谎言。面具。虚假。

我发现啊。我越来越会说谎了。我越来越会带着假面具。我的表情变得越来越虚假。


我对自己撒谎已经到了超一流的境界。而间接导致我对某些我非常不愿意撒谎的人说假话。

我带着的面具，已经几乎完美到别人无法猜透我真正的内心世界 。

我那虚假的表情，已经让我无法从内心真正发出笑容出来。


早几年，我是绝对不会做出这些的。我一直认为。人与人相处，应该是坦然的、不隐藏的、肝胆相照的、心心相印的。

谁知。。。现在。。。。。。我已经和社会“同流合污”了。


没有办法啊! 这是必然的。否则，我已经会做出一定让我后悔、遗憾终生的事。绝对会的。就像我前几天写的。第xx个让我遗憾一生的事。

就套一句Eileen说过的话吧。"Because after all, some things are better left unsaid".




我看，今晚又是睡不着了。3个星期来的第11次。。。。。。。。。。。

Was that meant to let me know? That my concerns are unfounded?? Well, in any case, since you've put it that way, then I'll feel more at ease.



-------------------------

That day, after seeing Penny at temple a week ago, I finally manage to spot her online and chatted with her. Didn't chat for long. She left quite soon into the conversation. At least I managed to ask that her shoulder is indeed better. One more thing off my mind. She has gotten more prettier as the days pass. Almost everyone complimented how pretty she looked. Except me. Stupid piece of wooden blockhead.

-------------------------

Yesterday after temple went to eat dinner with god-sis and her mother. After which we walked around Chinatown looking at the CNY stuff. So many people. Then helped god-sis buy groceries and bring up to her house, and helped them change their lights. Then hear them talk about god-sis's late dad and NKF.
Sigh.
A person's passing do affect their loved ones for a long time.
They invited me for dinner at their house this coming saturday, and after that go walk 春到河畔 at Marina. At the very first instant, my first thought was whether Eileen and the other guys will be organising any outings or not, especially watching Imaginarium of Dr Pa-whatever his name is. I know whatever respond I give, I will definitely regret either one of them. So I accepted their invitation. At least I know, they need company, they need my company more than Eileen and the rest do. Especially since "god-sis" already said she treated me like a half brother le, I will feel very horrible if I reject them and open myself free for a "probably-wouldn't-even-invite-me outing" with the guys.

-------------------------

After 2 long games of COH with Boon and SJ, they suddenly asked if I'm free for dinner tomorrow. Wonder what's up. I hope we're not going to have yet more talks. Anyway gonna eat dinner with them at AMK, so yay! I can go buy Koi Cafe Bubble tea to drink before meeting them. Unfortunately, Boon cannot eat heaty food 'cause he's still recovering from sickness, no Popeye's Chicken. =( I guess its going to be the usual S11 again.

-------------------------

Oh yeah, my less than 2 year old viewsonic LCD monitor spoilt this morning. Sianz. Spent $250 to buy a new LG 21.5" LCD monitor. The colors and brilliance of the new monitor wow-ed me. Maybe the previous monitor was failing, that's why its colors and contrast become more dull as the days past. Still, my screen is now a bigger one, albeit only by 2.5 inches. Still looks wow. At least its not a ill-spent money.

-------------------------


内心千言万语，却不知该从何开始。

纵使知道要说些什么，我也应该会把一些话吞回肚子里吧。毕竟，我是一个会把心里话带进棺材的人。

-------------------------

Very envious of others. I still can't talk with eloquence to people. I can't even practice speaking, because no one wants to talk and chat with me anymore. Those who still does, are all much older and we chat on topics like current affairs, or religion, or.. .... .....  Nothing that can let me click with people around my age or younger than me. Working with people at least 10 years older than you when you're in your growing up years has a really adverse and horrible effect on you in years to come. I can no longer click with people around my age or younger than me. Only with people older than me. Much older than me.

/wrist /throat *jump mrt tracks*.

Even making jokes, I'm horrible at them. Often people misunderstood me, or they really take me serious when I'm joking. Do I really portray the image that I'm not one who also jokes? Now end up I don't even dare make a joke or crack something funny. Even if I do try it occasionally, I will just stop it abruptly after seeing the reactions on some people's face.



