体内正邪交战。

我亦失控了几次。


魔心渐盛，而浩然正气慢慢地越渐淡薄。

唯有一法。。。

我将把自己所有的感情跟一切喜怒哀乐抹杀掉。

成为一个行尸走肉。



因为我不想做出伤害她的事。


成为那个认识她之前那样。。。。一个封闭自己、毫无感情的行尸走肉。

这样，我，才不会做出任何伤害她的事。


不会做出伤害她的事。



绝对不会伤害她。

心中的魔性大发。


以往是因为对某个女孩子的情，就是以那份水不能息、风不能灭的火热感情。所以我一直能够把它封锁在灵魂的最深处。



可是现在。。。

*
*
*


如今我真的怕我压抑不住它。






‘我’会死吗？

Even though its Chinese New Year, I do not feel any festive cheer/feeling anymore since some years ago. Chinese New Year had lost its novelty and just feels like a longer holiday to me only.

This year, its worse.

The Pandoras' Box had opened since, and hope, as in the story, was the only thing that has never emerged from the Pandoras' Box, only all vices of men.

I began hating again. Hating a lot of things. Hating people. Hatred has come back to my life.

Darkness had seeped through the seal and engulfed about a quarter of my heart and soul.

I fought, but the tiredness, is getting the upper hand........


*****************

Had been dreaming of a particular person for the past few days. 5? 6? I cannot remember. All I do know, every night, she is in my dreams.

None of the dreams are of any solace to me, my soul, my emotions.

All the dreams are of mockery, mocking me that even in my dreams, I'm forced to live through my greatest fear and misery.

In the past, my dreams occasionally did give me a nice dream abt the girl I liked then. But my dreams now, reflects all the fears and hatred I face in real life. I had never feared sleeping, because I could have the chance to be with someone I liked, even if its just a dream, the feeling was still so real, and I was so happy in those dreams. That is why throughout all the years of which I've had depression, I never had the symptoms of insomnia. In fact, I slept more than I should. Because, its the only place I can seek my happiness in.

But now...........................

连梦里，我也将会失去自我，我会失去她，接着，我也一定会失去自己，成为魔的食物.........

*****************

其实魔，并不是很可怕的。魔呢，其实分很多种的魔。有天魔，五蕴魔，心魔，幻魔等等。很多很多的魔。

我呢？当年的我，入魔的情况，我把它称为情魔。

为情所绑，为情所困，为情而苦，为情牺牲，被情出卖，被情折磨。。。
最后入魔。



其实，世上有多少人能够知道？有多少人能够明白？

一个入魔的人，其实是个非常可怜的人。


想想看。有人会自愿入魔吗？为什么会有人陷入魔的世界呢？

如果不是因为失去了依靠，失去了生活意义，失去了对他重要的。。。

不管是什么原因，能够把人逼到成魔的， 那个人，真的是很可怜的人。


因为我经历过，所以能体会。魔，真的是很可怜。

无奈。。。

*****************

A couple of weeks before the Pandoras' Box was opened, I saw Kangming put the following line as his facebook status.

"好人好报的时代过去了"

The comment I gave?

"的确是啊! 的确是。我看好人都会早死的。。。你们别为我难过啊" 

And this is his reply...

"好人好报的时代虽然过去了；物，也未必因稀而贵。它的存与活可能靠的就是信念，加上丝许的浪漫天真吧。"



I do not consider myself a saint. But I do know that I am a good person. Its not that I'm not modest. Its not that I'm being thickskin. I do know myself that I will not harm anyone, and that I will try to help whoever I can whenever he/she needs the help.

Why am I the good person I am till now?
I really do not know.

I used to think that being good has its rewards. Not that the rewards are important. I feel that its important that we do not harm anyone at all. Why should we? What will we gain from harming others? My conscience will prick me. I do not understand those people, how they can 把自己的快乐建立在别人的痛苦上. Don't they feel guilt? What if it happened to them? Will they still feel as happy if it happened to them instead? So why did they do it?

