Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I'd stay up and think of you
And I'd wish on a star
That somewhere you are thinking of me too

***************************************************************

Oh yeah. Its exactly 1 week since the promise. 7 more weeks to go.

When was the last time you feel lonely??

Was playing L4D with Boon and SJ. KM can't join us cos he's sick. Sigh. Hope he'll recover soon.

Walked home just now. Well, I didn't exactly walked home from Katong, but took 76 to YCK road before it turns into AMK Ave 3 and I alighted to walk back home. It was a 25 mins walk.

I wasn't feeling as down, but I reckoned I needed the walk. To get used to the solitude again. Often, I had noticed that once I've had fun and enjoyed myself with friends, and when its time to go on our separate ways back home, the loneliness kicks itself back in. And the impact felt became magnified due to the stark contrast between the company you were with and the sudden stillness of being alone.

************************************************************

Wonder if you ever see me
And I wonder if you know I'm there
If you looked in my eyes
Would you see what's inside?
Would you even care?

************************************************************

The impact was greatest at night. At wee hours of the night. When there's so few people walking on the same pavement as you, or the passengers in the buses could be counted with both your hands, and you have enough fingers left to eat some finger food. Eileen told me the other day. "Its during at night when you felt the most lonely". Something like that. I know I wasn't the only one, but she's the first to tell me this in person. A lot of my friends would return to a home with parents, and/or siblings to chat to and share with. Or call up their girlfriends/boyfriends to chatter nineteen to the dozens. Or just hit the sack the moment he enters his room. Or start up the computer to go online or to play that popular game everyone's playing.

How many would end up like me? Sitting here in the middle of the night. Contemplating. Absorbing the solitude. Gazing into the night. Thinking of the shadows. Wondering about the coolness. Pondering about the darkness. Listening for the stillness.

************************************************************

I just wanna hold you close
But so far, all I have are dreams of you
So, I wait for the day and the courage to say
How much I love you

************************************************************

While walking back, I suddenly remembered the song I translated halfway a month ago. 小酒窝 a duet by 林俊杰 and 蔡卓妍. I listened to the song on my ipod touch, while thinking of the rest of the lyrics to be translated while walking. And then reaching home, to complete the whole song. With the help of translation tools for certain verbs. Do sing it using the original music. I've translated the song so it follows the music as well.

Small Dimple - JJ Lin and Ah Sa

I am still searching

My dependance, and someone to hug

Who will pray for me, worry for me

Or be angry or get vexed

Happiness starts its omen

Fate slowly embezzled both of us

Then solitude got swallowed up

Boredom morphed into topics, changes are here

Small dimples long eyelash

Are your prettiest features

I can't sleep every night, remembering your smile

You've no idea you're so important to me

Now with you my life has become complete

Small dimple long eyelash

Enchant till incurable

I slowed down my footsteps like I'm intoxicated

Found the beauty of our hearts connect at last

Feeling warmth for the rest of my life

I will love you for ever

**********************************************************

When was the last time you feel lonely?

I feel lonely now.

*********************************************

但是天总会黑,人总要离别
谁也不能永远陪谁
而孤单的滋味,谁都要面对
不只是你我会感觉到疲惫

***********************************

笑 。忘 。忧 。

想笑来伪装掉下的眼泪

点点头承认自己会怕黑..........................

*******************************************

原本以为我写不出什么的。却在见到了一个人的笑容时忽而有感。

那天他心情还算不错了。比起几天前好了许多许多。让我心中的一些忧虑消失了不少。看来他还很期待能够和好友再聚聚。陪着他等他的好友到来。没料到竟然让我见到了意想不到的人。当时我真的有些不知所措。我只知道我的脸红了。吃着面包都会哽着咳嗽了好几次，真是狼狈。

当他和好友在一起的时候，我心中泛起了一丝的温暖。他的眼神变了。他的心情变了。他的笑容更自然了。见到了那真真正正发自内心、毫无造做的笑容，我很欣慰。那种笑容真的很好看。我真心希望他能够笑出更多更多这样的笑容。真的。

-------------------------------------------------

前几天，在facebook看到她的朋友tag她的照片。原来她的一个朋友过二十一岁生日。看到她在照片里的笑容，我的心情很复杂。开心伴着一阵阵的伤感。欣慰带着一丝丝的遗憾。心中又升起了酸酸的醋意。她在两张照片里面，那种人人司空见惯的小动作，对我来说是一种很大的打激。