Stop being so judgemental on me. I'm changing. I'm doing my best. Its not that I do not want to change. I'm not given enough opportunity to. And I'm expected not to make any mistakes. I'm not complaining its harsh. Just treat me like a human with emotions and feelings. Keeping my feelings in check and hidden from you all doesn't mean I'm now made of stone. I still feel things inside.

-------------------------

Why did I even bother typing all these. Pui. No one cares anyway. Everyone for their own and so few people actually spare a thought for others. I wonder why am I one of those few idiots who contantly think of others and put myself in their shoes and so-ever-hard to think most of them in a good light(when obviously some don't even deserve it).

Listen to song...listen to songs. They are the very few things I can seek solace from in this mundane world.


***************************

因为在一千年以后
世界早已没有我
无法深情挽着你的手
亲吻着你额头
别等到一千年以后
所有人都遗忘了我
那是红色黄昏的沙漠
没有谁
解开缠了千年寂寞

Have you found a meaning in your life?


Yesterday with Eileen and the guys, certain topics struck.

Today having dinner with some of the temple committee and the topic of who's getting married etc comes out.

There it goes.

What is the meaning in your life when you do this. Or when you embark on a different path of your life. Yadah yadah blah blah.



Have you found your meaning in your life?

Frankly speaking, I have. A couple of them. There may be more, and I'm still on my way of discovering them. After all, I'm still young. Not as if I'm expected to step into the coffin any moment.

I do not believe in everyone's life being the same. Getting born, grow up. Study. Work. Start family. Raise child. Grow old. See your children grow up. See your children start their own family. See your grandchildren Die.


So routine. So typical. So........................ animal. Seriously, what difference does it make from being an animal then? Since we all do the same thing, get born, grow up, survive, raise offspring, get old and die.

Life has definitely more meaning that all those.

It is up to us to find it. To discover it. To make it.



One of my meaning in life?
I make a difference in the people I come across in my life. =)

For me and for you, someone I cared for most

真想不到。

减少两个星期跟他们互动。五天的闭门思过。让我看清了某些出乎意料的事情。


不过再次想想，也不能算是不可能的事。毕竟人性就是如此。如果不会发生反而更加不自然。

每个人所做的每一件事情，背后一定会隐藏着agenda或motive. 如果你没有目的，那你绝对不会做的。这就是人性。
因为在这些朋友当中。只有我一个人修行，明白什么是有为，什么是无为，知道应无所住而升其心。但是我还是做不到这些，只因为这些都是不合乎人性的理念。所以，他们更不可能会没有目的去做出决定和动作的。

有些人做事光明正大，有些人做事暗渡陈仓。这是社会现象。但是在他们身上却显得一览无余。


不知道是不是只有我察觉到了，还有已经有别的人也看出了一端？

希望她看出了一些吧。毕竟她就是这所有一切的中心点。

Have you seen it? Have you sensed it? I hope you do. Because I do not wish these things to escalate and overwhelm your  already suffocating life.

Forgive me for adding more frustrations and stress to your life too. I did not realised it. Because I cared. I wanted to help, but ended up doing the opposite. The path of hell is often paved by good intentions. Now I understand.

我想我已经无法像以前那样跟你、你们出去了吧。因为我已经成为圈子以外的人了。



这是我这一生中第六个最大的遗憾。 


.

原谅我。因为我太过拘泥于道德。
原谅我。因为我太过古板。
原谅我。因为我太过老实。
原谅我。因为我不会说话。
原谅我。因为我不够成熟。
原谅我。因为我太过认真。
原谅我。因为我用情太深。
原谅我。因为我太过心软。
原谅我。因为我太过天真。

