深夜里的促膝闲谈......

夜深了 夜深了
你在床边为谁等待
夜深了 夜深了
我的秘密被谁打开
夜深了 夜深了
你的美丽为谁等待
夜深了 夜深了
我的秘密被谁打开

***************************************

还记得2个月前Eileen跟我说过, "Your life suddenly feels more meaningful when there's someone liking you right?"

前提是如果那个人真的对你有意思。如果没有呢？
如果没有，那么活着的意义就少了？对我而言。。。

掏出心里话，其实只要我有喜欢的人，关怀的人，深爱的人，对她超出爱的范围的那个人， 只要生命里有这些人，我想活着就已经很有意义了。

可是......可是...........................可是，人，总是走不出占有的这种欲望。因为我还没有修到无我。我，还是蛮执着的。

-------------------------------------

生日那天，其实有好几位祝我生日快乐。虽然是个蛮不错的惊喜，但是我却没有怎么感到非常的开心。不过还是感恩，感激他们记得我的生日。

-------------------------------------

不想再找人聊了。但是还是跟一位近期认识的‘豆腐’朋友聊了几句。不敢说太多，因为怕失控。聊着聊着，突然想要再次从大家的生命中消失。有可能会这样吧。

我又太过感情化了吧。仍然是个大傻瓜。

关心别人，他/她未必会接受，反而觉得你很烦。
不关心吗？反而弄到自己难受，心急如焚。

-------------------------------------

身心交瘁。。。。。。。

点亮着自己的那道烛光，正在渐渐变暗..........................................................................


*********************************

燃烧小小的身影在夜晚
为夜路的旅人照亮方向
短暂的生命努力的发光
让黑暗的世界充满希望

萤火虫萤火虫慢慢飞
我的心我的心还在追
城市的灯光明灭闪耀
还有谁会记得你燃烧光亮

26th October 2009

Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday to me


Looks retarded when u type out a birthday song for yourself. Oh well.

The bottom of the pit hole is actually ... quicksand.

So you think you've fallen into a pit hole. And you think that's the lowest point you can get.


But no.



You just realised that the bottom of the pit hole is actually quick sand. You're slowly but surely sinking down into quicksand.

Your ankles...


Then your knees... ...

The hip gets engulfed...

And there goes that waistline you detest so much

Soon your chest gets swallowed up...

And your chin feels ticklish it slowly disappears in the sand.........

Your mouth spits and spatters, but gives up and lets in the sand which soon fills up the void...

The cute button nose waves goodbye, not before sucking in several grains of sand in and making you sneeze yourself to death...

Soon the eyes saw darkness and the eyelids becomes cemented shut by the weight of the sand..

The hair should have been spared, for being the lightest body part. Alas, it too, has to disappear, as though the growth of a plant is played in reverse.

********************************************

Feeling even worse than yesterday.

The penknife on the table is beckoning... and it looks so tempting... ... ... ...

Or the calls of that cigarette pack i picked up several months ago........ ..... ....

Possibly the worst day for the 2nd half of 2009

Lousy communication skills
Lousy social skills
Lousy interpersonal skills
Lousy reading signals skills
Lousy body language skills
Lousy consoling skills
Lousy...

Everything about me is lousy.


Feel like a useless piece of shit lying in a pile of manure in one big shithole.

Seems like I just suddenly lost my own meaning of living. Despite saying all those big words in the previous posts.

Why am I borned? If there's nothing I can do... ??




At least its not my birthday today. Sigh. It would really sucked to discover all about yourself on your birthday.

And might end up being deathday.


Nah, just joking. I promised my close friends I wouldn't kill myself. I promised Eileen I wouldn't do anything foolish and that I would be alright(even though she probably dun even remember). I promised myself that I would live on to continue to care on and protect those I care and treasure. And truly love.

6 more days, yet another lonely birthday this year.
Last year went to eat supper with Eileen, CY, Xiao Sun, Maurice and Aiax(can't remember, or was it Joe??). Just so happened it falls on my birthday, at least when the clock strikes 12 that is. Really a nice feeling, to have people with you on your birthday. Karen smsed me happy birthday. That's all.

This year, probably just the same ritual as per normal. No celebration, no one bothers, no one cares.


Just don't let me do more self-discovery about how useless and lousy I am.

人生是苦乐参半？其实应该是苦多乐少吧..............

我脑海中正思潮起伏，念念如浪浪波涛般地冲击着我的心岸。

有点恐慌。
有点惊疑。
有点迷茫。

------------------------------------------------

Was talking to Eileen earlier on. I wonder why I asked her those. I wonder why I told her about the lumps. I wonder why I talked to her about.. ... .... ...
Instead of just chatting a normal conversation with her.