痛。

-------------------------------------------------

其实我找他是想说出来的。也许他骂我的时候我心情会好一点。也许他叫我放弃她的时候我会觉得没那么痛。不过我就是开不了口。反而跟他说些有的没的。不过我还是蛮感激他的。因为我和他在一起时，心情确实没那么低落了。也没想那么多了。其实人真的不能没有朋友。就像他，见到了好友整个人变得很愉快，很放松。平日他放在肩膀上的负担也似乎在好友面前变轻了。

今晚就会见我从中学到现在的好友了。去玩L4D。不知，我，是否能够跟他一样？放下一切，从心中发出那种温馨的笑容。

******************************************

爱笑的天使嘴角上扬
混然不觉兀自安详
不惹尘埃不起风浪
在你身上我看到了光

Geeks, the Gathering

Alright. I'm now at Shijie's house. 7am in the morning. And we didn't sleep for the whole night.

Yesterday, went lunch with Ewan at Hougang 805 western food. Then after chatting for a while, we decided to head to sing at Hougang Plaza Kbox. Pics are all in facebook. LOL.

After that went to temple. No, after that, I went home to bathe, change and head to temple.

I'm alone leading the session again. Thank heavens I was only late for 5mins.

After I've finished my temple duty, I took MRT to Yishun to meet up with Boon and SJ. Wow. Its been over a year since I last came to Yishun and Northpoint has changed so much. Think I'll come to see the new mall someday again.

Walked to Xin Wang Cafe. On time. 11pm. Called SJ, they still at home. (--")

After they arrived, we ate, and chatted...
...
......
.........

Somehow our conversation headed to the discussion of all time. Newtonian Laws, Relativity, Earth's Motion, Airplane within a closed system on Earth. Distance travelled, Speed of Airplane, Time difference.. etc. etc. etc.

A freaking 2 hour discussion. All the geek discussion.
Suddenly I thought I had become one of the characters in Big Bang Theory.

2am, we left and walked to SJ's house. Setup our stuff and played dota for 3+ hours.

But quite cool. I think we might be going for a trip to Taiwan next year. Will have discussion on it in the future. Yeah. Looking forward to visit Taiwan again. =)

***************************************

Think the effects of the 2 cups of iced yuan yang hasn't worn off yet. My eyes are feeling a little bit tired, but my mind is still quite alert. Don't have to give tuition today, so at least I can rest later during the day.


Suddenly I realised I'm not blogging what I wanted to blog earlier on. And I've forgotten what I wanted to blog about. *facepalm*

****************************************

找不到坚强的理由
再也感觉不到你的温柔
告诉我星空在那头
那里是否有尽头

The Promise

Horrendous.
Tonight is a roller coaster ride for my emotions. Free ticket. 4 hour long ride. How cool.


*********************************************************


Well, at least now when I went back to read Eileen's blog entry, I can feel what that post is supposed to bring across.

Its weird, how I've been using an innate sense to feel things rather than using the mind to analyse. I feel people more than anything else.
Now it turns to feeling what people's been writing. Ok. Its not a new thing anyway. There were times I felt for the actor in the movie, or the character in that particularly heartbreaking novel. Or those articles on the newspapers where I can really feel the hurt and pain from those people in it.

Oh well. Tomorrow's a big day. There's gonna be another THE TALK with my close friends again. Sigh.

I hope things wouldn't go terribly wrong.


Insomnia. As usual............



*************************************************************

So I've made a promise to Eileen. Which further upgraded to a challenge. We're going to lose 5kg weight over a period of 2 months starting today. Or rather yesterday. Due date would be 31st Aug, 2nd day of the commencement of her school.

Was hoping she was aware what she's doing will be a little bit damaging to her body, especially the steep curve of weight loss she's going to be engaging in. Well, pray her weight loss will be a gradual decrease over the 2 months and not a sudden drop.

So went for a jog today. The start of fulfilling my promise to Eileen. Guess I covered about 3km jogging. My back starts to ache again. GG. At least it wasn't as painful as when I was still in NS.

Promise. 10 years since I last made a mutual promise with a girl. Hmm. No wait. I just recalled I have made some mutual promises with the wushu girls 4 yrs back.
Heh. Promise.

1st promise in 4 years(with a girl). I will never break it.

***************************************************

4.30am. And still not feeling sleepy. My insomnia is getting worse. Sigh.

To think I've always been nagging at girls to sleep earlier. Must be my retribution.

Bleah.



Life is unfathomable.