------------------------------------

我总是认为，男人的天职，就是要保护女人、爱护女人、一生一世地守护着她，不让她受到任何的伤害。

不过这应该是古时候的思想吧。
现在是什么时代了。还会有人像我有着一样的观念吗？一定会被人笑死。

已经不止一个了。已经有几个人都说过我根本不像是活在这个时代的人，而是一个活在古代的一个古人。

悲哀吧？自己竟然是一个出生在错时代的一个怪胎。



如果在古代。我，一定会背着剑，把你从所有一切让你痛苦的事情和环境救出。然后带着你浪迹天涯，过着逍遥自在的生活。过着你想要过的生活。


如果。曾经有人对我说。他从来不对自己说如果(what if)。因为事情已经过去了。想了也无济于事。倒不如把想“如果”的时间用在想想“将来”，不是更有意义吗？好佩服这个人。虽然也想和他一样。不过我还是会一直想着。。。如果。。。


我的前世曾经是一个皇帝(师尊其中的前世)的一个士兵。
我的前世曾经做过道士。
我只知道这两个前世。都是在中国。

------------------------------------

原谅我。因为我太过关心。
原谅我。因为我太过痴情。
原谅我。因为我太过伤感。
原谅我。因为我太过呵护。
原谅我。因为我太过保护。
原谅我。因为我太过真心。


原谅我。因为我太过爱你。。。。。


*************************

解开我
最神秘的等待
星星坠落风在吹动
终于再将你融入怀中
两颗心颤抖
相信我不变的真心
千年等待有我承诺
无论经过多少的寒冬
我决不放手
yi jie na ye so gei qia gou ,nu die ka ma you
nu li sha da hai de na zu ,sai de kai ma yo
nu li mo mu sa da hai so ,ha pa so nie yo
suo lu sa da ha da na yo ,mo te so nie yo
每一夜被心痛穿越
思念永没有终点
早习惯了孤独相随
我微笑面对
相信我你选择等待
再多苦痛也不闪躲
只有你的温柔能解救
无边的冷漠
yi jie na ye so gei qia gou ,nu die ka ma you
nu li sha da hai de na zu ,sai de kai ma yo
nu li mo mu sa da hai so ,ha pa so nie yo
suo lu sa da ha da na yo ,mo te so nie yo
让爱成为你我心中那永远盛开的花
穿越时空决不低头永不放弃的梦
nu li mo mu sa da hai so ,ha pa so nie yo
suo lu sa da ha da na yo ,mo te so nie yo
让爱成为你我心中那永远盛开的花
mu li shu zu hai de na so , yi ji de ma da yo
唯有真爱追随你我穿越无尽时空
so lu sa la ha na ma yo , mo te so nie yo
爱是心中唯一不变美丽的神话

当我不在这个世上的时候，你，会不会记得我？


你，会不会偶尔想起我？





如果换成是我，

我，一定会永远记住你的。而且还会每天想着你。

至少，我，一定会让你活在我的心中，直到我死的那一天，在另一个世界见到你。。。

脆弱中的坚强

The last time I saw Peggy, she was suggesting a KTV outing. The last KTV outing I had with her and Penny was in June last year. Supposedly a memorable outing. Supposedly.

So when Peggy was suggesting a KTV outing, and arrowed me to organise it, my mind immediately thought of Penny. I wonder, if she will want to go sing this time.

I do not know how I will feel when I see Penny again. I do wish to see her though. A lot.

Also, this K session should be an enjoyable one. Especially for Penny. Because I want her to enjoy herself.


**********************************


I may look nonchalant about it all on the outside.
I may appear fine and ok with all the fuss on me.

But deep inside it hurts a lot. Yet I cannot show it out.
I have to be strong. For you.


I have let myself get affected by you too much.

But I cannot help it.



For I have allowed myself to love you too much.

-----------------------------------------

心伤心痛不痛
爱掏空情失控
忘了听你想说什么
少了沟通变苦衷
心伤心痛不痛
爱放纵情放手
忘了问你想要什麽
若给的起我都承受

就只有歌陪伴着度过星期六的夜晚......

