More Ghosts of Christmas Past....

Last Christmas I gave you my heart

But the very next day you gave it away

This year to save me from tears

I'll give it to someone special

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Since mother is still awake and watching tv, its not convenient for me to do my meditation, lest she starts nagging again at me not to be too superstitions or be a monk blah blah. Just write some random stuff here then.

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真是个打重脸皮充胖子的笨蛋。 算了。才$10块钱，不是$100，没关系的。顶多两天不吃东西不花钱就存下来了。也是自己的错吧，提前没有把所有的东东弄清楚。最后被人杀价，从$160杀到$150。至少学乖了，以后会注意所有的细节的。气的是还被他问东问西的，真是的。到底是不是男人啊，去google一下就能读到有关ipod touch的资料了喽。连bluetooth的问题都问。真是的，不会就不要用啦! 自己都已经在用bluetooth还要问我能不能跟ipod touch连接。有时真的是被这种人打败了。

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Come to think of it, its been a long time since I've gave out Christmas presents. The very first Christmas present I gave was to Sijie in 1997. Sec 3. I still can remember, that her dog, a golden cocker spaniel has passed away and she missed it terribly. Took me 2 days to go around shopping malls to find those small cute hush puppies miniture soft toys, 4 dogs in total and one of them is a cocker spaniel. Then the next problem was how to package the whole thing. It would be pretty ugly plus difficult to wrap them up. So I came out with a brilliant idea. Make a small dog house for the soft toys. Well, it is a brilliant idea, except that in my hands, it turns out to be a stupid idea. I've no knack for making stuff into masterpieces. Bought ice cream sticks from bookshop, UNO glue and glitter glue and varnish. Made my dog house with the ice cream sticks and UNO glue and finished the exterior with glitter glue and varnish. It looked quite alright, though my memories is already very fuzzy on the details. Next, I placed the dogs inside and cushioned the dogs with all the lucky stars I folded so the dogs wouldn't get bumped around in the package. Finally I did the most idiotic thing. I bought a postal package from post office, place the dog house in the package and mailed it to Sijie. Yeah, talk about making a present from the bottom of my heart and ended up sending it through snail mail instead of personally handing it over to her. So wtf right? Well, on the day she received the present, she was pretty touched, however she just rejected me that day. So, yeah. Failed. First Christmas present I gave. First Christmas having a girl rejecting me. First Christmas spent with a broken heart. With tears.

1998, I guess I didn't give any Christmas presents that year. Coz I was still not over Sijie, and Huiling, if I did give her one, I can't remember it. As it definitely wasn't hand made and wasn't specially sought after by me. Besides, we had all just finished our O levels and were celebrating and going out that I probably didn't give out much Christmas present.

1999, Never gave out any present too. Huiling was getting very close with her classmate that time. And I was desperate. I was virtually and practically kicking myself over and over and over again for giving her that piece of advice to go along with her heart and give him a chance. That december holidays after our JC promo exams are probably the worse december holidays I had ever gone through.

2000-2006. Nothing worth of note. The only Christmas presents I would ever give during these years would be the time I went for Christmas gathering for exchange of presents.

2007. Karen. Forgot what I gave her. I think i might have give Penny something too, or was it for her birthday?

2008. Penny and her siblings, and Karen. And Eileen. Yes, record breaking year. LOL. Spent about $160 in total, excluding presents bought for Christmas gathering exchanges. Half of that amount goes to Eileen's present and following that, half of the remaining half was Penny's. I had no problems buying for Eileen and Penny, as I already knew what I wanted to get them. It was Penny's siblings that gave me the most problem. Took 2 hours to find what I got them......... Actually, took me 2 days to get all the presents. 1st day, looked around places for Eileen's present and alternate present(a red color Guess bag which was of similiar design to the bag she was carrying last year). 2nd day. The most tiring day. Taka. Found the present for Eileen. Told the salesgirl I will be back.. Went to wallet shop. Took 1 hour to find 2 designs I think would be nice for Penny, took another half an hour to decide which one is better. No avail. Went to scout for presents for Penny's siblings. Took about 1 hour for that. Went back to wallet shop. Spend 45 mins walking around wallet shop looking at other wallets and stuff while thinking which of the 2 designs are nicer. Went back to purchase Penny's sibling's presents. Went back to wallet shop. Took another 20 mins to decide which color is nicer. Bought the wallet. Walked back to Lancome and bought Eileen's present. Phew. I even get tired typing all these.

2009. Record breaking year again. Fujifilm instax mini white special edition. As mentioned in previous post. I shall not repeat it again. Still, really happy she was so happy about the present. I did not handmake the present. It's merely something on her wishlist. Yet the sense of happiness I myself feel, when I see her excitement over the present that makes me feel, the way I had 12 years ago. When I started to search around for the dogs soft toys, when I was building(or rather, sticking) the dog house, its like I finally gave someone important to me a meaningful present for Christmas. Not because of protocol. Not because of customs. But because I can make Eileen really happy for Christmas. That's what that's meaningful and making everything worthwhile. Bought a token of appreciation for stitchie too, as well as mango. And her friend XY. A bit paiseh, because XY's present was very big, compared to mango's and stitchie's. Did not get anything for Penny and her siblings this year. Decided to give Penny some brand thing she likes for her birthday next year instead(even though its small, but its expensive). AND OMG! I JUST REMEMBERED. I FORGOT ABOUT TOUFU KORKOR'S XMAS-CUM-BDAY PRESENT! SHIT SHIT SHIT. Tomorrow goes shopping again.