吃不能吃睡不能睡
没有了你全都不对
我都学不会把爱敷衍
用笑容来把眼泪催眠

What is it like to have a dormant volcano erupt inside you?

There was a small eruption within me just now, when my close frends msned me.

I burst out at them. Childishly. As before. Without keeping my emotions in check again.


I cannot help it. I was feeling quite awful these few days, and tonight seemed to have escalated to a higher ground, and when they asked if I wanted to catch a movie with them, and when I mentioned Ice Age 3, it went out of redemption.

All my laments. All my frustrations. The hopelessness. The helplessness. All comes torrenting out within. Only it happened in my mind. All the shouting and crying and screaming. Outward appearance-wise, I'm just like typing normally in front of my computer. But the words all comes out on msn.

***********************************************************

So I've decided, I'll catch Ice Age 3 3D either tomorrow afternoon or wednesday afternoon, which ever has lesser people, so I don't have to endure the agony of seeing lovey dovey couples watching the show while I'm watching it alone.

How long has it been, watching a movie all alone by myself. I think the very last movie I catch alone was Cars. Since then I don't catch movies alone by myself, because its really very depressing to do so, when all around you are people with their groups of friends, or family. Or the worst case scenario, couples. I could still remember of the times, I would console myself and say to myself "Its ok. They got their lives, I got mine. This is my life and I'm happy with it"

Ok I lied. There's no way I could console myself with that stupid shit. I would just ignore and concentrate on my popcorn and the movie. After it ends, I'll just walk and not look at anyone else walking out of the theater with me. So pathetic of me.


No mood to continue writing le. I'll blog another day bah.

Geez, another sleepless night. Sigh.


Insomnia =(

My affinity with St Nicholas Girls' School Part III - Its Not The End...YET

The following below is the post i typed in 2007. Here i copied and pasted it...making only minimal editing....
**************************************************************

This part, will be the final part, I swear. Its about the more recent happenings....

Earlier this year, I met Sijie at suntec. Was waiting for my mother and relatives shopping for clothes, then i was standing at this small corner where i can look at ppl walk by without them noticing me...then i saw Sijie walking towards my direction...but she never see me lah...she just walked off without seeing me.......

Huiling...has been in contact with her...at least more frequent than the rest, even though its like errr...once or twice every few months...pathetic hor...wahaha...then last yr played mahjong with her...this yr...she release airplane on us for badminton...wahahah...

Yiwen, call it fate, destiny, or was it my "powers", that one day...i was at suntec macdonalds...using my laptop and reading books..then when i leaving home...i met Yiwen...she going to suntec to meet her frends for dinner...the amazing thing is somehow i was thinking of her in the afternoon at macs...like very long never see her and how she was doing...then evening meet her...powerful...i also astounded myself...wahhah...then toked to her a bit then she left to meet her frends...also met her at our NTUBS outing and talked to her on msn and sms her a bit also...

Emily, my mei mei's mei mei aka my xiao mei mei(even though she die also dun want to be my xiao mei mei)...saw her outside sim lim...she never see me...but i saw her...at 1st i couldn't recognise her...just find her familiar...but when she walked past me...i was like EMILY?!??!??! ok...haha...after that sms-ed her to ask...yeah...it was her...wahahah...and read her blog recently(i read it for the 1st time this yr)..she came to NIE!!! wahhah...ok lah...better dun look for her or wat...if not she'll kill me or something :p

hmmz..i guess that all ba...a bit anti-climax rite?? after reading the previous parts........coz i din reveal everything mah...i can't lah...some is really sensitive and classified stuff...wahaha...if they dun mind...i mind...if they mind...i die...so cannot reveal too much le...wahahaha...

ok...so ends the saga. Will there be a prequel or sequel??? wahahah...prequel not possible lah...but sequel...see how lah.............................................

*** CHIJ St Nicholas Girls' School ***

My affinity with St Nicholas Girls' School Part II - Forget Them Not

The following below is the post i typed in 2007. Here i copied and pasted it...making only minimal editing....
**************************************************************


So, i've left out some parts in Part I, frankly speaking, i'm not too sure myself whether i should put down everything here, will it cause implications?? But since its all mostly in the past, i guess nothing serious will happen lah, not that what had happened has any tremendous effects.......

i shall continue from where i left behind in part I.

