Death

am i selfish?? eccentric till the extend that i'm crazy?? or am i just simply fooling ard in this world??



when u die..u'll be thinking of all the stuff that happened to u...

but i think when i die..i'll be thinking of all my regrets......



is it a blessing?? or is it a misfortune?? that i always only likes someone but the feelings are never reciprocated....

nonetheless...it will always be my regret that i will be gone from this world even without having to experience...how its like to have a gf.....
how its like to be dating a gal...
how it feels to be holding her hands..
how it feels to kiss ur gf
how it feels to hug her tightly in ur arms
and the feeling that my feelings are also reciprocated...that she also cares for u and is sharing her life with u just like how i care for her and shares my life with her....

but come to think of it..

when i noe i'm dying
or when i've got some incurable disease or sickness
or i just got into an accident, in a coma and may anytime just breath my last breathe......

lying on the hospital bed...

the very person i care for...my gf or wife...

will be silently weeping over me..grief-stricken over my condition.........


will i want to see that??

for one...
i dun wish her to be unhappy, to be filled with grief......to face one of the toughest fact one has to encounter in his/her lifetime....to face the death of someone in ur life, someone whom u love and care abt..

but on the other hand...
i really hope to have her on my deathbed/bedside...crying....
while i whisper to her how much i enjoy my life with her...how much every memories of us are forever etched into my mind.....how she made me feel that my very existance in this world is without naught...how much i would wish to live on and fulfill my promise to her that we will live together till the end of our days...that i will never ever regret meeting her this life...how much i would want to be with her for the next lifetime, and the next, and the next until the end of time...
while wiping off the tears from the corners of her eyes......thanking her for everything she brought to my life...


sounds like some soap opera or some dumb scene from a shitty mediacorp script...


but the fact remains...the threat of death in ur life is so very real

and no one will noe when death will arrive at their doorstep

some are lucky, they live to a ripe old age(or well past their prime age) and died peacefully, in their sleep
some, passed on with illness, disease or injuries...fighting pain and physical torture as well as mental battle with their conditions..
some just died within the flash of a second...due to accident, natural disasters etc.
and more ways of death..too much to be listed.....


i think the most pitiful will be those who gotten incurable disease or sickness...and that they'll be knowing of their incoming death in the near future...
the thought of losing ur life. the hopeless-ness. the wait for the day of death...the long awaiting wait...the process is dreadful...painful...

its tougher...to fight these alone......compared to those who's having ppl by their side fighting with them...


will i have someone by my side?? to fight with me? to give me the courage to face death? to stay with me until the very end?
but if i do have...will i be willing to let her noe? to make her spend her time with me by my bedside? to have her cry and grief over the person whom she cares whereas all her other frends are happily spending their lives with their other half?

i'm very confused. torn.

but maybe i dun have to think so much. becoz now, she dunno anything about me now. i've withdrawn myself and reduced contacts with a lot of ppl.
AND...i'm just a nobody to her.

A nobody, who will pass on from this world. a nobody who was just a shadow of a footprint in her life..a nobody, who likes her for who she is, who really wishes to share his life with her, who really wished to be the man of her life.

A nobody.

Me.