿其体肤，空乏其身，行拂乱其所为，所以动心忍性，增益其所不能。

老天爷，你这几个星期给我的考验， 你是不是想我死啊？如果我这一死的话我来到这世上的任务都没做就回老家了。也许连天上都去不了，更别说是摩诃双莲池了。


天上界。希望大家都能回去吧。毕竟从很久很久以前是在天上认识的。 所以我今生才会有你，你，你，她，她，他，还有一些朋友的因果牵缠的关系。

转入正题。今天。有些改变。

好了。就说到这里。

我也该走了。星星在等这我呢。

They always say you will feel better after crying it out.


刚刚在佛菩萨面前哭了一阵。其实也不算哭吧。毕竟没有眼泪，怎么算是哭呢？
泪水往心里流罢了。这不是哭吧。


That's why I never feel better.
Because I swallowed everything back in.

心里流泪。心中流血。哪个比较痛呢？

---------------------------


4.20am. 我又失眠了。也好。这样我可能会早死。我的内力已经所剩无几，已经没得补回元气。生命力开始减弱了。

---------------------------

从来没有对任何人说过，其实我想过写一部小说。一部现代背景的武侠小说。主角是一个百年难见的一个不世奇才。 年纪轻轻就成了天下武林神话之一的人物。哈哈。很好笑吧。其实这小说已经在我的心里酝酿了10年了。只是没有把它写出来。因为它只是一个让我能够在里面成为梦想成真的世界。

主角10岁习武，1年内练成了能纵横武林的一套武功。行侠仗义，救了不少人，帮了不少事。成为武林中正义的代表。也成了武林中的神话。可是15岁那年，神话因为爱情而隐退武林，从此在武林中消声匿迹。不过因为找到了真正爱着的女孩子而暗中保护着她。最后为了她重出武林，锋芒再露。

你知道吗？这个主角神话啊，他最厉害的地方是什么吗？不是他所练成了无上的内功心法，也不是他身负十几种一一能够纵横天下的武功。而是他是个至情至性的人。所有的武功都是他内心有感而发的。爱情相传是天下间最伟大最强的力量。他，就是从爱情中得到无敌的力量。

可惜，因为他为了能和心爱的人过普通人的生活，他隐退武林，隐瞒了他在武林中至高无上的地位，成了一个普通的人。可惜，10年的普通生活，他看到他所爱的人一一地爱上其他男生。心里所受的创伤越来越多。武功也出现了越大的缺陷。人，也越来越消沉，绝望。尽管他在心爱的人面前总是那样坚强，但是他的内心世界已经是一座废墟了。

所以，你觉得，我应该不应该让这个主角死去？伤心欲绝，走火入魔而死。 这部小说也就在这里结束。


我，应该不应该让这位盖世英雄死去？

---------------------------

Tonight I remembered about Huiling. How I advised her to go ahead with her feelings and try to give her classmate a chance. Even though I really liked her then. 大笨蛋一个？还是烂好人一个？Ended up she got together with him, 1 month before I reveal my feelings to Huiling. I became a walking zombie for several months. In fact, that very day she told me, I seem to turn into a body with no soul inside. If L4D was created that time, I would most probably be shot dead the moment I parted with Huiling. Boon can vouch for it. I was really a walking zombie that day.

2 years ago, the same thing happened again. Not to the same girl, but Penny. Yes, I'm not so close to Penny as to suddenly discuss personal stuff with her, but when she mentioned she was interested in this classmate. My inner world crumbled like a cookie. As again, being the Mr Nice guy I am, I never really bad mouth that guy, cause I only met him for a night, and frankly speaking, I do not dislike/hate anyone at all to badmouth them.

Then......................



能令一个人伤得最深，伤的最痛，伤得最苦，往往是他爱得最深，爱得最切的人。。。




Nothing wrong with being honorable? But Penny didn't know I liked her then. So, I guess its my own grave I dug. As for Huiling. Well, 好人有好报这句话，在我身上是最明显的一句谎言。And then........and then.......

真情。是我这一生中最大的弱点。

对人付出的真情，最后换来的就是一句傻瓜。

---------------------------


“我很普通，我没什么特别。我只是一个呆呆的傻瓜。我不会说甜言蜜语。我不太会弄你笑。我其实知道，我不能给你保证你要的。不能保证给你很舒服的生活。不能保证给你一个让人羡慕的人生。可是，我绝对可以向你保证的是：我，绝对是你生命中让你受伤最少的人。我，绝对不会做出伤害你的事。因为我，是个绝对不要看到你伤心难过的人。”

"I cannot promise you many things. But one thing I can promise you, always, that I will definitely be the one person in your life who will hurt you the least. That I will never ever do anything to hurt you. Because I never ever want to see you unhappy and sad." *Crosses my heart*


这句话，是我埋藏在心里了一段时间的一个不能说的秘密。

I cannot open the Pandora's Box.