2nd encounter with sngs, my dearest Kangming in my class during sec 3...i forgot the reason why, but he started this pen pal thingy with his pri sch classmate. Turned out to be...yupz..sngs...WSL(pardon me for not revealing full name...but i decided to keep these minor details secret, of which only my close frends will know), she was studying in 3Loyalty '97. Of course...was in boys school mah...naturally most of us was pretty excited at this idea...including me...wahaha...so i was in this pen pal thing as well. My pen pal was Sijie. Corresponded with her a few times via letter before i finally gotten an internet account and started talking to her in IRC(IRC was the 'in' thing that time). Also went with Kangming to meet with Suling and had several talks with her(she needed some advice), actually the one doing the talking most of the time was Kangming and her...wahahah...then slowly, i(and Kangming, and Boon) slowly got to know the other girls in 3L. They were like...err...sister hood of some sort. 9 of them in all if i remember correctly. Suling, Sijie, Elsa, Sylvia, Zhijun, then the other 4 we didn't really see/meet/know them. Then by some freak chance, Boon's crush(since Pri sch) Kat was also in 3L. Then through Kat we also gotten to know Huiling(Kat's name is also Huiling, they just had different surnames and Kat got christian name, then Boon and Kangming secretly named them cat and dog so we would know which one we're toking abt). Then through Huiling i slowly got to know people from her CCA, SNCO, St Nicholas Chinese Orchestra. In SNCO, i've gotten to know, Liyun, Jiaqi(she's quite pretty), Daisy, then '99 batch is Huili, Zhiling and Jiahui(dun really know her well, only talked to her a few times when she came to CJC for 1st 3 months), then '00 batch is only Shulin, '01 batch, Angeline nai nuer and Sining nai nuer, '02 batch is Khaiqing, '03 batch got Emily and Yingying(nu er). Most of the people in SNCO i know through IRC channel #snco. I was the pioneer batch of #snco and helped someone with the registration. Then from #snco i also gotten to know other sngs girls as well, Angeline mei nu(wah..i really forgot how i noe her liaoz), Yiqi, Yuqi, Marianne(the last 2 is also my nai nuer), last but not least, Xianning and her cousins Jiehui and Jinghui.........

Ok, pretty long right??? that's why i decided to split it up...and for those who got the endurance to read until here..i'll give you a special bonus......the list of the girls i once liked................

Sijie, Huiling, Huili, Khaiqing, Sining, Xianning....................


anyway...besides them...there's also this sngs girl i like in NTU..she's in the same cca as me, NTU Buddhist Society, Yiwen................but i let her go that time...coz that time i still no confidence in myself.......and well...she gotten attached not too long after...........

so now...this is about the affinity i have with girls from SNGS. Though i do have female frends from other schools as well, but they belong to a minority. Most of my female frends still comes from SNGS(well...that ratio will soon be changed i guess...once i gotten out to work)...

that's all i'm putting in this part...but i think there's a part 3 coming up...wahahah...but it'll be short lah...quite short....ok?? so watch out for part 3!!!

My affinity with St Nicholas Girls' School Part I - How It All Began

The following below is the post i typed in 2007. Here i copied and pasted it...making only minimal editing....
**************************************************************

Right, after so so so long of no update, i finally updated. Yeah. haha...and after coming back, i'm suddenly writing abt SNGS??? wahaha...oh well...whether got ppl read or not...let them read. Its not as though i'm writing something terrible or wat...

ok...sngs...this post is about sngs.................not really lah...actually should be my affinity with sngs...why in the hell would i suddenly write abt sngs?? well...just a week ago, met up with some sec sch frends...and we mentioned abt sngs...and my apparantly "close" relationship with sngs...wahahh...actually...come to think of it...out of all my female frends...a lot does come from sngs...................ok...lets not get out of point...

St Nicholas Girls' School. SNGS. St Nicks. St nics. SNG. SN.

1st of all, lets get this straight. I'm a guy, period. Never went through any sex operation or natural mutation to turn into the opposite sex. Secondly, I have no cousins who studied in sngs. Thirdly, I studied in a boys' school, so how the hell did I know sngs ppl???

Wellllllllllllllllllllllll...like i said, this post is abt my affinity with sngs. I'd say its really affinity(in chinese is 缘份 yuan2 fen4)...must say properly coz the dictionary meanings of affinity is..

A natural attraction, liking, or feeling of kinship.
Relationship by marriage.
An inherent similarity between persons or things. See Synonyms at likeness.
Biology : A relationship or resemblance in structure between species that suggests a common origin.
Immunology : The attraction between an antigen and an antibody. <--- wat the hell??? Chemistry : An attraction or force between particles that causes them to combine.

anyway, lets proceed on with this post.