不想多说什么。
也没什么好说的。

因为说了等于白说。于事无补。只能怪自己自找的吧。谁叫自己是个怪胎呢。更惨的是心里总是那么的真。对人付出真心，但总是碰壁。
朋友也好，喜欢的人也好。爱的人也好。总是被人误解。被人唾弃。。。。


曾几何时，那个无牵无挂的我不见了？
曾几何时，那个我行我素的我消失了？
曾几何时，那个傲视天下的我死去了？
曾几何时，那个热情洋溢的我冻结了？

----------------------------------

才离开没多久就开始担心今天的你过得好不好
整个画面是你想你想的睡不著
嘴嘟嘟那可爱的模样还有在你身上香香的味道
我的快乐是你想你想的都会笑

没有你在我有多难熬 (没有你在我有多难熬多烦恼)
没有你烦我有多烦恼 (没有你烦我有多烦恼多难熬)
穿过云层我试著努力向你奔跑
爱才送到你却已在别人怀抱

就是开不了口让她知道
我一定会呵护著你也逗你笑
你对我有多重要我后悔没让你知道
安静的听你撒娇看你睡著一直到老

就是开不了口让她知道
就是那么简单几句我办不到
整颗心悬在半空我只能够远远看著
这些我都做得到但那个人已经不是我

Composed a new lyrics for the song 情歌 by 梁静茹. Its a Chinese song, but my composed lyrics are in English.


Last night I dreamt of you in a white wedding dress
Yet I was the one sitting with the guests
The groom was right there at the altar standing next to you
You both swore your vows
And exchange your rings

This morning when I login to my MSN
My heart skipped a beat when your message came
You told me last night he had ask you to be his girlfriend
You nodded and agreed
My heart has just crushed

I quickly wiped off my tears and said that I'm so happy for you
For I love you too much that I just want the best for you

(chorus)
So I choose to stand by your side always
Be the friend you can turn to
Or go bitching
When you have a bad day
And I promise I will always be there
Everytime you need a friend
Or a buddy
To just hang out and chill

(interlude)


When my eyes saw you walking down the pure white aisle
Under my breath I said you're beautiful
I gaze at the groom and thinks that he is so fortunate
To get to marry
The perfect woman

I quickly wiped off my tears and said that I'm so happy for you
For I love you too much that I just want the best for you

(chorus)
So I choose to stand by your side always
Be the friend you can turn to
Or go bitching
When you have a bad day
And I promise I will always be there
Everytime you need a friend
Or a buddy
To just hang out and chill

Thus I stood by your side all these long years
Being one of your true friends
Supporting you
Till the end of your days
On that day I stand in front of your grave
With tears flowing down my cheeks
and I whisper
I have always loved you.


****************************

为你写诗为你静止
为你做不可能的事
为你我学会弹琴写词
为你失去理智
为你写诗为你静止
为你做不可能的事
为你弹奏所有情歌的句子
我忘了说
最美的是你的名字

Seems like I prefer blogspot over tumblr.
Both has their pros and cons. Blogspot offers more flexibility over my postings. Though tumblr can do much more.

I seldom blog about my own life. Simply because I'm afraid I might write something I shouldn't. And I am pretty lazy to write each and every single thing I would want to remember.
So how?

Anyway I am still continuing to blog in blogspot. Tumblr shall probably be updated once in a while.

My life is in a pretty huge mess right now. Wanted to talk to Eileen about it. But then its not the time. She's got things she's handling on her own. Don't want to give her additional burden from me... Just want her to be happy. Everyday.



If wakie is feeling pretty lost with his future, I have no idea how to describe mine. A looming darkness where no light can be seen. Some say its not that serious. But to me, how I view it currently, that's the exact sight I'm having inside me right now.

I don't have much time left. That's why I really treasured the times I went out with the guys. Treasured the times with Eileen, the one and only close female friend I have.

Also having a lot buried deep inside me. Will I reveal them one day? Will such a day arrive? Such that when I reveal the hidden secrets within, that I will not lose all the things I hold dear and treasure terribly?



Life is a biatch. I'm sure many agrees with me.

For Somone I wish to talk to right now but I cannot

I have no idea when you will read this. Because I know that you don't really come to my blog that often.

I know I have said many things that sounded like bullshit or rubbish to you. Frankly speaking, there's no way I can prove or convince you that whatever I said is true and very real. However, I really wish you can at least take note on some of the things I had/have/will be mentioning to you about.