---------------------------

 Time is 5.15am. Insomnia. Yup. Again. But this time, I know.

睡不着，也许是因为想念你

目送你离开

有无限感慨

对你的思念

永远不会更改

花若不再开

夜将会无奈

若是没有你的爱

我会日夜期待

*********************

A quiet night. Perfect for lonely souls. For thoughts. Lots of thoughts.

当思念成了一种习惯。。。。

Since a long long time ago, it has become habitual for me. To be thinking of someone every night. Since as long as I can remember. Sijie, Huiling, .......... , Karen, Penny.. ...... .. Tonight is also no exception.

Do you know I'm missing you tonight???

--------------------------

I used to create little bits of literal works for the girl I like. Short poems, in English and Chinese. But I realised that I have stopped doing that for the past 3 years. Because its not appreciated. Is it? No, I guess not. Even if its not, I would still continue writing them. I guess its because my heart has slowly deaden, till the point that I cannot create any works from the heart. No more heartfelt words, no more heartfelt lines. All because the heart has gone numbed in the freezing cold of the winter gale.

That's why a couple of months back. I was surprised that I could just create my own lyrics using the song melody of Fish Leong's 情歌. I have never learn to create melodies, which really needs talents and training, but lyrics wise, I have enough confidence that I'm able to write them into a song, albeit with mistakes(as pointed out by Eileen). It didn't take long for me. Basically because the first stanza is actually written based on a dream I had that previous night, no. A nightmare to be precise, seeing someone getting married to another.

So once the first stanza came out, the rest is easy. All I did was to re-enact what will happen after that dream in my mind, and it all comes out. Composed the whole lyrics in less than half an hour, spare another 20 minutes for refining the sentence structure and choosing of certain words.

Don't ask me why I had chosen Fish Leong's 情歌 melody as a base for my new lyrics. This secret is one of the many I will bring into my grave.

--------------------------

Life is fragile.  Everything is so transient. I am not sounding pessimistic here. Just stating a fact. The only constant in the whole universe is changes. Our thoughts change every split second. Our feelings change. Our emotions change. Our cells change. Nothing, stays unchanged forever.

Live for the moment. The past has past. The future is not even here. We should only live at each current moment. That's is why it is called the 'Present'.

Yet, I'm still being tied by the past. Restricted by the future. Even the present, I do not find much strength to live in. Strength and energy has been sapped by everything around me. Even as I type, the very few pillars holding me up are trembling and crackling under the strain..........

Have you ever thought about what your pillars of support are??

Mine?? Parents, Love, Friends, Religion. That's it. 4 pillars holding me up right now.

Parents, don't need to say. This pillar will always be standing while my parents are still alive.
Friends. Has been eroded quite badly by acid rain. But its still up and strong. I still have my close friends, and some friends whom I know are truly worth knowing and trusting.
Religion. This shall be the only 1 true pillar that can support me when all else has collapse. At least I can be very certain that, (to put it in a very blunt and not-very-respectful way), at least statues of wood, clay and bronze will never have any intention to harm and hurt and betray me.
Love. Sigh. The pillar, which I have used up countless tonnes of cement, countless time and energy rebuilding, reconstructing and patching so that it will not collapse completely.

What about you? What are your pillars holding you up in your life??

--------------------------

Tonight, I'm thinking of you more than usual.

Not a good sign.

And as expected, yes, I'm having insomnia again tonight. Lol. Look at the time, its 5 mins to 3am.

当你孤单你会想起谁?
*我知道你不会想我，可是我想的人一定是你*
Sigh.

*********************

想你的心  想你的人 

想你在早晨 想你在黄昏

我无时无刻 无心无魂地想你

我愿意忍 我是认真

对你的爱一天天地加深

哪怕结果会残害我一生

火热的心 水不熄风吹不冷

只希望能 和你共度一生

本来想早一点睡的。可是还是睡不着。

--------------------------

这几天想了一些事。我发现我真的坚强了很多。真的很多。可能是这几个星期发生的事让我无意间变得坚强起来了吧。

Shall I be happy or shall I be sad about that??