1st of all, I would guess my 1st connection with sngs is during pri 6...sec 1...ok...make that between pri 6 and sec 1...haha...was studying in a not well known pri sch...and my batch was the 1st batch that produced the best results in PSLE throughout the history of the school(at least, that was wat we heard, but subsequently, our juniors seems to pick up from there and we wasn't the best anymore......but its ok...we're the 1st!!!wahaha), 10 ppl getting more than 250points in PSLE...lets see...1 got 260, 2 got 259, 1 got 255, 2 got 254, 1 got 253 and i think got 1 got 251 and another got 250...wait a min...that's not ten ppl...fine..i can't exactly remember since its so long ago(more than 10 yrs)...but i'm sure i've got the ppl from 254 onwards correct(becoz mine was 254)...most of them from my class lah...then the one who topped was Wendy. Can't remember her surname, but yeah...it was wendy...kept calling wendy witch...wahaha...so bad...she very quiet one lah...then heard she went to sngs...that's my 1st connection with sngs...my pri sch classmate went to sngs(ok...that's a bit stretched coz i never contact her coz no contact and the only time i saw her was a gathering during jc)

2nd encounter with sngs, my dearest Kangming in my class during sec 3...i forgot the reason why, but he started this pen pal thingy with his pri sch classmate. Turned out to be...yupz..sngs...WSL(pardon me for not revealing full name...but i decided to keep these minor details secret, of which only my close frends will know), she was studying in 3Loyalty '97. Of course...was in boys school mah...naturally most of us was pretty excited at this idea...including me...wahaha...so i was in this pen pal thing as well. ------------------ ok...this story will be continued as it will span a period of abt 8 yrs...yes...until now...so i'll cut it off for now until the next post

3rd encounter with sngs. I can still remember this. Coz its my 1st time(and the only time. *sob sob*) i got approached by a girl...its like this...was in computer club back in cat high(oh ya...forgot to mention...i studied in a boys' school...and its name was......err...IS Catholic High School)...now computer club...actually the full name was computer appreciation club and its abbreviation was COMAC...so was in comac...and went for this competition in VJC. Then i spotted her amongest the sngs team. *sidetrack a bit, that period of time...morning take bus to sch...almost everyday see her in the bus, and also happened to see her name on nametag, YYT...blue, means she was sec 2, 1 yr younger than me* so i kinda looked at her for a while...then continued with my frends lah..then after the competition when we were having the refreshments, i was alone(forgot why already) then she came and approach me and introduced herself to me...as my chinese name was a bit hard to remember and sounds a bit weird(if u use the correct pronounciation)...i told her my eng name..which is Jupiter...her face like immediately changed and said she dun go irc one(irc was the in-thing then)..then i said its my real name...then she like gave me this 'i-dunno-how-to-describe-it-to-you' face and walked off...and thus i never see her again even on the bus.......................... epilogue : last i heard, she was studying in NTU material engineering. but i never see her in NTU...assuming wat i heard is accurate lah...

4th encounter : CJC 1st 3 months. Kangming should know her coz she was his pri sch classmate also.. Lin YY...i dun really wish to tok abt her...coz i dun noe her that well and...frankly speaking...i find her too...err...exaggerated...even km gave me a pained look when i told him i got YY as my classmate...wahhaha...then another person...can't remember her name coz she left CJC and went NJ or HCJC after that...but she was pretty close to me that time(close as in frendship close...nothing else)...also got Pris, know her thru the close frend...the 2 sngs girls in class s10(after 1st 3 months...but i never know them lah)...and after 1st 3 months...only 3 girls in my class(sob sob) and 2 of them from sngs...during 2nd yr...the non-sngs girl retained in yr1...so my class only consists of sngs girls!!!! (only 2 lah...)...one of them was half thai...she power lah...1st yr valentine's day heard she got more than 10 presents...and some of them from yr2 seniors somemore...so u can imagine she's more than those average looking gal u see on the streets...(but i not interested in her...why?? u'll find out soon)...anyway...no contact with any of them now lah...