信念。做好人真的需要坚定不移的信念。这是不可否认的。

丝许的浪漫天真？也对。如果不天真，根本很难做个好人。如果不浪漫，你也不会觉得好人是很难得的。

So imagine the irony, that in my previous post, I mentioned that 好人有好报这句话，在我身上是最大的谎言。

可能Kangming说的对吧，好人好报的时代真的过去了。

 *****************


So. I think I will not be sleeping before 4 or 5am again tonight.

Because I'm afraid.


Afraid of seeing someone in my dreams.

Afraid of what I may see in my dreams.

Damn the COH map. I'm not going to play that map with them again at late nights. Freaking 2 1/2 hrs just to clear it. No more.


Wanted to blog about some things, but I'll wait till tomorrow.

*****************

越来越想你。我知道我不应该的。我知道我没机会的。我知道我。。。

说真的，如果真的爱上了一个人。你就是爱着那个人了。
即使怎么勉强，怎么改变，怎么自我催眠，爱最终还是剩下爱。


自从那天起，我已经没有在听歌了。因为歌，是会触动到我内心的。一定会的。所以我以前在伤心时很少听歌。为了就是不想让情绪失控。

不过，情绪虽然受到控制，但心中的感觉是不会变的。

*****************

Pangs of regrets are coming back. They always come back. Regrets about Sijie. Regrets about Huiling. Regrets about Penny. Regrets about ...... .


11 years ago, I lost control of myself and turned to the darkness. I filled my soul with darkness and let it hold reins over me. But I realised I was going to cause harm to her. So I tore the darkness away and sealed it deep within myself. Which is probably the reason why I seem to be mis-balanced as a person. 90% goodness and 10% darkness. Sometimes more darkness leaked through the seal. But I've always managed to keep the seal there and intact.




The Pandoras' Box has opened. One of my fears in my current life. Came true.

And the seal is waning. I'm afraid, I may not be able to hold the seal intact. Should I ever turn back into darkness, I shall not let myself cause any harm or hurt to you. Because I will definitely regret it for eternity.

*****************


I have no idea what I was trying to put across. Because its all so abstract. Yet,  there's no other way I can put it. I hope I can keep everything under control.

Hatred, Darkness, Loath, Despair.....................

The very ingredients that tear your soul apart and make you do things that you will regret for life.

因为曾经试过，所以才知道它们的可怕。


Those who knew me in primary school and secondary school would probably never have expected it. 我竟然曾经因为情而进入魔道。

The upright, honorable, righteous and goody two shoes Jupiter Seow YuanSheng. Had once turned to the Dark because of Love.


Life is just so ironic.

And spastic.


And likes to play cruel jokes on you.


Especially likes to make you relive history which you have always feared the most.

*****************


Right, I have no idea why I typed all these and so much stuff tonight. Wanted to just put in a couple of words and then go lie on my bed and waited until my insomnia wears out at 5am so I can sleep.

The things I wanted to blog about, I'll blog them tomorrow bah.


I can't stop myself thinking of you


----------------------

深夜万物皆沉静，寂寂无声触真情。思念一生无穷尽，愿你有个幸福命。 

 -- 《静夜思》by 木星


********************

其实，那时候我写出我这一生第六个最大的遗憾时，就不知觉地让我想起了我第五个最大的遗憾。




我，不是那个让她心动的人。


********************


如果还有下一世，我一定还会爱上同一个人的。


因为我前世欠她太多了。。。。。。


********************

一切都结束了。


其实也不是结束。因为根本没有开始。


真确的说法应该是。。。。一切都无所谓了。


<孟子> - 天将降大任于斯人也，必先苦其心志，劳其筋骨，饿其体肤，空乏其身，行拂乱其所为，所以动心忍性，增益其所不能。

老天爷，你这几个星期给我的考验， 你是不是想我死啊？如果我这一死的话我来到这世上的任务都没做就回老家了。也许连天上都去不了，更别说是摩诃双莲池了。


天上界。希望大家都能回去吧。毕竟从很久很久以前是在天上认识的。 所以我今生才会有你，你，你，她，她，他，还有一些朋友的因果牵缠的关系。

转入正题。今天。有些改变。

好了。就说到这里。

我也该走了。星星在等这我呢。

They always say you will feel better after crying it out.