Ended up I don't want to continue with the conversation any longer. I just said a hurried goodbye and, well, left msn. So to speak.


So secrets will end up being secrets after all. I guess some of my secrets will really follow me to my grave. Regrets probably will follow with the secrets.



I really want to make everyone I care for happy. I really really do. In all the self sacrificing of my time, money, energy, life. I will do almost anything, that doesn't violates my principals.



But I failed. Again. Why?

---------------------------------------------------------


应该了解世间种种的苦空无我，诸法无常，诸法无我，涅盘寂静。

但是我还是执着。



因为，对我而言。。。

关心，关怀，保护及照顾我生命中重要的人，正是我活着的意义之一。


你知道吗？

没有了你，没有了梦

昨天晚上。。。不对，正确来讲是今天早上。又梦到了她。
昨晚睡得很不好。介于半梦半醒之间。直到早上6点才能真正入眠。没想到竟然有梦到了她。

这个星期来，已经是第4次了。

难道她，又有什么让她非常心烦的事吗？

怎么办？

-----------------------------------

last night went to parkway again. Play pool. After which walked her home, or rather the block before she reach her block. LOL.

---------------------------------------


好累。
忽然间很想就这样睡去一个月的世间。

一直睡。。一直睡。


不过我会舍不得。一定会舍不得。


如此多的情感。如此多的关怀。如此多的想念。

做一个感情丰富的人的确是蛮累的。

----------------------------------

Going to Bangkok with the edmw guys next march. Looking forward to it. =)


**************************

梦里的爱情就是不能永恒
醒来后就像一撑完的电影意犹未尽
梦里的爱情浪漫而离奇
我想夜晚早点来临
继续连接梦中的温馨

阳光总在风雨后
乌云上有睛空
珍惜所有的感动
每一份希望在你手中

阳光总在风雨后
请相信有彩虹
风风雨雨都接受
我一直会在你的左右

*************************************************

ok, so after almost 2 months of inactivity. I think everyone believes my blog is now dead. haha.


I HAD forgotten the reasons why I wanted to shut myself away from people. Recently reminded of the reasons because I met with almost the same situations again with some people. But what the heck, the pros far outweight the cons.

I met really nice people who can be really great friends. And I now find myself having this very important friend to me, it'll kill me to lose her.

--------------------------------------

越接近真理，也就能越了解人性
一旦太过了解人性，就会觉得人其实是非常可悲的一种生命

本来具有的真心，全都被世间所有的假象蒙蔽了....

I told Eileen this verse I came out with. Contextually, when I first came out with this verse, it just sprouted off from me. I originally intended to convey the "un-mundane" meaning, but looking at it from another view, actually it very much applies to the mundane world after all.

Her reply? "its.. the ugly truth abt life and humanity"

How appropriate. And ironic. Just after we all watched The Ugly Truth last saturday night....

---------------------------------

不忍心看见我周围的人难过。不忍心看见我周围的人受伤。不忍心看见我周围的人被......

是慈悲吗? 是对大家的感情吗?

对了啊。我还是人。我还不是什么圣者，不是菩萨，不是佛。只是一个受过密教灌顶的未来佛。现在我还是一个有血有肉，有感情，有欲望，有善念，有恶念的一个人。

我还是做不到众生平等。我仍然有所喜，有所恶。

我是修行人。我也认定我此生其中主要的目的就是来修行的。我不后悔走上修行的路。我甚至已经能够明白，我是跟着师尊而来的。

可是我还是一个人。

想到<<明天以后>>这首歌的歌词，又触动了我内心的一部分。一个我绝对不会露出来的一部分。很无奈的，绝对不能露出来的。

我对你感觉胜过爱情 -- 原来如此。就是这样的。已经胜过爱情了。

爱情总让人折磨所以我们才选择做比情人更好的朋友 -- 原来如此。这样才能保证永永远远吧。不是以情人或夫妻，而是以朋友保持永远的感情。

这就是从小爱进化成的大爱吗？我不清楚，也不明白。因为除了师尊，除了佛，除了菩萨，除了圣者，很少很少人知道什么是真正的大爱。

突然间觉得好像变成要写稿交上真佛报的。也许这几天若是有什么灵感的话就试试投稿吧。

----------------------------------------

How to make people happy?

Eileen said something which struck me quite badly. So I am still unworthy to make people around me happy.
Sympathy is not enough. Empathy is not enough. Compassion is not enough. Sincerity is not enough. I still lack... lacking in......... .................. ..............................


I want to make everyone happy. Everyone. Because I can't bear to see......


********************************************

放手放开所有彼此更自由
放手其实我绝非爱得不够
放手豁出所有还有这个好友
已经已经足够

放手我的牵挂找不到尽头
放手期望你幸福甚么都有
也许爱很深厚然而我早看得透
放手至可拥有