5th encounter : NTU...hall 2 FOC...OG gal got 1 sn girl...OMG...i forgot her name for the time being...wahhaha...anyway...nothing much to say abt...and also no contact already *i remembered her name liaoz...but i'm not telling...no one knows who she is anyway......oh...maybe someone will noe...haha*

6th encounter : NTUBS...main comm 03-04...our dear treasurer...was from sngs...then njc...then ntu accountancy...then now working.......as an auditor...sigh...y auditor??? very slogging life.....anyway...ya...i was actually quite surprised to see one sngs gal in ntubs...y?? coz ALL the gals i noe from sngs...mostly is free-thinker(by choice and not by birth) or christians/catholics...so was pretty surprised lah............ok fine...chastise me off for sterotyping...watever... *secret*...wanna hear secret??? wahahah...confirm wanna hear rite...coz being kaypoh is mostly a human trait......got this period of time i liked her lah...but then..........well...to cut story short.......she got attached but not with me...ok...full stop...more abt her in the upcoming parts...wahhahah

is that all??? i guess so...although the 2nd encounter will make this post a hell lot longer...so i decided to split it and put it in part 2!! part 2 coming up.................

Settling the past .... bit by bit ...

Ok. Some entries back, I mentioned about my love life. The first half of it. So to speak. Ok. Its not going to be the entire first half. Reason being it stretches way back until my Pri 5 life. There was an incident then that lasted until end of Pri 6. It was the start of everything. But, perhaps I am still reluctant to reveal it now. I doubt I've never even told Boon they all about it. Nevermind that. Maybe when the time comes, I will bring it up, and let it go as I'm supposed to when i left Yio Chu Kang Pri Sch in 1994.

Ok. First half of my love life. So-called love life. I don't even know what to call it. Pathetic isn't it? I has actually typed out the summary of it 3 years ago. Only I never published it in my old blog. Now I decided to publish it. And let it all go. Once and for all.

So bear with me. The following few entries are going to be some memories of the past. After I've edited them to date. They will be up online.

Till then, please bear with me.


And,

Sijie, Suling(Eleanor), Huiling, Elsa, Sylvia, Kat, Liyun, Zhijun, Huili, Zhilin, Shulin, Khaiqing, Xianning, Sining, Angeline, Emily, Jinghui, Jiehui, Jiaqi, Daisy, Siqi, Yiqi, Yuqi, Marianne, all those girls I've known and chatted in #loyalty and #sngs and #snco, Yiwen, Yanting, Natalie, Huili(CJC), Yingying, Pricilla............................

I thank you all for being in my life. Letting me experience stupidity, foolishness, how it feels to like someone, how it feels to be rejected, how it feels to lose to another guy, how fun and interesting it is to be with girls.........

Thank you all. =)

I sense a disturbance in the force...

Ok. I need help. Serious help.

Its been more than a week I can't sleep at night. Until its freaking late like 3+am at least. This is an alarming phenomenon. It wouldn't have mattered if I was out with frends and returned home at wee hours therefore explaining the fact I couldn't sleep earlier if I wanted to. However, another fact points out that I also couldn't sleep earlier despite being at home before 12. Am I having insomnia?? That is bad.

It doesn't help that I had a, I couldn't find the words, disturbing dream last night. After finally falling asleep after 3.20am, I dreamt of my late grandmother. It was so surreal. I know in dreams, things always look and feel so surreal, but amongst the surreal feel. There was also the familiarity and sense of comfort when I see my grandmother. I felt like it was back when I was still very young, despite appearing my current age and physical size in the dream. My grandmother and I went for a walk. At places I can assume is shopping malls. There was someone else besides us, but I had absolutely no idea who he was and wat he was doing with us. The final moments with my grandmother was heart wrenching. When we're about to separate(the setting of the dream was that I'm leaving her to get on a plane), I asked her where she is currently. She told me she was in hell. I was very shocked and I guess she didn't want me to worry and continued to explain herself that she was in the '平民区' of hell. (For those who have no idea what it means, its just a designated area/town/country in hell that inhabited spirits whose merits and demerits balanced out therefore they could neither go heaven/or Buddhalands nor are they subjected to punishment in hell, so they stay in the netherworld's 平民区 which is very much like our human realm environment.) I was heartbroken and while being walked up the plane by the unknown companion, I was wailing like a baby and cried out loudly to my grandmother these very words, "我一定会修行成就来救你".

When I woke from my dreams, I started to cry. Silently. Mother was outside in the living room and I don't wish to let her get distressed over my crying and lest know I had a dream about my late grandmother. The last time she had a dream about my grandmother she cried for a good half hour and called all my aunts to tell them about it, only to cry more while relating the dream to them. Thought of the times my grandmother used to wait for me to wake up so she can go eat breakfast with me. Thought of the times my grandmother used to hold my hands while we cross the traffic light. Thought of the times my grandmother used to walk with me........................
And I was thanking the unknown companion with us in the dream. For I realised he's one of the 鬼神 either protecting me while bringing me to see my grandmother or escorting my grandmother to visit me for the very first time since she passed away.................