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Mother went to sleep for quite a while, yet I'm still typing here. I'm supposed to start my meditation, otherwise it will get too late. But, somehow, there're still things I want to pen down, yet dun dare to pen down.

还是去修法禅定吧。今世也许不能跟你在一起，可是我保证，我答应。过了这一世，我绝对有能力永永远远的保护你，不会让你受到任何伤害。直到宇宙毁灭为止。

我对我的灵魂发誓。



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为了你而活　为了你而梦　
为了爱我会撑到最後
当世界都乌有　守着你的人是我
为了你而活　为了你而梦　
伤痕再深心无法划破
跟命运在逆流　就算错了　也不退後

Ghosts of Christmas Past........

你总是漠视我的感情 漠视我的心

你总是逃避我的眼睛 逃避我眼里的情

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Had been contemplating whether I would pen down what has been happening for the past 3 weeks. I know there are some things I would never want to forget, nor there are also some memories which I know will definitely fade away in time to come. Yet there's lots of things I do not wish to be known, only to have them kept shut tightly deep within my soul. I guess I shall just briefly pen them down, lest the memories failed to stay in my damaged brain cells.


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可是我却深深着迷 沉醉于你的一眼一举

无法平息 怎能不想你

不能自拔 我对你一片痴心

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Bought Eileen a Christmas present and gave it to her in advance. Whopping expensive present, the most expensive I ever given till this point of my life. Thought I had broken my record last year, but this year was unexpected. Never even gave Penny, or Sijie, or Huiling, or any of the girls I ever liked had received a present/gift that costs more than $50 (oh ok, Penny's does exceed $50, but that amount was inclusive of a card and a nicely wrapped red rose). Sounds crazy. hahaha. Oh well, at least she loves it. That's the most important. She's been deserving good things in life after all the things she's gone through, if money can buy happiness, then no matter how much it is, I will be gladly to exchange any amount of money for the happiness I can bring for a person. She really does deserve it, and hey, its just a few of weeks of starving less spending and no social life for me. What more can I ask for? People always say Happiness can never bought, but I bought it. I really did. For Eileen, that amount of money is nothing. Because I just gave someone important to me a very meaningful and priceless gift I can give. Happiness.


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我的心里 只容得下你

我的梦里 没有别的倩影

对你的情 没有谁能够代替

一心爱你 永不退色的深情

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Met more people and gone out with them more often that I had been last year. Mostly from hwz. You would be surprised, there's still very nice people you can meet in hwz. Am grateful, because I wouldn't think I will be so easily accepted by people around. But I guess nice-ness does pay off, at the very least people wouldn't mind to be around with me. Even though that means I will never ever find a gf or be with the person I really cannot live without (encrypted sentence). At least sometimes I do have friends I can talk with and go out with. And thought of me sometimes too. A dangerous, but warming feeling.

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你总是漠视我的感情 漠视我的心

你总是逃避我的眼睛 逃避我眼里的情

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These three weeks seems to be quite a very long time for me. Its so weird that our perception of time does get distorted despite having the same rate of change of the flow of time. But slow is not enough. There's so many times where I wish time could stop. I'm sure everyone else also experience the same thing as I do. Just wishing for time to stop, because that moment is the moment that you wish will never ever be gone, that moment shall be etched into the prints of time, that moment shall never perish, that moment will stay forever..................

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可是我却深深着迷 沉醉于你的一眼一举

别再否定 你已经有心

你的眼里 已流露对我的情

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Be I have to be realistic. I know I'm a hopeless romantic, but I've been hit far too much and too hard by reality to continue to dream. This is a harsh world, no extra room for romances and dreams. Its not like the movies, its not like the shows. It's not even like the love novels where everyone finds their perfect love and lives happily ever after. Reality does not work this way. Reality never works this way. Reality always works the opposite way you wish things will turn out to be.

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我的心里 只容得下你

我的梦里 没有别的倩影

对你的情 没有谁能够代替

一心爱你 永不退色的深情

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既然已经决定了，怎么我还是如此执着？我此生修行，除了成佛，除了渡众生。当年已经决定了，只要是我曾经喜欢过的女孩子，我一定会以我修行的力量去度他们生天、不让他们坠落到地狱、饿鬼、畜生道。我真的不忍心。现在，我为了她而决定此生修行成就。即使她的因果牵缠有多厉害、尽管她的业障有多么的深重、就算我需要把我所有修行功德交换让她以后能够上天而我代替她入地狱，我已经决定了。为什么呢???!!! 为什么!!!!!!!????? 我满腹的佛法! 我所学到的密法及法术如此不凡，现在却根本无法帮助她。如此的无力感、如此的无助!!! 如果对我重要的人都无法救的话，我还活着有什么用???? 虽然她的生活已经渐渐转好，却时好时坏(不过我亦明白此是因果关系，改变不了)，可是为什么我心中仍然隐隐约约感到不安???

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Just now had been listening to this song. It was sung by Chen Hai Wei, song titled 深情. One of the sub-theme songs for the TCS drama serial, where he acted as the famous teacher 方老师. really a nice song..

Guess I should sleep. Tomorrow is a long day. And I've some negotiations I need to do with the higher powers up there.So I end up never penning down everything. Just as well. Let them all be locked away deep within the soul.............................................

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没有星星的夜里

我用泪光吸引你

既然爱你不能言语

只能微笑哭泣

让我从此忘了你

Many things in the world are so elusive.

Try as we might, there's always certain things that will elude from us no matter how much effort we put in.

But we don't give up. Miracles will happen.


Just a matter of when.




So when will my miracle reach my life?