我不知道。心情很复杂。真的。还是play it cool吧!至少我已经在play cool了。换成以前，我现在已经抓狂了。。。。。

--------------------------


唉，Eileen又不开心了。我还真是没用。不，应该说是无药可救。不应该问东问西有的没的，其实应该安慰她的。毕竟女孩子遇到这种事一定心里非常难过的。我竟然又做错了。。。


真的是苯猪一只。难怪至今没有女朋友。

希望她今晚能好好的睡觉吧。也希望不会那么严重吧! 可惜，这种事情我完全没有办法暗中帮忙的。毕竟我所知道的所有法术都没有弄这个的。

Sigh.


--------------------------

真的很好笑。昨天幸子姐姐带我去"问事"。在我家附近而已。我毕竟没有很多事情想问，因为我对人生中所求的东西不多。我是一个“清心寡欲”的仙人。哈哈哈! 开玩笑。不过世俗的事我的确不会追求得太多。所以就问了姻缘。其实也不是时候问的，因为我现阶段的生活是一团糟，怎么可能会有女孩子肯跟我在一起呢？

哪知道，他开口的第一句话竟然是 ：“你结婚了没有？”

Of course not! If not I ask you for my 姻缘 for what?!

他说我的姻缘其实已经在身边了。有没有搞错？！ 我的姻缘已经到了？！？！？ 安慰我还是寻我开心啊？！

“不会吧？我一点都不知道。”
 “嗯，有了。而且还是从7月(去年)就有了。”

呆若木鸡。难以致信。甚至是晴天霹雳。

“我真的没有注意到啊!”
“有的啦! 这几天就会知道了。”

呆若木鸡。难以致信。又来了一次的晴天霹雳。

。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。

其实这是在后面的。前面他马上就说我的命其实很顺，还问我到底在烦什么。
6月跟9月会犯小人。不要轻易相信人，不要随便做担保人。会有官非之难。
然后他又看了看，又说第二次，“你的命很不错的，你还在乱什么？”

无语。
所以之后我才决定问姻缘的。哪里知道竟然会出现这么一段插曲。


月老!红娘!你们在玩我吗？！我以前在天上的时候该不会是得罪过你们吧？！？！？！

/FACEPALM /WRIST ONE MILLION TIMES

--------------------------

Sigh. Still cannot sleep. Despite being exhausted.

I guess Eileen's gone to bed already. Hope she's not overly upset. =(
有点难过。

************************

For Eileen...............................

宁静的夏天
天空中繁星点点
心里头有些思念
思念着你的脸

我可以假装看不见
也可以偷偷的想念
直到让我摸到你那温暖的脸

知了也睡了
安心的睡了
在我心里面宁静的夏天

那是个宁静的夏天
你来到宁夏的那一天

知了也睡了
安心的睡了
在我心里面宁静的夏天~~~~~~~~~~

谎言。面具。虚假。

我发现啊。我越来越会说谎了。我越来越会带着假面具。我的表情变得越来越虚假。


我对自己撒谎已经到了超一流的境界。而间接导致我对某些我非常不愿意撒谎的人说假话。

我带着的面具，已经几乎完美到别人无法猜透我真正的内心世界 。

我那虚假的表情，已经让我无法从内心真正发出笑容出来。


早几年，我是绝对不会做出这些的。我一直认为。人与人相处，应该是坦然的、不隐藏的、肝胆相照的、心心相印的。

谁知。。。现在。。。。。。我已经和社会“同流合污”了。


没有办法啊! 这是必然的。否则，我已经会做出一定让我后悔、遗憾终生的事。绝对会的。就像我前几天写的。第xx个让我遗憾一生的事。

就套一句Eileen说过的话吧。"Because after all, some things are better left unsaid".




我看，今晚又是睡不着了。3个星期来的第11次。。。。。。。。。。。

Was that meant to let me know? That my concerns are unfounded?? Well, in any case, since you've put it that way, then I'll feel more at ease.



-------------------------

That day, after seeing Penny at temple a week ago, I finally manage to spot her online and chatted with her. Didn't chat for long. She left quite soon into the conversation. At least I managed to ask that her shoulder is indeed better. One more thing off my mind. She has gotten more prettier as the days pass. Almost everyone complimented how pretty she looked. Except me. Stupid piece of wooden blockhead.