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The time now is 2.52am. And I still can't feel any sleepiness creeping up to me. I had, been going around town for half the day, with the exception for the couple of hours I was having my early dinner while reading my just bought novel. First I had went down to Orchard Borders to look for some books, then followed by Kinokuniya. Then back to Borders again to buy one of the books, and back to Kino to get my own book. Went to funan for an early subway dinner, read my novel until i got struck with a realisation(to prepare a gift for a friend I treasure). Then walked over to the Times Bookstore opposite to find yet another book, then walked to Suntec City Harris Bookstore, Marina Square Times, Citylink MPH, Raffles City MPH, Bugis Junction Kino(detoured to Bras Besar Popular along the way only to find its closed for the day), and finally taking mrt to Vivocity and finally found the title I'm looking for at PageOne. Ended up I decided to get the book on another day cause I needed to work out my idea for that gift, but at least I know where I can find that book. I can hardly express my fatique my physical body is feeling, especially after walking for so long, but still its just not making me sleepy enough to sleep at an earlier time.

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我的感觉
像小说忽然写到结局那一页
我不愿承认缘份已肠思枯竭
逼迫自己时光倒回
要美梦永远远离心碎

It doesn't help that I haven't spoken to her in person for more than a month, haven't msn her for more than 3 months, haven't sms her for more then 3 weeks.
I even stopped looking at her facebook profile on a daily basis hoping for any updates from her.
I still like her a lot. Immensely. Insanely. Inimitably. A lot.

However, amidst the strong feelings towards her, there's also the underlying massive dismay and dreadful disappointment felt.

Sijie was the first girl I officially liked and woo and there was close contact between us(before the rejection that is). Huiling and I were close enough, especially during the periods she confided in me with all her problems she was facing in her jc and class(until she got attached and I confessed to her too late). Huili mei and I was close, as cyber siblings which was a result of a horrible pathetic attempt of getting close to her, until a freak accident with the Telco ended up with her waking up to more than 50sms and our kor-mei friendship ended abruptly. Sining nuer, Khaiqing, Xianning, at least I can say we chatted often enough to become friends(until my feelings made it awkward to everyone). Claire almost being the closest female friend I can have, and since then, Eileen being the first girl I'm closest with for the past ten years.

I am never as close to her as any of the girls mentioned above before!!!

I couldn't hold a lasting conversation with her in real person. Even chatting in msn which started out well in the past has now been reduced to a couple of lines and then silence. No, scrap that, she's so seldom online and even on the rare occasion that she is, I couldn't even find a topic to start the conversation on.

All its been reduced to looking at her update her photo albums in facebook depicting her having outings with her SIM classmates and all.
And me lamenting why on earth I had to know her through the temple, and no through workplace, or school, or some other places where we could have common friends with the same age group and with the same interests or similiar backgrounds.

I guess part of my insonmia comes from this.




Its 3.35am on the clock. I guess I can go lie down and maybe I'll float to sleep.
Even though I'm still not feeling sleepy.



我除了你 我除了疯 我没有后悔
我一哭全世界为我落泪
在冷得没有你的孤绝
我闭上双眼用泪去感觉
你的包围

A small late night chatter between blogs

思绪不断阻挡着回忆播放
盲目的追寻仍然空空荡荡
灰蒙蒙的夜晚睡意又不知躲到哪去
一转身孤单已躺在身旁

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just the other day i went to look at the list of posts in my old blog. and discovered that while it had been updated with the various everyday life incidents and thoughts i had since 2003, there was some posts which i drafted but never posted them up at all, despite having decided to blog them down and post it on my blog. I guess i just gave up on it coz no one was reading my blog then, not that i do want ppl to read it, still, i wanted some ppl to read those 3 particular posts.

that 3 post that speaks a lot of my.........well. love life. the 1st half of my love life. sort of. in summary.

given my personality and character(and after that incident in pri sch which scarred me with the harsh reality of girl-reject- guy-and-guy-screw-himself-up-with-stupidity-actions), it would have been miraculous that i managed to noe some girls despite going to a boys' school.

i found out that miracles do happen on earth.

however, the miracle ended up being perfect ingredients for a destined path of self destruction for me. due to mis-informed information, self-delusions and highly fairy-taled fantasy thoughts, i ended up becoming one of the most pathetic homosapien in dealing with the opposite sex.