刚刚在佛菩萨面前哭了一阵。其实也不算哭吧。毕竟没有眼泪，怎么算是哭呢？
泪水往心里流罢了。这不是哭吧。


That's why I never feel better.
Because I swallowed everything back in.

心里流泪。心中流血。哪个比较痛呢？

---------------------------


4.20am. 我又失眠了。也好。这样我可能会早死。我的内力已经所剩无几，已经没得补回元气。生命力开始减弱了。

---------------------------

从来没有对任何人说过，其实我想过写一部小说。一部现代背景的武侠小说。主角是一个百年难见的一个不世奇才。 年纪轻轻就成了天下武林神话之一的人物。哈哈。很好笑吧。其实这小说已经在我的心里酝酿了10年了。只是没有把它写出来。因为它只是一个让我能够在里面成为梦想成真的世界。

主角10岁习武，1年内练成了能纵横武林的一套武功。行侠仗义，救了不少人，帮了不少事。成为武林中正义的代表。也成了武林中的神话。可是15岁那年，神话因为爱情而隐退武林，从此在武林中消声匿迹。不过因为找到了真正爱着的女孩子而暗中保护着她。最后为了她重出武林，锋芒再露。

你知道吗？这个主角神话啊，他最厉害的地方是什么吗？不是他所练成了无上的内功心法，也不是他身负十几种一一能够纵横天下的武功。而是他是个至情至性的人。所有的武功都是他内心有感而发的。爱情相传是天下间最伟大最强的力量。他，就是从爱情中得到无敌的力量。

可惜，因为他为了能和心爱的人过普通人的生活，他隐退武林，隐瞒了他在武林中至高无上的地位，成了一个普通的人。可惜，10年的普通生活，他看到他所爱的人一一地爱上其他男生。心里所受的创伤越来越多。武功也出现了越大的缺陷。人，也越来越消沉，绝望。尽管他在心爱的人面前总是那样坚强，但是他的内心世界已经是一座废墟了。

所以，你觉得，我应该不应该让这个主角死去？伤心欲绝，走火入魔而死。 这部小说也就在这里结束。


我，应该不应该让这位盖世英雄死去？

---------------------------

Tonight I remembered about Huiling. How I advised her to go ahead with her feelings and try to give her classmate a chance. Even though I really liked her then. 大笨蛋一个？还是烂好人一个？Ended up she got together with him, 1 month before I reveal my feelings to Huiling. I became a walking zombie for several months. In fact, that very day she told me, I seem to turn into a body with no soul inside. If L4D was created that time, I would most probably be shot dead the moment I parted with Huiling. Boon can vouch for it. I was really a walking zombie that day.

2 years ago, the same thing happened again. Not to the same girl, but Penny. Yes, I'm not so close to Penny as to suddenly discuss personal stuff with her, but when she mentioned she was interested in this classmate. My inner world crumbled like a cookie. As again, being the Mr Nice guy I am, I never really bad mouth that guy, cause I only met him for a night, and frankly speaking, I do not dislike/hate anyone at all to badmouth them.

Then......................



能令一个人伤得最深，伤的最痛，伤得最苦，往往是他爱得最深，爱得最切的人。。。




Nothing wrong with being honorable? But Penny didn't know I liked her then. So, I guess its my own grave I dug. As for Huiling. Well, 好人有好报这句话，在我身上是最明显的一句谎言。And then........and then.......