I am also aware that I'm definitely the very last person on earth that you will turn to when you need someone to talk to. I make you uncomfortable. I always say the wrong things at the wrong time. I always do and say things that irritate you. I always..................


I know you're not going to tell or share anything, except probably to a selected few.
But I just want to let you know. I'll always be around for a listening ear whenever you need.



Do you know something?

Everything you feel sad, depressed, I will feel very helpless, I cannot do anything for you.

Firstly, because you keep everything bottled inside. For years I have done the exact same thing. That's why I know how excruciating it feels inside. I wish there's some sort of outlet for you, so that you will not suppress all the emotions and thoughts all inside.
Secondly, for a girl like you, you seriously deserve much much better treatment from life. A lot of girls I know who's not as pretty and cute(definitions of pretty and cute from your tumblr blog entry) as you also never receive so much shit in their life. Life is unfair, but its too unfair in this case.
Thirdly, having learnt so much over the past 10 years in the Taoism and Buddhism world, there's really a lot of things that can help you. That can improve your life. Improve your family. Lessen the burdens in your life. It will be a very gradual change, but the improvements will be there, like a grass growing, you cannot see visible growth, but there's always a growth. But I cannot help you. Not directly. Even though offering addition prayers for you occasionally(as and when I remember and is able to) has given you a bit of respite from all the shit in your life. But those are still not enough to eradicate some of the things that are not supposed to be in your life. One of the things that makes me feel most helpless on.


Last but not least, You are one of the most important people in my life.


I know you are strong. I know you are capable of taking care of yourself. I am aware that it is your life and that you are in control of your life. I know. All these, I do know.

I just want to let you know, that, you're not alone. You're never alone. You have your family. You have your friends. You definitely have people around you that will always stand by you and supporting you.


I am not good with my words. And I don't know what else I can say to you. You'd have probably heard too much of "take care", "dun be sad" or "cheer up" or "stay cool" blah blah.


Anyway by now, looking from all the twits, you seem to sound better. And I think you've already logged off from the net.

Still,

I hope you'll really be ok. That you'll always be alright. You'll always be happy.

That's what I really wish for.

纯粹只是一场梦而已...一场100年的长长的梦

人生如梦，人生如戏。
简简单单的8个字。却有着深深的含义。

大家都听过吧。战国时期，庄子的一则非常著名的故事。。。
庄子当时喜欢白天睡觉，经常梦见自己变成蝴蝶，在园林花草之中飞舞，醒来时，就感觉自己的两只胳膊好象翅膀一样可以飞动。当时庄子就感叹了。到底是蝴蝶梦庄子，还是庄子梦蝴蝶？谁真？谁假？

其实人生真的是一场梦吧。我们正在做梦，做着一个非常长、非常长的一个梦。我们的灵魂深藏在我们的肉体里，长眠在内，做着一个百年大梦。直到我们死的那一天，我们就会从这个梦醒来。也许吧。。

---------------------------------------

When I do have dreams, most of them are pretty realistic. I do feel pain. I do feel happiness. I feel all the sensation and emotions that as a normal human being in a perfectly awaken state of mind would experience. It doesn't matter how far fetch the dream is, or its just a simple dream of your everyday life. Very few people will realise that they are in a dream. I had a lot of dreams which I wished wasn't merely dreams when I woke up from them. Lots of dreams, such as with xxxxx, or with xxxxxx.

---------------------------------------

 I do not know how or where to continue all of a sudden. There's too much going on inside my mind, so many questions yet far too few answers. Seeking for the answers are not the hard part. Its the hardest to recognise the answers and questions itself.

---------------------------------------

I'm quite depressed. Am I trying too hard or just not trying enough. Seriously, what the heck.

I can't talk to people. I can't talk to people properly.

I can't talk to those people I'd really wish to talk properly, the way I wish how my conversation will flow with that person. I really wish I can.

---------------------------------------

好累好累。人怎么那么喜欢搞那么多的心机呢？我也从什么时候变得会弄心机？

只不过我知道、我明白。。。

我所有的心机。

全部都是为了不让她知道。。。


绝对不能让她知道的。。。。。。。。。。。。


那些埋藏在心里的感情。