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it had really occured to me that i could never ever interact with a girl ard my age the normal way other guys are enjoying. to them its natural. its part of their lives. its just a social norm. to me its a fairy tale.

thus refering back to some posts back in this new blog. i was really very surprised(pleasantly) and happy that i finally met a gal i can be myself. and interact quite well(given my standards) with her and around her. well, despite having a poor and rather, horrendous beginning.

last week, after a couple of meeting ups with Eileen. i came home and suddenly wondered when was the last time i had been on a 'close' relations with a girl like me and Eileen now. yes, i noe its nowhere near to close, but given my past records, its like a freaking Guiness World Record being broken since eons. Anyway i've digressed. One gal floated into my mind.

the girl who really could have been a very close and good frend to me. whom i met in cjc. Claire Tan Shujuan. a nice, bubbly gal. i guess she was the closest to being wat i can call a female buddy to me then. despite being in different class, and knowing her thru my sec sch frends, i was more closer to her than with anyone else in my class, heck, the whole school. and there was this period of time i considered wooing her. but out of consideration of my frend who's attracted to her, i willingly drop out of the 'race'. well, ended up she got hitched with another classmate of hers, and since i got this damn weird notion that i musn't get close with gals who are attached, therefore i gotten myself distant from her. well. so ends the potential close female frendship i have, and thus scoring zero on the total counts of female close frends i have.


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Should i repost the 3 drafts which was intended to be posted but never did?
i had them transfered over to the new blog though, saved as drafts.

Repost the story, so that i can finally get it over and done with.



Over and done with.


Ending the past chapter once and for all.

Turn over the page and start with a blank page.

For a new chapter.

With a different ending to the chapter.


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想回到过去
试着抱你在怀里
羞怯的脸带有一点稚气
想看你的看的世界
想在你梦的画面
只要靠在一起就能感觉甜蜜
想回到过去
试着让故事继续
至少不再让你离我而去
分散时间的注意
这次会抱得更紧
这样挽留不知还来不来得及
想回到过去

久违了的困惑。是迷茫？是愚痴？还是.........

跟大夥儿去看transformers 2 : revenge of the fallen.
这部片还蛮不错的。只不过我仍然无法接受电影制作单位把我从小异常喜欢的transformers的造型改得“面目全非”。

今天忽然觉得不对劲。是心理？是生理？我不知道。不过好像被Eileen发现了。不过也难怪，她的观察能力还是非常的锐利。我也没有特别隐藏(虽然是有装做那些只是我平时的怪动作之一)。虽然有点不可能，不过也许让她担心了？我想我得找个机会向她道歉吧。

陪他们走到plaza sing的停车场，就跟他们道别了。大概我知道我不能在装下去了吧。还好呢，刚走不了几步就差点想呕吐出来。从plaza sing走了出来，马上对准自己的心狠狠地打了一拳。好像比较好了。看来应该是那些锁在我灵魂深处不能浮现的。。。。。。。

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在回家了路上，摸着右腿里的那两粒肉块。跟去年比起来好像又更近了。不知道几年后会不会合成一粒肉块。希望不会是肿瘤，不是恶性肿瘤。。。。

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这些日子来，遇到了一些人，谈过了某些事。虽然表面上看似满不在乎，不过有些话还是能让我思潮起伏。仿佛一片大海被强风掀起了滔滔大浪。天啊，我真的不配说自己是佛教徒，更不能说是修习禅定的。真是个失败的人啊。。

心中真的有很多很多的思维。但是不知真该从何说起。也有很多很多不能说出来的话。对她，还有她。绝对不能说的。

或许今天我就用这首歌的部分歌词来表达一些我不敢在生活中表达的一些情感。因为怕她们会发现。。。。。

一首很好听的歌，也是我从其中一个她msn那里认识的歌。

林峰 & 泳儿 - 明天以后


你拯救我的寂寞我的痛我的梦
在你的面前我不必保留 还来不及对你说 迟到的我的心动

我不要你离开我

我对你感觉胜过爱情
因为有你给我勇气给我用不完的运气 其实也想好好爱你
我不怕会伤心
对不起我对你再好再亲密都不能在一起
最后看你在别人怀里 我并不是你的唯一
还微笑祝福你

爱情总让人折磨 所以我们才选择 做比情人更好的朋友

我对你感觉胜过爱情。。。
我对你感觉胜过爱情。。。。。
我对你感觉胜过爱情。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。

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我对她/她，到底感觉如何？