真情。是我这一生中最大的弱点。

对人付出的真情，最后换来的就是一句傻瓜。

---------------------------


“我很普通，我没什么特别。我只是一个呆呆的傻瓜。我不会说甜言蜜语。我不太会弄你笑。我其实知道，我不能给你保证你要的。不能保证给你很舒服的生活。不能保证给你一个让人羡慕的人生。可是，我绝对可以向你保证的是：我，绝对是你生命中让你受伤最少的人。我，绝对不会做出伤害你的事。因为我，是个绝对不要看到你伤心难过的人。”

"I cannot promise you many things. But one thing I can promise you, always, that I will definitely be the one person in your life who will hurt you the least. That I will never ever do anything to hurt you. Because I never ever want to see you unhappy and sad." *Crosses my heart*


这句话，是我埋藏在心里了一段时间的一个不能说的秘密。

I cannot open the Pandora's Box.

---------------------------

 Time is 5.15am. Insomnia. Yup. Again. But this time, I know.

睡不着，也许是因为想念你

目送你离开

有无限感慨

对你的思念

永远不会更改

花若不再开

夜将会无奈

若是没有你的爱

我会日夜期待

*********************

A quiet night. Perfect for lonely souls. For thoughts. Lots of thoughts.

当思念成了一种习惯。。。。

Since a long long time ago, it has become habitual for me. To be thinking of someone every night. Since as long as I can remember. Sijie, Huiling, .......... , Karen, Penny.. ...... .. Tonight is also no exception.

Do you know I'm missing you tonight???

--------------------------

I used to create little bits of literal works for the girl I like. Short poems, in English and Chinese. But I realised that I have stopped doing that for the past 3 years. Because its not appreciated. Is it? No, I guess not. Even if its not, I would still continue writing them. I guess its because my heart has slowly deaden, till the point that I cannot create any works from the heart. No more heartfelt words, no more heartfelt lines. All because the heart has gone numbed in the freezing cold of the winter gale.

That's why a couple of months back. I was surprised that I could just create my own lyrics using the song melody of Fish Leong's 情歌. I have never learn to create melodies, which really needs talents and training, but lyrics wise, I have enough confidence that I'm able to write them into a song, albeit with mistakes(as pointed out by Eileen). It didn't take long for me. Basically because the first stanza is actually written based on a dream I had that previous night, no. A nightmare to be precise, seeing someone getting married to another.

So once the first stanza came out, the rest is easy. All I did was to re-enact what will happen after that dream in my mind, and it all comes out. Composed the whole lyrics in less than half an hour, spare another 20 minutes for refining the sentence structure and choosing of certain words.

Don't ask me why I had chosen Fish Leong's 情歌 melody as a base for my new lyrics. This secret is one of the many I will bring into my grave.

--------------------------

Life is fragile.  Everything is so transient. I am not sounding pessimistic here. Just stating a fact. The only constant in the whole universe is changes. Our thoughts change every split second. Our feelings change. Our emotions change. Our cells change. Nothing, stays unchanged forever.

Live for the moment. The past has past. The future is not even here. We should only live at each current moment. That's is why it is called the 'Present'.

Yet, I'm still being tied by the past. Restricted by the future. Even the present, I do not find much strength to live in. Strength and energy has been sapped by everything around me. Even as I type, the very few pillars holding me up are trembling and crackling under the strain..........

Have you ever thought about what your pillars of support are??

Mine?? Parents, Love, Friends, Religion. That's it. 4 pillars holding me up right now.

Parents, don't need to say. This pillar will always be standing while my parents are still alive.
Friends. Has been eroded quite badly by acid rain. But its still up and strong. I still have my close friends, and some friends whom I know are truly worth knowing and trusting.
Religion. This shall be the only 1 true pillar that can support me when all else has collapse. At least I can be very certain that, (to put it in a very blunt and not-very-respectful way), at least statues of wood, clay and bronze will never have any intention to harm and hurt and betray me.
Love. Sigh. The pillar, which I have used up countless tonnes of cement, countless time and energy rebuilding, reconstructing and patching so that it will not collapse completely.