-------------------------

Yesterday after temple went to eat dinner with god-sis and her mother. After which we walked around Chinatown looking at the CNY stuff. So many people. Then helped god-sis buy groceries and bring up to her house, and helped them change their lights. Then hear them talk about god-sis's late dad and NKF.
Sigh.
A person's passing do affect their loved ones for a long time.
They invited me for dinner at their house this coming saturday, and after that go walk 春到河畔 at Marina. At the very first instant, my first thought was whether Eileen and the other guys will be organising any outings or not, especially watching Imaginarium of Dr Pa-whatever his name is. I know whatever respond I give, I will definitely regret either one of them. So I accepted their invitation. At least I know, they need company, they need my company more than Eileen and the rest do. Especially since "god-sis" already said she treated me like a half brother le, I will feel very horrible if I reject them and open myself free for a "probably-wouldn't-even-invite-me outing" with the guys.

-------------------------

After 2 long games of COH with Boon and SJ, they suddenly asked if I'm free for dinner tomorrow. Wonder what's up. I hope we're not going to have yet more talks. Anyway gonna eat dinner with them at AMK, so yay! I can go buy Koi Cafe Bubble tea to drink before meeting them. Unfortunately, Boon cannot eat heaty food 'cause he's still recovering from sickness, no Popeye's Chicken. =( I guess its going to be the usual S11 again.

-------------------------

Oh yeah, my less than 2 year old viewsonic LCD monitor spoilt this morning. Sianz. Spent $250 to buy a new LG 21.5" LCD monitor. The colors and brilliance of the new monitor wow-ed me. Maybe the previous monitor was failing, that's why its colors and contrast become more dull as the days past. Still, my screen is now a bigger one, albeit only by 2.5 inches. Still looks wow. At least its not a ill-spent money.

-------------------------


内心千言万语，却不知该从何开始。

纵使知道要说些什么，我也应该会把一些话吞回肚子里吧。毕竟，我是一个会把心里话带进棺材的人。

-------------------------

Very envious of others. I still can't talk with eloquence to people. I can't even practice speaking, because no one wants to talk and chat with me anymore. Those who still does, are all much older and we chat on topics like current affairs, or religion, or.. .... .....  Nothing that can let me click with people around my age or younger than me. Working with people at least 10 years older than you when you're in your growing up years has a really adverse and horrible effect on you in years to come. I can no longer click with people around my age or younger than me. Only with people older than me. Much older than me.

/wrist /throat *jump mrt tracks*.

Even making jokes, I'm horrible at them. Often people misunderstood me, or they really take me serious when I'm joking. Do I really portray the image that I'm not one who also jokes? Now end up I don't even dare make a joke or crack something funny. Even if I do try it occasionally, I will just stop it abruptly after seeing the reactions on some people's face.



Stop being so judgemental on me. I'm changing. I'm doing my best. Its not that I do not want to change. I'm not given enough opportunity to. And I'm expected not to make any mistakes. I'm not complaining its harsh. Just treat me like a human with emotions and feelings. Keeping my feelings in check and hidden from you all doesn't mean I'm now made of stone. I still feel things inside.

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Why did I even bother typing all these. Pui. No one cares anyway. Everyone for their own and so few people actually spare a thought for others. I wonder why am I one of those few idiots who contantly think of others and put myself in their shoes and so-ever-hard to think most of them in a good light(when obviously some don't even deserve it).

Listen to song...listen to songs. They are the very few things I can seek solace from in this mundane world.


***************************

因为在一千年以后
世界早已没有我
无法深情挽着你的手
亲吻着你额头
别等到一千年以后
所有人都遗忘了我
那是红色黄昏的沙漠
没有谁
解开缠了千年寂寞

Have you found a meaning in your life?


Yesterday with Eileen and the guys, certain topics struck.

Today having dinner with some of the temple committee and the topic of who's getting married etc comes out.

There it goes.

What is the meaning in your life when you do this. Or when you embark on a different path of your life. Yadah yadah blah blah.



Have you found your meaning in your life?

Frankly speaking, I have. A couple of them. There may be more, and I'm still on my way of discovering them. After all, I'm still young. Not as if I'm expected to step into the coffin any moment.

I do not believe in everyone's life being the same. Getting born, grow up. Study. Work. Start family. Raise child. Grow old. See your children grow up. See your children start their own family. See your grandchildren Die.


So routine. So typical. So........................ animal. Seriously, what difference does it make from being an animal then? Since we all do the same thing, get born, grow up, survive, raise offspring, get old and die.

Life has definitely more meaning that all those.

It is up to us to find it. To discover it. To make it.



One of my meaning in life?
I make a difference in the people I come across in my life. =)