What about you? What are your pillars holding you up in your life??

--------------------------

Tonight, I'm thinking of you more than usual.

Not a good sign.

And as expected, yes, I'm having insomnia again tonight. Lol. Look at the time, its 5 mins to 3am.

当你孤单你会想起谁?
*我知道你不会想我，可是我想的人一定是你*
Sigh.

*********************

想你的心  想你的人 

想你在早晨 想你在黄昏

我无时无刻 无心无魂地想你

我愿意忍 我是认真

对你的爱一天天地加深

哪怕结果会残害我一生

火热的心 水不熄风吹不冷

只希望能 和你共度一生

本来想早一点睡的。可是还是睡不着。

--------------------------

这几天想了一些事。我发现我真的坚强了很多。真的很多。可能是这几个星期发生的事让我无意间变得坚强起来了吧。

Shall I be happy or shall I be sad about that??

我不知道。心情很复杂。真的。还是play it cool吧!至少我已经在play cool了。换成以前，我现在已经抓狂了。。。。。

--------------------------


唉，Eileen又不开心了。我还真是没用。不，应该说是无药可救。不应该问东问西有的没的，其实应该安慰她的。毕竟女孩子遇到这种事一定心里非常难过的。我竟然又做错了。。。


真的是苯猪一只。难怪至今没有女朋友。

希望她今晚能好好的睡觉吧。也希望不会那么严重吧! 可惜，这种事情我完全没有办法暗中帮忙的。毕竟我所知道的所有法术都没有弄这个的。

Sigh.


--------------------------

真的很好笑。昨天幸子姐姐带我去"问事"。在我家附近而已。我毕竟没有很多事情想问，因为我对人生中所求的东西不多。我是一个“清心寡欲”的仙人。哈哈哈! 开玩笑。不过世俗的事我的确不会追求得太多。所以就问了姻缘。其实也不是时候问的，因为我现阶段的生活是一团糟，怎么可能会有女孩子肯跟我在一起呢？

哪知道，他开口的第一句话竟然是 ：“你结婚了没有？”

Of course not! If not I ask you for my 姻缘 for what?!

他说我的姻缘其实已经在身边了。有没有搞错？！ 我的姻缘已经到了？！？！？ 安慰我还是寻我开心啊？！

“不会吧？我一点都不知道。”
 “嗯，有了。而且还是从7月(去年)就有了。”

呆若木鸡。难以致信。甚至是晴天霹雳。

“我真的没有注意到啊!”
“有的啦! 这几天就会知道了。”

呆若木鸡。难以致信。又来了一次的晴天霹雳。

。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。

其实这是在后面的。前面他马上就说我的命其实很顺，还问我到底在烦什么。
6月跟9月会犯小人。不要轻易相信人，不要随便做担保人。会有官非之难。
然后他又看了看，又说第二次，“你的命很不错的，你还在乱什么？”

无语。
所以之后我才决定问姻缘的。哪里知道竟然会出现这么一段插曲。


月老!红娘!你们在玩我吗？！我以前在天上的时候该不会是得罪过你们吧？！？！？！

/FACEPALM /WRIST ONE MILLION TIMES

--------------------------

Sigh. Still cannot sleep. Despite being exhausted.

I guess Eileen's gone to bed already. Hope she's not overly upset. =(
有点难过。

************************

For Eileen...............................

宁静的夏天
天空中繁星点点
心里头有些思念
思念着你的脸

我可以假装看不见
也可以偷偷的想念
直到让我摸到你那温暖的脸

知了也睡了
安心的睡了
在我心里面宁静的夏天

那是个宁静的夏天
你来到宁夏的那一天

知了也睡了
安心的睡了
在我心里面宁静的夏天~~~~~~~~~~